by Chris Taylor
J and I have often stressed the importance of your wife feeling known in your marriage. Feeling known can lead to your wife also feeling accepted and loved—and that in turn is essential in helping her want to be close to you physically.
A recent conversation at my house reminded me of just how true this is.
Two years ago, my husband and I moved from Wisconsin to central Illinois to live with and care for his elderly father. I am the one who is home with his dad most of the time, and while I don’t have to do much, I do handle all the pills and shots as well as meals and medical appointments.
The Conversation
Let’s take a look at how our conversation went:
Me: Something’s going on with your dad. He’s been making more and more comments about [a thing he has to do regularly].
Big Guy (my husband): He’s just joking around.
Me: I don’t think so. There’s an element of joking around, but his complaints have increased and he doesn’t have his usual joking tone.
BG: You’re just making something out of nothing.
Me: Let me rephrase that for you. Here’s what you meant to say: “You’re right. You spend a lot more time with Dad than I do, so you see more. You’re so good with empathy and emotions, and you often pick up on things that I simply don’t see. You’re so wonderful.”
BG: You’re right. You ARE wonderful, and I’m glad to have you. I appreciate how well you take care of Dad and how much you are tuned in to what is going on with him.
Guys, take notes on that last comment from my husband, because it made me all melty inside. And he didn’t even have to agree with my assessment of what was going on with his dad.
Here’s what he did that was so appealing to me: He appreciated in me the things I most value about myself.
Why I Felt Known
When I think of who I am and what matters the most about the way God created me, one of the most important things that comes to mind is empathy. I am sensitive to the feelings of others. I pick up on emotional nuances that others don’t notice. I also have a gift for seeing patterns. I’m with my father-in-law so often that I pick up on even the smallest of changes in behavior, attitude, and so on.
When Big Guy first said I was making something out of nothing, I felt a sting of hurt because being aware of emotions is my thing, and I felt like one thing that is so essential to my being was being rejected or ignored.
Rather than let myself sit with that hurt, I gave my husband the words that I would have liked to hear. And because he isn’t a rookie at this marriage thing, he paid attention. While he didn’t agree with what I thought about his dad, he DID agree that I am good at noticing things about his dad. My husband knows that I value my emotional awareness, and he acknowledged the value of what I do and who I am.
What I craved wasn’t his agreement with me, but his recognition and appreciation of something I value about myself. He has given me the gift of showing me I am known when he has said something positive about what I’ve written, or when he has noted that our kids felt loved or that I did a good job speaking at an event.
When I feel known by my husband, I feel loved in a way that draws my heart closer toward him.
And here’s a bonus: While my husband and I aren’t big Love Languages folks, I do know that my love language is words of affirmation. My husband expressed appreciation for what I value in a way that most speaks love to me.
What About Your Wife?
Think about your own wife for a few minutes. What does she value about herself and about the way God created her?
If you don’t know, start to pay attention. What does she spend her time trying to do? In what areas does she seek your reassurance? What positive comments do others make about her?
Let’s say that your wife values herself as a good homemaker. She spends time decorating the house to make it feel like a home. She watches shows and reads magazines to get new ideas because she wants everyone who enters your door to feel welcomed and cared for.
Find a way to acknowledge this gift that she sees as such a strong part of who she is.
- Tell her that you want her to feel as cherished as everyone who walks through the door; then go get her favorite beverage or snack and ask her how you can pamper her for an hour.
- Give her a decoration that says something like “My wife is the heart of our home.”
- Spend time watching a decorating show or going to Hobby Lobby with her when she wants to update something.
- Tell her, verbally or in a sweet card, how much you appreciate what a lovely home she has made for your family.
- Give her a grateful hug next time she makes a change in the home.
When you show your appreciation for something that is at the core of who she is, you help your wife feel known and loved. That just might make her feel close to you—and maybe even want to feel closer.
