How Can She Not Care About Sex?

by J. Parker

I recently received an email from a frustrated husband that read:

[My wife] also has a low drive, very low! We have had the conversation and she flat out said “sex isn’t that important to me.”

He went on to explain how much he’d tried to make sex pleasurable for her, how much he longed to have her participation, how frustrated he felt at her lack of interest.

Every Kind of Drive

Now, I can’t say that I know exactly how this husband or other husbands out there feel. Our specific experiences and responses are unique to us.

However, in the course of my marriage, I’ve experienced every kind of drive:

• Equally matched
• Slightly less interested
• Not driven, but responsive and engaged
• Not up for it at all
• Slightly more interested
• Much more eager

Think of another place along the spectrum, and I bet I’ve been there. As a result, I’ve also been the one saying no, been the one said no to, and been the one successfully negotiating with hubby for mutually satisfying sexual intimacy.

Not Wanting Sex

Unfortunately, right now, due to health issues, I could say what this husband’s wife said: “Sex isn’t that important to me.”

Now I know it’s important, but what I feel is another thing. I just currently have little to no interest in having sex.

How can that be?! you ask. Especially when you, Christian sex writer, know how intimate and pleasurable and relationship-building sex in marriage is!

Well, I’m working on health fixes behind the scenes, and I expect to recover my sexual interest. But I might as well use this moment to attempt at an explanation for how it feels to not care about sex. By understanding one another’s experiences, spouses can often negotiate better to reach mutually satisfying physical intimacy.

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The Why of Not Wanting Sex

If I listed all of the specific reasons a wife might not want sex, that would be the rest of the post. Let’s cover categories instead.

A wife’s reasons for not wanting sex usually involve one or more in the following:

• Physical struggles (e.g., sexual discomfort or pain, fatigue)
• Past experiences (e.g., sexual trauma, bad messages about sex)
• Relational tension (e.g., marital conflict, her emotional needs unmet)
• View of self (e.g., poor body image, not feeling sensual)

Looking at those categories and what might be included in them, two takeaways emerge:

1. Most reasons a wife doesn’t have sex aren’t about her husband.

Her lack of interest in sex probably isn’t about you. It’s about her health problems, or exhaustion from caretaking the kids, or the challenge of overcoming trauma, or a poor body image, or what-have-you.

It’s not personal. But of course, it feels personal! Because sex—done right—is very personal, and you should be having it in your marriage. When you’re wanting sex but not having it, you feel personally rejected.

While your emotions in that circumstance are entirely legitimate, it can help to remind yourself that your wife’s lack of interest in sex doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you. She’s not necessarily rejecting you but a specific physical act that has a lot of baggage attached to it right now.

2. If her lack of interest is about the relationship, you can work on that.

Wives in particular often want to be secure in the relationship before they become vulnerable in the bedroom. Yes, it’s a vulnerable experience for both husband and wife, but the woman is literally penetrated during intercourse and, due to size/strength differences, could be physically overcome by the man. That puts her in a fragile state that requires deep trust in the man she’s with.

If your wife doesn’t feel secure in the marriage, she may be less interested or not at all interested in sex. However, that gives you an area to work on.

Working on your relationship may involve anything from daily conversation to date nights, to speaking her love language, to supporting her to-do list, to getting marriage counseling. By nurturing your relationship, you may be nurturing her sexual interest as well.

Weighing the Benefits

My current lack of desire has nothing to do with Spock. I’ve had ongoing health issues with an array of symptoms that would flatten a Navy Seal. I’m currently a “spoonie,” which means I have a limited amount of energy each day and I have to dole it out very carefully.

If I use my energy to have sex with my husband, that means crossing other activities off my list and even penciling in a nap or early bedtime to recover. When an opportunity for sex arises, I thus calculate in my mind whether I can afford to have sex, understanding how that will ripple out to the rest of my day.

That’s an extreme example of what many low-drive wives go through when sex is brought up. They have challenges or obstacles and they weigh the benefits with the downsides.

“Downsides?!” Yes, I heard somebody yell that. You’re asking how sex with your beloved can ever be described as having a downside. But my personal story is analogous to what a sexually disinterested wife feels. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love her husband and doesn’t want to want sex, but lovemaking isn’t a 100% positive experience.

Even if she would have a great time and reach orgasm, she may still calculate that sex isn’t worth the effort, given her other challenges.

How You Respond Matters

Whether her libido issues have something or nothing to do with you, how you respond to your wife’s disinterest can impact how much she prioritizes addressing the underlying problem.

(And this next part is where I’m going to try not to cry but will probably fail.)

Previously, when my sex drive was nearly nil, my husband didn’t understand what was happening. There were several contributing factors, but the one we both missed back then was post-partum depression. Had we known, he might have responded with greater compassion than frustration, more support than withdrawal.

This time, when I explained what I’m going through, he was disappointed—in the situation, not me. He expressed sympathy for my physical discomfort and lack of energy. He validated my own feelings of frustration. He talked with me about options for intimacy going forward.

And all that has made me want even more to prioritize sexual intimacy when and how I can.

(Pause. Need to grab a tissue.)

She Can’t vs She Won’t

I’ve read so many messages through the years from husbands who were angry about the lack of sex in their marriage. They ranged from mildly annoyed to rage-filled, but these men resented not getting the physical intimacy that was supposed to come with marriage—all because their wives weren’t willing. So I know someone’s thinking that my story is that I can’t engage and that’s entirely different from your story where your wife won’t engage.

But we are curiously made creatures. Did you know that when you get deep into a story, you experience nearly the same visceral responses as you would if you were experiencing what the point-of-view character is going through?

Likewise, even if your wife’s reasons for not having sex seem nearly fictional to you, they are real to her. Won’t isn’t that far from can’t.

And practically speaking, you’re likely to have better progress if you treat your wife’s reluctance as a can’t. That if, once you say, “You won’t,” that feels accusatory and creates an instinctive desire to defend or counterattack. But if you respond to your wife’s challenges as a can’t, you can then come alongside her and help her figure out how to get to can.

Is that a guarantee? Nope, we don’t make guarantees in this ministry. We believe in the complexity of individuals, free will, and the importance of baby steps. But positive results are far more likely when you love your wife—actively, positively, sacrificially (see Ephesians 5:25-28 and 1 Peter 3:7).

Love your wife, and she’s more likely to love you back—in part by prioritizing sexual intimacy.

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