Helping Your Wife Balance Motherhood and Sexual Intimacy

J. Parker

In my last post, I talked about how having kids depleted my sexual desire. Today I want to share what would have made a difference for me—and thus what might help other wives going through these challenges.

The Parenting Piece

Before baby arrives, there is one relationship: husband and wife. After baby arrives, there are four relationships:

• husband-wife
• mother-child
• father-child
• mother-father-child (family)

All of those should matter and be nurtured. But it’s easy for the mother-child relationship to take precedence for a while if she bonds more quickly, if she’s nursing, and/or if she’s the primary caregiver. And the immediate needs of a helpless infant surely outweigh the adults’ desires.

With a baby in the house, the husband-wife relationship can take a big tumble.

Now, a whole lot of marriage resources emphasize maintaining the couple’s relationship through daily conversation, date night, regular sex, etc. I agree with all that. However…

And baby makes three.

Marriage researcher John Gottman contends in The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work that the key to transitioning well isn’t focusing on the one-on-one relationship of husband and wife but becoming three: mother-father-child.

Despite often wanting to pass off the kid to my hubby to get a break, my favorite memories are times when we were all together. I wasn’t so exhausted then, because I had a supportive partner helping me. Plus, I witnessed my husband’s love for our child, which increased my desire for him.

Whenever possible, create family time that involves all of you. That may mean you read Pat the Bunny so often you see fur in your dreams, watch way more Disney than you ever wanted, play Candyland till your eyes bug out, but these are the quantity and quality moments that build a family.

It’s called parenting.

Some husbands should spend more time on the father-child relationship. One of my peeves is when anyone refers to leaving kids with their own father as “babysitting.” It’s called parenting! (And honestly, that sells men short on the impact they have on their children.)

At times, I made things harder for my husband by having too many opinions about how childcare should be done. Gottman addresses that too in his book:

Sometimes, in her exuberance, a new mother comes off as a know-it-all to her husband. While she pays lip service to the idea that they should share the baby’s care, she casts herself into a supervisory role, constantly directing—if not ordering—the new father and even chastising him if he doesn’t do things exactly her way….

If she doesn’t like her husband’s way, she should remember that the baby is his child too and will benefit from experiencing more than one parenting style. A few baths in tepid water are a small price for an infant—and a marriage—to pay for the father’s ongoing commitment to his family.

The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work by John Gottman

I agree and advise young moms about this all the time. But you know what you gents could do to help? LEARN ABOUT YOUR OWN KID.

I’m amazed how often fathers don’t know their own children’s allergies and food preferences, typical bedtimes and how they best fall asleep, where basic supplies are kept, who the child’s playmates are, etc. I don’t think most moms are intentionally withholding this information. We figured it out and kept track. If you can’t keep track in your head—and I totally get that!—grab pen and paper or an app and record it, or ask your wife to make a list and then use it.

Demonstrating that you know your kid well goes a long way toward making your wife:

• feel understood with her parenting challenges (you get it because you’ve been there too).
• feel valued for her mothering (you know what it takes, so you support her better).
• relax her mind and heart (so she has the headspace to think about other things, like sex).
• trust you entirely with the little one (and thus take time to refresh and be ready for other things like sex).
• admire you as the amazing father you are (which can even be a turn-on).

When my husband did this well, I was more interested in sex. Because I already felt intimate, with our connection through marriage and parenting strong and secure.

The Sexuality Piece

Let’s say you and your wife feel connected, and you’re practically Father of the Year. Is that enough to make her say, “Take me now, hot daddy!”?

While the parenting piece helps with some, it doesn’t resolve all the issues I previously named:

• exhaustion
• body image
• hormones
• mommy brain
• overstimulation
• distinct experiences
• postpartum depression

Also addressing the sexuality piece can be important. How can hubby help his wife-mom feel more like having sex?

Suggest she get help, if needed.

If something’s amiss—like her body isn’t responding at all to stimulation, she experiences pain during intercourse, she’s having symptoms of depression, etc.—then your wife needs to seek help.

