J. Parker
A whole lot of husbands who read our blog and/or listen to our podcast feel sexually neglected in their marriage. They might not have had any sex for a long time in their marriage, they may be experiencing a dry spell, or they may simply feel their wife agrees to sex only out of obligation and not from a desire to intimately connect.
One way or another, she’s holding out on you.
And it hurts. This woman whom you love, whom you vowed to share life with, whom you find beautiful … is reluctant to give you the physical love you long to have.
Our Knowing Her Sexually (KHS) Ministry focuses on helping husbands better understand their wives and what might reach them in their isolation, draw them out, and tap into their sexual interest. But today, I’m turning my eye to the wives. What do I wish I could say to that reluctant wife?
“It isn’t about the sex.”
As soon as I spoke those words, a fair number of wives would look at me like I’d grown a unicorn horn and say, “What do you mean it’s not about sex? That’s what he wants—sex!” To which I would respond, “Yeah, but the sex isn’t just about sex. It’s about feeling loved, accepted, and connected.”
Now, all that happens in a physical way that involves pretty great pleasure (if you’re doing it “right”), but the intense desire isn’t simply for physical release. Higher desire spouses long for something deeper. Ejaculation—or orgasm for women—may scratch the itch, but it doesn’t soothe the soul.
I’d share with a reluctant wife some of the heartfelt emails I’ve gotten from husbands telling me how much they appreciate their wives and how lonely they feel without sexual closeness. I’d point them to my post on Hot, Holy, and Humorous about how a sexually rejected spouse feels. I’d share Chris’s posts for wives about his emotional need, his hurting, and facing that truth. I’d ask them to go read what husbands themselves say when asked, “What do you wish women understand about male sexuality?”
I’d hope somewhere in there, a reluctant wife would realize that her husband doesn’t just want sex. He wants intimacy with her.
“You’ve been lied to, and that’s unfair.”
Women are told so many lies about sex, it’s hard to even know where to start. So what I usually do is ask a reluctant wife what her beliefs about sex are, and then I can address specific messages that have impaired her understanding and embrace of God’s design for sexual intimacy.
Some of the usual suspects are:
- Sex isn’t just for him; God designed it for you too.
- Your sexual response isn’t supposed to look like his.
- 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 is far less about obligation than mutuality.
- Sexual purity in marriage involves having sex, not avoiding it.
- It’s okay to ask for what you need and want in the bedroom.
- It’s okay to set appropriate boundaries in the bedroom.
- Sex shouldn’t be painful. It’s time to figure out what’s going on and get it addressed.
- Pornography is an enemy worth fighting, and you and your husband can win.
- Learning some basics and better skills may make sex feel much more pleasurable to you.
- Your orgasm matters, so if you want one, you should be able to have one.
- That guy who hurt you sexually before, that isn’t your husband.
- If your husband did hurt you sexually, you have every right to grieve and require better treatment.
- God loves you and can heal all your wounds, and you are worth it to your Heavenly Papa.
That’s a long list, but it’s still not comprehensive. Each wife has her own story, with its own twists and turns, and it’s worth listening to that story, sitting with her in her hurt and frustration, and answering the doubts and frustrations she’s had.
But yeah, I’d want her to know that we women (and men) have been lied to, and it’s time to reclaim what God intended for us and our marriages.
“What if sex could be wonderful?”
When I was living my worst sexual experiences (pre-marriage), I lacked understanding of God’s design, the emotional strength to resist the lies, and strategies to maintain sexual integrity. But in some ways, what I lacked most was imagination. I couldn’t imagine doing much better; being in a loving, covenant relationship with a husband who desired me as much as I desired him; having a God-blessed sex life.
I’d settled for a junk-food diet of fake intimacy when God wanted to give me the real gourmet feast. But I’d never experienced that feast, and my imagination—or really, my faith—wasn’t developed enough to give me a taste of what that might be like.
