By Chris Taylor
Most of my ministry consists of working with wives who struggle with sex. They know that their husbands are unhappy about their sex lives.
These wives usually share with me something about their struggles: negative lessons they learned about sex or about men, baggage they brought into their marriages, sexual trauma from their past, and problems in their relationship with their husbands.
One of the most common grievances I hear from these women about their husbands is this:
“He only values me for sex.”
If your response to that is, “Man, I would LOVE to be valued for sex!” you are not alone. I’ve heard that from plenty of husbands, and I know what you mean.
I want to say two things about that, though:
- Your wife’s feelings aren’t the same as yours, and it isn’t fair to expect that they should be.
- You might not like it as much as you think you would—at least not once you understand what this statement means to her. (Sometimes husbands complain that their wives value them only as a money-making machine. Think about that, and you might come close to understanding what your wife means if she says she feels you value her only for sex.)
Why She Thinks You Value Her Only for Sex
Your wife has probably spent most of her life being filled with negative messages about sex and men.
- Men only want one thing.
- It’s her duty to give you sex.
- Sex is for men and not so much for women.
- A husband’s love for his wife is conditional. If he is getting laid, he loves her. If he isn’t, he will fall out of love with his wife and stray.
Then she got married, and she paid attention to what you did—and did not—do. Sadly, some of your own words and actions may have emphasized this big bad message that all you value her for is sex.
These are the kinds of actions that can communicate to your wife that you value her only for sex.
- Give her your full attention when you want to have sex, while watching TV or looking at your phone when you’re talking about anything else.
- Touch her only when you are trying to start something sexual.
- Give her only sexual affection (such as groping or a tongue kiss) and rarely non-sexual affection (such as a soft peck on the top of her head or caressing her cheek while you walk by).
- Respond to her with emotion only when she says no to sex.
- Tell her that her lack of willingness to have sex means she doesn’t love you. (A. She doesn’t understand what sexual rejection means to you. B. She isn’t the only one assuming negative messages.)
- Pout when she says no.
- Emotionally withdraw when she says no.
- Help your wife around the house for three days (when she asks for help so she can transition to sex) and then throw up your hands because “it doesn’t work.”
- Initiate sex by telling her that you’re horny or showing her your erection.
- Just as she’s relaxing and enjoying non-sexual affection, fondle your wife or make sexual comments.
Guys, I know you are not trying to send the message that you value your wife only for sex. You do these things because you view communication as a way to exchange information rather than build intimacy, these actions are what would help you get interested, you don’t know what to do instead, initiating feels risky, and her long-time pattern of “no” hurts.
But if you’re doing these things, she is receiving a message you really don’t want her to receive.
What She Thinks
Your wife is an Image-bearer, just as you are. God breathed His Spirit into her. Your wife knows you want to spend time with her body—and she also needs to know that you want to spend time with her heart and soul.
If your wife feels like you value her only for sex, it means several things to her:
- You are using her as a tool for her physical pleasure. In other words, she feels like little more than a human masturbation sleeve.
- You don’t value her for anything other than what she can do for you or your family.
- She doesn’t feel loved as her whole self.
I KNOW this isn’t true, guys. I’ve heard from you too, and your hurt in a sex-deficient marriage is emotional. Yes, you enjoy the physical pleasure, but you can take care of that on your own. You appreciate what your wife does for you and your family, but that isn’t what makes you love her. A big part of why you want to make love with your wife is because you want to feel connected with HER—with her whole self, with all of who she is.
A big part of why you want to make love with your wife is because you want to feel connected with HER—with her whole self, with all of who she is. Click To TweetBut if your wife tells you that you only value her for sex, it means that she isn’t getting the message from your heart.
Reshape the Message
To be fair, if your wife thinks you value her only for sex, she needs to shoulder some of the work on changing her view. You can’t change her thoughts for her.
However, you can be intentional about communicating the message that you love and treasure all of who she is. Over time, this message can begin to soften the negative message in a way that can alter her perception.
If your wife tells you she thinks you value her only for sex, try some or all of these things:
- Give her non-sexual physical affection frequently.
- If she seems to enjoy it, keep it non-sexual. *
- Make a point of expressing physical affection at times when she knows sex can’t happen, such as when you’re heading into church or when your kids jump on your bed in the morning.
- When you talk to her about your day, don’t just tell her who was involved and what happened. Tell her something you felt about the experience—excited, challenged, concerned, etc. (Do an internet search for “emotions wheel” for some ideas.)
- Tell her what you notice about her—not just the things she does, but the kind of person she is.
- Invite her to share her hopes, dreams, fears, etc. And be sure to have devices and screens off and out of sight while you listen.
- When she says no to sex, respond in a way that lets her know that although you are disappointed, you still love her and your love for her doesn’t waver.
- If she asks for your help with something to give her space and time to make a transition to sex, make it a habit in your life to give her this help. She needs time (months, not days) to learn to rely on this help.