After the birth of our first son, our attempts at intercourse were beyond painful. My obstetrician twice brushed off my concerns, but my husband (aka Spock) didn’t accept that. Despite me saying, “The doctor says this is normal, so just get it over with,” he responded, “No. I’m not going to hurt you.” With his support, I called the doctor’s office a third time, saw the nurse practitioner, and was diagnosed with low estrogen and prescribed cream. Within a week, I was fine.

Learn what’s normal and what’s not, and be your wife’s advocate if something seems wrong. Help her navigate challenges that go beyond the normal stuff and find the answers you both need to pursue her health and your sexual intimacy.

Encourage her to refresh more than escape.

Most of the time I got away from home and baby involved me doing something with others—a girls’ night out, scrapbooking workshop, etc. But as an introvert, that’s not how I refresh! I’d have been better off to head to the park, sit by myself, and write poetry.

All too often, moms take breaks that are escapism, not refreshment. Help your wife figure out what would really help her feel renewed, confident, content, serene, and even sensual. Encourage her to experiment with different activities while you care for the little one.

Reassure her with words and affection.

I spent four weeks on bed rest in the hospital awaiting my second son. I’ll never forget the time my husband lingered in my room after my mother-in-law escorted our two-year-old son out, whom I missed terribly. I started to cry, and Spock leaned over, stroked my arm and hand, and said, “I know this is hard. I love you.”

He didn’t try to fix it (he couldn’t). He didn’t tell me not to feel bad (I did). He didn’t share chin-up or faith-based clichés (I might have screamed). No, he just gave me reassurance and affection that conveyed you’re not alone and you’re loved.

On those days when mothering is a struggle, or just because it’s Tuesday, reassure your wife. Take her hand or wrap her in a hug or slide closer to her on the couch. Look her in the eye. Let her know she’s valued, she’s a good mom, you’re there for the long haul, and you desire every kind of intimacy with her. It’s the right thing to do regardless, but it can have the side effect of increasing her romantic and sensual interest in you.

If her body image is a problem, attend to that specifically with assurances that you don’t just love her body for how it looked before, but for its amazing feats of childbirth, nursing, etc., her unique beauty, and her femininity. Acknowledge her struggles while reassuring her that she’s 100% your kind of woman.

Adjust your sexual advances.

In addition to everything we’ve talked about on KHS about helping your wife want sex, here are a few ways you may need to adjust your sexual advances after your wife becomes a mom.

Give a heads-up before touching her. It’s not that we wives don’t want to be touched by our husbands, but a lot of moms have little hands on them all day long and begin to feel like our bodies are not our own. Just having a heads-up with “How about a kiss?” or “Let me give you a hug” or “Hey, sexy” with eye contact and seeing hubby coming can go a long way to viewing physical touch and sexual advances more positively.

Reconsider your timing. Many couples make love at night. But a mom might be exhausted by the time the moon comes up, and even the promise of a fantastic orgasm can’t compete with the longing for sleep. How about trying another time of day? Maybe in the morning or when baby naps, even if that’s just on the weekend. Get more creative with timing.

Give her more transition time. Your wife may need more time to shift from mommy to lover. Encourage her to cool down mentally, emotionally, and physically on her own, and then be willing to spend more time warming her up with flirtation, romance, and foreplay.

Honor her concerns for the child. Nearly every mom could share how they stopped sexual activity because they heard or thought they heard their child cry, fall, or knock on the door. Most wives aren’t looking for excuses; rather, we instinctively have one ear open all the time. Let her pause and listen, knowing that it’s often not what we think and all can continue on as before. Or check on the child yourself, giving your wife time to relax and be ready when you return. If you have to stop because a child truly needs her, please don’t make it a “you chose the child over me” thing, but ask for a raincheck and shift back to mother-father-child.

Wrapping Up (Finally)

I threw a lot at y’all today. But I want to wrap up with this thought: A good father is an attractive husband.

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Seeing Spock be a great father kinda makes me wanna jump him. This isn’t true for all wives, but it’s true more than I suspect you gents know.

If you can invest with your wife in family, you may still have challenges with her hormones, body image, exhaustion, etc. But you can more easily address them. And when those challenges subside, you’ll have a stronger marriage from which to nurture sexual intimacy.