J. Parker
As much of a blessing as children are, a mom’s body and life change in ways that can deplete a wife’s sexual desire.
Below is my story, but it includes the challenges of many wives who’ve struggled with prioritizing or even wanting sex after the arrival of children.
The Downing of My Drive
Early on in my marriage, my husband’s and my sexual desire were fairly well matched. We had missed opportunities and brief moments of frustration, but we made love regularly, enjoyed it mutually, and felt sated.
Then I got pregnant.
With that came morning sickness, so we took more passes then. When I got past my early pregnancy nausea, not only was I back in the game, I was eager. Other wives have also shared about a heightened desire during the second trimester. In the final trimester, some wives feel too uncomfortable to engage in lovemaking, but we were fine, with a few adjustments, of course.
Then my beautiful baby boy was born.
Once I got the thumbs-up from the obstetrician that my body was ready for sex again, I couldn’t have intercourse. My estrogen levels had dropped so low that sex was painful, and it took some time to discover and treat the issue. But even after that, I didn’t want sex so much.
We had sex some, and it was good. But our encounters took a lot of effort, and the benefits didn’t always feel worth the effort, given everything else going on. Why?
I was exhausted.
I didn’t feel great about my body.
My body didn’t arouse as easily.
It was difficult to flip the switch from real mama to hot mama.
With a little person touching me all day long, I didn’t want to be touched anymore.
One part of my brain was always tuned to the helpless child I was responsible for.
My husband and I were living different experiences, and he didn’t seem to fully appreciate mine.
Looking back, I see a lot I could have done differently! And believe me, Chris and I have encouraged many wives not to go down the paths we went down as young moms, but this is not an uncommon story. It’s worth looking at why motherhood can have such a dampening effect on a woman’s sexual interest.
How Having Kids Depleted My Sexual Desire. "It's worth looking at why motherhood can have such a dampening effect on a woman's sexual interest." Click To TweetContributing Factors
Each factor mentioned above contributed to the perfect storm of “no, not tonight” more often than I care to remember. Had both of us better understood what was going on, we could have navigated those waters more smoothly.
Exhaustion
I used to pull all-nighters in college to study for an exam or complete a research paper, but that sleep deprivation was nothing compared to having a colicky baby. The lack of sleep just piles up, and up, and up. And then your husband says, “Hey, let’s have sex.”
“Dear God, man, can’t you see that I’m one more sleepless night away from being a heap of tears on the kitchen floor!”
Yes, my husband was also sleep-deprived, but I was up more with the baby because I nursed him. Also, I was staying at home and could (theoretically) grab a nap here and there, while my husband went into work, so I did more nighttime duty even when I wasn’t feeding our son.
Body Image
Like many wives, I looked down at my body post-childbirth and thought, “How can this be attractive?” Among the issues that young moms face: leaking breasts, sagging skin, stretch marks, surgery scarring, and bladder incontinence.
Even though I felt great about what my body had done—brought a precious baby into the world!—I didn’t recognize it.
When my hubby would say, “Hey, let me see that body!” I didn’t always want him to. It wasn’t conscious withholding, but more like I needed time to accept and embrace this new body before I shared it with him. Even though he believed my body was still attractive, I wasn’t there yet.
Hormones
Hormones seemed to account for why my body didn’t cooperate with arousal like it had before.
In addition to estrogen cream treatment, I felt less aware of what my body was doing and needed more stimulation to reach full arousal.
If the change in hormones means it takes longer to have sex but you’re already exhausted, then a wife can have a cost-benefit assessment in her head and conclude rest is the priority.
Mommy Brain
I didn’t need Christmas to get my Grinch moment: It was the day my son was born that my heart grew three sizes. Becoming a parent taught me things about love I’d never known and experienced before. But I also couldn’t escape the longing and obligation I had to care for this fragile infant.
That meant two things mentioned above:
- It was difficult to flip the switch from real mama to hot mama.
- One part of my brain was always tuned to the helpless child I was responsible for.
Somehow, my husband didn’t seem to have this problem. He could flip that switch (click) without missing a beat.
Overstimulation
When infant became a baby and later a toddler, he demanded my attention by reaching, touching, holding, groping, and grabbing me.
Later, when my husband reached, touched, held, groped, or grabbed, I wanted to scream, “GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME.” Everyone seemed to have access to my body, and I just wanted it to be mine for a while. For people to at least ask before putting their hands on me.
I’m sure it bewildered my husband, because what had constituted flirting before felt like a violation to me. But with a little person touching me all day long, I didn’t want to be touched anymore. I was overstimulated.
Distinct Experiences
With a newborn in the house, things were decidedly different. But my husband still woke up, got ready for the day, went to work, interacted with adults and made progress on projects, and then returned home. Previously, we’d shared that experience.
Now, my daily schedule was entirely different. I struggled to find time to shower and get dressed. I spent all day away from adults and caring for a baby. Almost nothing I did ever felt done—feeding child, diapering child, putting child to sleep, doing laundry, grocery shopping, etc.
I could remember and understand his world, but he didn’t fully understand mine because he hadn’t lived it. When my husband came home, he wanted to spend time with his wife and child, but I mostly wanted a break.
Neither of us felt fully appreciated, and we experienced a rift in our connection. For many wives, feeling less seen and connected makes sexual intimacy less appealing.
Postpartum Depression
I didn’t know it then, but now I do: I had postpartum depression. While all the things I named are real issues moms deal with, they were extreme for me.
Many days, I felt like a failure. I would cry for no particular reason. I was overwhelmed, anxious, irritable, and sad—classic symptoms of PPD. “Baby blues” are common, but clinical depression can occur with 10% or more of new moms.
Coming Soon…
Today I wanted to lay out some factors that can deplete sexual desire for mothers. Do you recognize and relate to any of them from your marriage? Something here might help to explain how your wife is struggling.
Next time, I’ll tackle what would have made a difference for me—and thus what could help other wives going through these challenges.
If you’re a husband who is past this stage, several of these issues crop up at other times in a woman’s life. The takeaways I’ll share next time can be applied during many seasons of your marriage.
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