* I want to add some explanation here, because I can hear you thinking, What? I can NEVER move from non-sexual to sexual touches? This is really about context. In the bedroom, it’s great to start with non-sexual touches and move to sexual ones. There it’s called good foreplay. If your wife struggles with sex and if she thinks you value her only for sex, then outside the bedroom, I would say never is a good idea, at least never for now. If she thinks you’re always going to try to turn touch into something sexual and if she doesn’t like that, she will avoid your touch altogether. She will think you can’t even give her a hug when she’s stressed without turning it into something, which will reinforce the negative message you are trying to counter. Your goal here is to help her feel wholly loved and seen. As your wife begins to believe you love all of her, you can drop the “never.”
We’d love to hear from you, guys. What are some things you do that help your wife feel loved as a whole person?
Image credit | canva.com
Listening to her intently without interrupting her, is big for my wife.
It’s big for a lot of wives.
What a great write-up. I hadn’t thought about how emotional intimacy is so related to physical/sexual intimacy and considered the way that my wife and I see it differently.
In a lot of ways, our culture can shape our opinions on sexuality, and honestly I had seen my drive as negative since childhood in a lot of the ways referenced in your article too.
Thanks for digging in to how to actually communicate what I mean to my wife. It may seem basic, but is a game changer to me!
I was hoping for something as in depth and how to be introspective and self improvement oriented as the “forgivenwife” blog.
But it’s a start.
The Forgiven Wife is a fabulous blog! But there, Chris is a woman speaking to women, with an eye toward self-improvement. Here, we don’t really feel it’s our role to tell men how to be good husbands as much as to explain their wives. I’d love to see more resources about good marital intimacy written by men for men. Thanks for reading! – J
Nobody would read it because nobody cares about a man’s POV
I don’t know why you think that, Alan. Look, I understand that if someone is suffering from sexlessness in their marriage, they feel unheard, and their church and other resources around may not be willing to listen to their concerns either. But the vast majority of marriage resources, including sex resources, have historically been written by men. Men have had a fair amount of say, honestly, though I actually think how things were expressed ended up undermining some husbands’ ultimate goals. Anyway, I just think it’s a more nuanced situation than your statement. Plenty of people care about a man’s point of view, but admittedly if your wife appears not to care, that’s heartbreaking. – J
I have to admit that I’ve done all these things and my wife and I have been struggling. At this point the physical touch is always non sexual, even in the bedroom. All she wants right now is hugs, hand holding and back rubs. I’m currently working from the list, and giving her time…
Praying for you! ~ J
This is a very biased point of view in my opinion. A women’s biggest concern is the emotional attachment she has with her partner. If she is not getting the emotional attachment she is seeking from her partner she will withhold anything to get her needs met, they will even go as far as seeking attention from other men and then blame their partner for not being there for them. They will resent their partners and do everything in their power to get what they want, but as a man if our physical needs are not being met we’re not respecting our wives’ boundaries and we need to fulfill their needs before ours can be met. No matter which way the picture is drawn it is a man’s fault. If our wife strays it’s because we didn’t have the emotional connection needed to satisfy her, if our physical needs are not met it’s also our fault because we don’t respect what she wants. When will we quit putting these women on a pedestal and make them own up to their own mistakes. Maybe there isn’t a emotional connection because we have to put everything on the line just to possibly have our needs met.
Your comment speaks of deep hurt and frustration with how women have treated men, or specifically how you’ve been treated by a woman. And yeah, sometimes it’s unfair to have to step up and do more for your spouse, but Chris and I generally take the attitude, no matter which spouse we’re speaking to: “You go first.” It’s what we each did in our own marriages that turned things around.
Also, some of your charges about blaming a husband when a wife conducts herself badly would sound very familiar to wives who feel blamed for a husband’s poor conduct. For example, many women absorbed the message that if they don’t put out anytime he wants it, their husband will cheat and it will be the wife’s fault. Pitting men against women and women against men won’t resolve our issues. Rather, we have to work to better understand one another. Frankly, I’d encourage you to figure out how to speak your hurt and frustration without laying the blame on women. Not only is that the better way to go, it’s also more effective in the long run.
And if you want to know what wives hear about sex when you’re not around: 4 Things Your Wife Hears about Sex (When You’re Not Around)
~J
I’m at a loss many times. I read the article because I occasionally get the response that my wife just thinks I want to have sex with her; like she’s a toy or something. I do want to have sex with her, but I want the affectionate loving sex that makes a connection between us. After a few days without it I feel disconnected and I get anxious, frustrated, depressed, and lonely and we usually end up in a fight. This has been going on for 15 years. I even feel like she doesn’t love me at these times, though I know in my heart she does love me, but the fact she doesn’t initiate sex with me confuses me. I’ve talked to her hundreds of times about it, but every week it seems like nothing will happen unless I say something, and then I may get the cold shoulder. Being rejected hundreds of times makes you feel rejected. After awhile you don’t want to even ask. When we do have sex I pleasure her first about 60-75% of the time, and she has great orgasms. I don’t know what to do anymore because I feel like I’ve tried everything. I’ll try some of these things and try to understand her more. It’s like all I ever do it seems.
It sounds like the block is about something besides you. Is she overwhelmed in other areas of her life, thus making sex feel like another to-do? Does she have a background of poor teaching or trauma that makes the idea of sex less appealing? Did she learn that sexual desire must precede lovemaking, or it’s less-than? (Not true with many women.) Maybe check out this post as well: How Can She Not Care About Sex?
And I’m sorry that this has been such a struggle. Praying for a change! ~ J