Why Can’t My Wife Let Go and Enjoy Sex?

J. Parker

Several husbands have contacted us explaining that their wife struggles to let go during sex. That is, she can’t seem to relinquish control and allow herself to feel pleasure. Are you married to such a wife?

What’s Holding Her Back?

Some wives really do want to maintain tight control in the bedroom, and yet that can be the very thing preventing them from having satisfying sex. The best sexual experiences happen when you can be fully present with your spouse and engage deeply and freely with a variety of sensations.

So why can’t she just do that?

A wife may struggle to release control for a lot of reasons. Here are just some:

She’s worried about her body.

Body image is a huge barrier for a lot of wives, and a woman’s body can tense when she’s on display or being touched and feels like she doesn’t measure up. It may not even be your standards she’s worried about but her own.

She’s worried about how she’ll sound or look.

If she lets go, then she might make sounds or faces that she considers unattractive. For her, those grunts or shouts of pleasure or the contorted expressions before and during climax are embarrassing.

She holds guilt about past sexual experiences.

When she lost control before, that experience was entwined with sexual sin. Even though that’s history and she’s in a covenant marriage now, a loss of control is viscerally tied with doing something wrong. She feels she can’t let go, or sin and guilt might rush in again.

She doesn’t feel safe with you.

Sex is a vulnerable experience for both spouses, but especially for women. If she feels that she cannot completely trust you, she may be doing what she can to protect herself. Now some wives have very good reason to feel unsafe, because they aren’t safe. Other wives have good husbands but were wounded in their marriage and struggle to trust again. Yet other wives may be overstating their husbands’ slights or don’t feel safe with men generally.

She experienced sexual mistreatment.

Sexual trauma, abuse, or even harassment removes agency from the victim-survivor. Something sexual happened to that person that they couldn’t control. One normal response to that emotional pain is to maintain or exert control in future sexual encounters, so that they feel that sense of agency.

She sees sexual enjoyment as less-than.

Sadly, plenty of women absorbed the idea that “good girls don’t.” A wife with this message humming in her bones can’t let go and enjoy sex because that would make her less spiritual, less respectable, less good. Not wanting to become a “nympho,” she just won’t let herself fully go there.

She’s too busy.

Her day and/or her mind are too full of other things to be able to relax and get into sex. Whether it’s to-dos, distractions, or anxiety, her body and brain won’t seem to let go of the tension. Indeed, she may not even know how to let go, so simply telling her to do so adds one more to-do she can’t get done.

She’s punishing you.

I hesitated on using the word punishing, because most of the time, this is not at all intentional. But I do admit that it’s punishment all the same. That is, your wife’s upset with you or something you did or how the marriage is going, and she knows you want her fully engaged in sex. But she won’t let you—or herself—enjoy sex unless and until that other thing is resolved. And seriously, again, this is rarely at the conscious level. People just tend to pay back others in kind, and this can happen with sex too.

She’s in pain or discomfort.

Too many women are in pain or discomfort during sex, and their husbands have little to no idea. A wife may downplay her pain or discomfort or simply disassociate from her feeling to get through the experience. Most such wives feel they are doing a good thing for their husbands—having sex for him, but not for her—and they don’t know how to or if they should speak up and admit that sex hurts.

She’s freaked out by her climax.

This reason likely sounds foreign to husbands, but just hear me out. An orgasm for some wives can be overwhelming, especially if it lasts for a while or contains multiple peaks. Some women report feeling unable to move afterward, shaking and crying, or prickling sensations throughout. Even if the climax isn’t that strong, a wife can still feel overpowered by it. That loss of control can be scary that some women avoid it.

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As you can see, there are myriad reasons why a wife might be holding something back during sex. As we’ve said before, and will likely say again, we gals are complex creatures. Sorry, not sorry.

The good news is that a lot of wives do learn to overcome these hurdles, to relax, and to enjoy sexual intimacy in their marriage.

What Can You Do?

Excellent question! What can you do to help your wife get past her challenges and let herself experience the sexual pleasure you want to give her?

Obviously, it depends on the reason she’s holding back. But more wives than not would respond to one or more of these:

• Actively fostering safety for her in your relationship and bedroom.
• Inviting her to share what her sexual experience has been and then showing compassion and support for any hurts she’s experienced.
• Apologizing (and here’s where you don’t hold back) for any pain you’ve caused her and asking how you can rebuild trust.
• Giving her time, space, and support to grieve past offenses—wherever they came from—and to seek healing.
• Offering to go through therapy with her, for relationship or sexual issues.
• Helping her manage household, family, and social obligations so that she can better clear her calendar and mind for sex.
• Going slower during sex and encouraging her to speak up for what she needs to relax and enjoy.

If she doesn’t respond to any of these, you might revisit getting outside help. If therapy isn’t on the table for her, she might be willing to take a marriage class or read a marriage resource together.

Will She Ever Let Go?

Remember that progress isn’t measured by your wife walking into your bedroom tomorrow wearing a leather-and-lace teddy and purring, “Let’s get wild!” Much as you might appreciate that. ~grin~

Most success stories I’ve heard took at least months and even a couple of years for a spouse or couple to transition to a different and better way of having sex. But it’s a journey well worth taking.

So, as you address her tension, ask yourself: Is she trying? Are there moments of success? Are you two growing closer in your relationship as you tackle this problem together? Is she feeling safer overall? Can you envision that, if you continue on this path, you’ll end up in a better place?

Believe me, I’m pulling for you both.