For so many reluctant wives, I wish I could cast the vision, show them what could be, if only they would step out in faith that God can heal their hearts, draw them closer to their husbands, and build mutually satisfying sexual intimacy in their marriage.
What if, I would say, having sex with your husband felt less like a physical obligation and more like a passionate longing? What if you could feel all those tingles of falling in love again, over and over? What if God really wants his precious daughter to enjoy the marriage bed He gave her?
Again, I would tailor my what ifs to her story, with some other common themes being:
- What if he doesn’t want sex every day, like you think he does, but once or twice a week?
- What if your husband didn’t want you as a tool for but a partner in his pleasure?
- What if sex doesn’t feel good because you’re not having it often enough for your body to acclimate and enjoy it?
- What if you could regularly achieve orgasm?
All of it comes down to: What if sex could be wonderful—not just for him but for you?
“You don’t have to change that much.”
Finally, I’d assure wives that they don’t have to change that much—they just need to take that first step, then the next, then the next.
Yes, eventually a lot of change may, and should, happen for reluctant wives. But they aren’t expected to transform tomorrow. The destination is less important right now than getting on the right path.
I’d help a reluctant wife identify the next one, two, or three things to work on. Once those changes have become habits (and sorry, but that takes an average of 66 days), then she can identify the next steps and work on those. And over and over, until she sees positive results she only imagined before and knows and feels the beauty of sexual intimacy in her marriage.
Would she listen?
I’ve been around long enough to know that some wives wouldn’t be receptive to any of this. But I’ve also been around long enough to know that some would, and some who aren’t receptive now store such thoughts and mull them through later or hear the message from another source at another time and are convinced.
Hope is not dead just because you can’t see right this moment how things will unfold. Keep praying, keep talking, keep having hope.
And we’ll keep talking to wives, sharing how much their husbands tell us they love their wives and God’s design for sex in marriage.
Do you think maybe you could tell her that church/school/work/community activities will get done without her constant attendance? You think maybe you could shake her by the shoulders and say, “WAKE UP! You’ve got a husband who resents your neglect and a daughter that you drove away with your constant gaslighting! It’s too late to change it, but you can at least apologize and make a pretense of remorse for the past 3 decades!”
You think you could do that? Because she sure ain’t going to listen to it from ME, much less believe she has done anything wrong.
WE HAVE SAID THAT! We’ve talked about that very thing on our podcast for wives, Sex Chat for Christian Wives. I’m sorry that your wife hasn’t had that brought home to her, but we have talked about it to wives. I can’t be everywhere, though, and say everything to every wife. Believe me, we are trying to get the message out!
But as I see you’ve left over 20 comments on our site today with a lot of anger about the lack of sex in your marriage, may I suggest that perhaps your bitterness could be playing a role as well? I’m not saying that you started out that way, but even if your wife had no good reason to withhold for umpteen years, your resentment isn’t going to create a safe atmosphere for her to engage. She is likely to pull away even more. Believe us or don’t, but we’ve heard from many wives who say they might want to turn things around BUT FOR an angry, closed-off, or bitter husband.
~J
Yeah, all my fault; even at the start when she avoided me like the plague on our honeymoon. Believe it or not, I haven’t always been this way. I’m sure you won’t believe me. Yes, I got your email. Don’t worry, I won’t be bothering you anymore.
You mischaracterized what I said. I didn’t say this was all your fault. In fact, I acknowledged that your wife may have deprived you for many years without good reason. What I did say is that your current approach is unlikely to yield any positive in your marriage.
(And for anyone else reading this, yes, I emailed Alan about the 40+ comments he left in the last couple of days on this site and my HHH site. I am more than willing to engage with readers and provide as much insight and assistance as I know how to give. But at some point, when the ranting becomes excessive, personal, and unproductive, enough is enough.)
~ J
It took many years of marriage before my wife began to understand one of the points you made above. Sex isn’t about sex.
