Why She’s Too Busy to Have Sex

J. Parker

When I’m talking to wives, I often address how important it is to make time and space in her schedule for sex. Now the goal isn’t clearing enough of the calendar to “meet his needs” but rather to prioritize and pursue all kinds of marital intimacy, including physical, that satisfy each spouse and strengthen the relationship.

But today, I want to talk about why such a thing even needs to be said to wives. Why is making time for lovemaking a challenge for her? Why is she too busy to have sex?

If a husband can understand the underlying issues, maybe he can help her find the right time, space, and focus for sexual intimacy.

Her Identity

A woman’s identity is often bound up in various roles—wife, mother, worker, church volunteer, etc. A wife may define herself by how well she does each and every one of those roles.

I’m not downplaying the tug on a man’s time with all of his roles, but in the last century or so, specific developments have created new tensions for women. For example, women have taken over more of a child’s schooling than historically true while also entering the outside workforce at higher percentages.

Thus, the vast majority of work-life balance articles, books, and self-help resources are aimed at women. And I’ve had numerous conversations with wives who lamented how our various roles pull us in different directions and the struggle to maintain performance, balance, or just sanity.

In my own case, I felt an enormous personal burden to be a good mom. And “good mom” was defined in perfectionist ways for me. (Oh, if I could go back and tell younger me a few things…) Simply asking me to cut back on the time I spent with and for my kids would have been asking me to change how I saw myself—my core identity.

By the way, you might be frustrated that lover is not among the roles your wife quickly identifies with. There’s a whole background to that too, but in short, the public role of wife has been more defined by creating and maintaining a home, supporting a husband’s employment, and being active in the community. Chris, I, and others engage in ministries that help women see the importance of being a lover in your marriage, but a lot of women simply did not hear those messages growing up and beyond.

Her Felt Responsibilities

Most women I know feel responsible for more than they can handle.

We have legitimate responsibilities, such as our jobs, households, and children. But oftentimes, how those responsibilities are defined and what they involve go beyond what you might see as necessary.

Let’s take the household. Most wives put more stock, time, and effort into how their houses are put together. They feel responsible to keep it clean (enough), take care of laundry and other household chores, and decorate in ways that make it feel homey. Wives tend to buy more things for the home, plan design and decor, and switch things out from time to time. They may set up spaces with guests in mind, wanting to have a hospitable environment.

Trying to talk me out of having a home that I feel comfortable inviting others into would not help. Talking about what we really need for a guest’s comfort and helping me put that together would.

Does she have to do all that? Well, some of them, she must do. But others are felt responsibilities—things that matter to her and so she feels the burden to do them.

Societal Pressure

Women are often judged—subtly or overtly—based on how well they perform their roles and responsibilities. They experience societal pressure based on their and/or their children’s appearance, the cleanliness and/or decor of their home, how much they volunteer with their kid’s school or team, if they’re engaged in community activities, clubs, or social events, etc.

Let me give an example. When my sons were in elementary, I had multiple friends and acquaintances encourage me to sign up to be “room mom.” The role of room mom varies from school to school and classroom to classroom, and benefits include knowing your child’s teacher and classmates, but it’s always a lot of time and effort. But I didn’t want to be a room mom; I don’t have those skills and I wanted that time for myself. When I told friends and acquaintances, I received some acceptance, some pushback, but also some disdain.

Yes, I know this pressure rarely comes from men, but rather from other women. But you might want to be aware that an invitation to get involved is often pressure to get involved. And what she chooses to do or not do can influence how she’s viewed in her community.

As an added issue, she may feel guilty saying no, because not doing it means someone else has to do it. Not wanting to burden others—who have their own societal pressure—she may take on more than she should.

Her Relationships

Other than one’s relationship with God, marriage should be the most important relationship. However, it’s not the only relationship, and sometimes the needs of other relationships are more time-sensitive.

No matter how much I love and prioritize my husband, if my infant is hungry and needs to eat, I’m tending to that first. That one feels like a gimme. But what about having lunch with friends? Listening to a coworker’s struggles? Attending a social event? Planning the family reunion?

Gender isn’t the only issue here, since personality, family background, and more play into how many friendships we each have and how important they are. But broadly speaking, women tend to have more connections than men. (See How Having Friends Is Good for Your Sex Life.)

Linguist Deborah Tannen has done some great research and analysis on how females are more geared toward relationships. So for most women, this is deeply embedded. What looks like nonessential social activity to a husband might be really meaningful to a wife.

Being forced or pressured to deny other relationships to focus solely on the marriage can cut her off from a part of herself and how God made her. Again, I’m not saying that marriage shouldn’t take precedence! Just that she may be spending more time socially than you would want, but it’s understandably important to her.

Helping Her Create More Time

I still haven’t mastered creating enough time for myself and my marriage. I have a tendency to take on too much, and my husband is in an ongoing battle to help me keep my calendar from getting too crowded.

But overall, demands on a wife’s time don’t work well. They feel like “one more thing” she has to do and can overwhelm her. Even if pressure effectively gets sex on her calendar, she’s unlikely to feel good about it. She might show up physically but not as much mentally or emotionally.

A few ideas that could help:

• Talking through your individual calendars and together asking what you can and cannot drop.
• Offering to help her with those felt responsibilities and following through.
• Assuring her that she’s a good ______ (worker, mom, etc.) so she feels less pressure to prove it through activities she doesn’t really want to do.
• Doing relationships with her; that is, getting involved with couple friends and family gatherings.
• Thanking her for all she does but letting her know you’d love her without all that anyway.
• Suggesting she take more time for personal refreshment and then helping her to arrange that.
• Encouraging your wife to let go of something she’s been doing before taking on something new.

That last one has been huge for me. When I propose something new I want to take on, Spock will often say, “Great! So what are you going to let go of to be able to do that?” Um, good point. If I can’t think of anything I’m willing to take off my plate, then I have to let that idea go. But if it’s important to me, I’ll ditch something else to make room for it.

Making Time Specifically for Sex

When discussing your calendars, you may want to ask something like: “How do our schedules align for us to have time together?”

Maybe your wife is fine with you specifically saying “time for sex.” But ideally, both spouses are making time for various kinds of intimacy. Husband and wife should make time for friendship, romance, affection, conversation, recreation, and yes, bedroom recreation.

When you help her make time for herself and for the marriage and help her pursue what’s reasonably important to her, you’re setting up better opportunities for sex. Having time to breathe, talk, touch, flirt, have foreplay, and even reach that orgasm can help a wife want more frequent and focused sex.