She viewed sex as closeness and intimacy for herself, but for whatever reason, she assumed it was all about the physical pleasure for me. I think the orgasm gap probably had a lot to do with why she thought that way. There are times she’s content with saving it for next time, but because I want an orgasm every time, she assumed that was all I wanted form the encounter. Sure, having an orgasm is awesome, but I want the closeness and intimacy just as much as she does. It’s not all about the physical pleasure, it’s about bonding with my wife. When she began to understand that we both wanted the same thing out of sex, then our time together started turning into something we both truly enjoy.
Have you ever thought of forgoing the orgasm you ‘want every time’ to work on what she needs to start enjoying sex? Approaching this from the perspective of what he needs would have put more pressure, guilt and shame on me when I was in a bad place. I know it works for some wives, but for me, it would have had the opposite outcome.
I appreciate you sharing your experience. We welcome wives letting husbands know what it’s like for them. However, Greg didn’t say his wife doesn’t enjoy sex. As mentioned in another reply to Greg, some wives don’t need or want to climax every single time. In fact, feeling like that needs to happen every time can actually make sexual intimacy less enjoyable for some wives. It’s really an individual choice that has multiple factors. If I could ask Greg’s wife directly, we might have an answer for what she truly wants, but without that information, it doesn’t seem fair to accuse her husband of just seeking “what he needs.”
~J
You say she’s content to ‘leave it ’til next time?’ Have you talked to her about why she doesn’t want an orgasm every time? Are you willing to do what it takes to make sure she has an orgasm? If there is any hint of impatience on your part, that would kill it dead. If she told you she would like an orgasm every time, would you do everything you could to help her achieve that?
Tanya, your somewhat critical tone doesn’t quite seem to match Greg’s description of how and his wife worked through an issue. Now maybe Greg should ask himself these questions, but maybe not. Maybe it’s all good.
While a husband should be willing to “do what it takes to make sure she has an orgasm” and impatience can certainly make climax more difficult, not believing a wife when she says she doesn’t want it this time can also hurt sexual intimacy. I’ve actually written before about not wanting an orgasm every single time (Why I Sometimes Don’t Care about the Orgasm | Hot, Holy & Humorous), and I wouldn’t take well to someone accusing my husband of not wanting me to enjoy myself thoroughly…because he most certainly does.
~ J
When I was struggling, this approach would not have helped me. I wanted a loving sexual relationship with my husband. He really did want ‘just sex’. Some men do want sex purely for their release, and I bet many of these men have been the ones who have been writing to you, complaining over the years that their wives never want sex. And they’ve never understood why and never been open to understanding why. The first two ‘what ifs’ were true in my case.
Angela, I’m sorry that you experienced a husband who “really did want ‘just sex.'” Yes, there are such husbands out there, and in that case, the problem isn’t a lack of sex but a lack of love, respect, and kindness. We certainly tell husbands like these to own up, stop being a jerk, and pursue what’s best for their wife and their marriage.
But on this charge: “I bet many of these men have been the ones who have been writing to you, complaining over the years that their wives never want sex.” That’s really not the majority of them. If you could read the emails we get, you’d see that most men who read and listen to our content are good-willed husbands who really do miss intimacy with their wives. The ones being selfish? They show that in the way they write, usually without realizing they did. I’m struggling to explain this well enough, but after nearly 12 years of doing what I do, I’m pretty good at spotting the difference.
Still, back to you… I’m sorry that those what ifs weren’t true. It should not have been that way for you. May you feel God’s presence and comfort.
~ J
I suppose that is why some women shouldn’t really read articles like this. I think you’d get the idea from the title or at least early on in the article that to read any further could make you feel worse after you’d read it.
It’s really an article written to husbands about wives, with the hope that they might gain insights for how to move forward with her. And it’s a bit of a response to the many husbands who have suggested I should be talking to their wife, when we both know that reluctant wife wouldn’t read a blog like this. But maybe the ideas can seep into the marriage and help this couple come to a better place.
~J