J. Parker

When it comes to sexual intimacy, ambiance matters. Setting the scene for lovemaking can be an important part of pursuing and seducing your wife.

Today, I’m sharing ideas on how to set that scene in ways that appeal to women, so that your bedroom becomes an invitation to intimate lovemaking. For each category, there are three recommendations and a step-it-up bonus.

As always, keep your specific wife in mind as you consider these suggestions.

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Lighting

Complete darkness or stark lighting doesn’t create the best atmosphere. Try one of the following instead.

Real or Battery-Operated Candles.

If your wife is a fan of candles, grab a few and light them. But if she worries about the smell, smoke, or wax, go with battery-operated candles that mimic flickering light.

Colored Bulbs

Got a bedside lamp? Switch out the regular bulb with a colored one. Red, purple, and black lights are typically good choices for low, sensual lighting.

Rope or String Lights

Hang string or rope lights around your bed frame or above your bed to create a soft but consistent glow.

Bonus: Light Projector

Step it up by getting a light projector that bathes the wall(s) in stars, ocean waves, or aurora lights.

Cleanliness

Sex is messy. It’s a good kind of messy, but it’s still messy and your wife might be more willing and freer to engage if clean-up items are available.

Towel

Would she prefer a towel underneath you two while you make love? Or a washcloth nearby to clean up after? Get those ready and put them within reach.

Wipes

Another option, or supplement, is body wipes. You can get something general or more specific to her, such as pH-balanced feminine wipes for clean-up afterward.

Dental Dams/Condoms

If oral sex is potentially on the menu, you may want or need dental dams or condoms. If so, make sure those are in stock and ready to go.

Bonus: Bubble/Salt Bath

Step it up by preparing a bubble or Epsom salt bath for your wife. Encourage her to take a few minutes to soak and release her stress or offer to join her in the bath and clean up together.

View

One of my favorite films is A Room with a View, in which a father and son give up their Italian hotel room to fellow female tourists. In doing so, the father says, “Women like looking at a view. Men don’t.” I don’t think that’s exactly true, but the view in the bedroom matters to many women.

Tidy Room

Many wives enter a bedroom and see everything that needs to be cleaned and put away. You can help your wife clear her mind for sexual intimacy by decluttering surfaces, putting away laundry, placing children’s toys somewhere else (anywhere else), and even running a vacuum or broom across the floor.

Welcoming Bed

What makes a bed welcoming? Well, for one thing, it should be made—sheets and covers straight or straightish. You can then turn down the bed, add plush pillows, and even scatter flower petals for extra effect.

Your Appearance

In a previous podcast episode, we discussed the importance of grooming and hygiene. How you present yourself can make a difference in the attractiveness of sex to your wife. Make sure you’re clean and wear something she’d appreciate, whether that’s a suit, jeans and boots, or silk boxers. Dress to impress!

Bonus: Bed Alternative

While the bed is where most sex happens in marriage, it’s not the only place it can happen. Step it up by providing a different spot in your bedroom for lovemaking, like a plush rug on the floor, a blown-up air mattress, a pup tent, or even a blanket fort. Get creative in setting a more adventurous, inviting space for physical intimacy.

Sound

Whether it’s a romantic tune, eerie silence, or cricket chirps at night, sounds create moods. Tap into that experience by providing the right soundtrack for your lovemaking.

Music

From classical to jazz to country to rock-n-roll to R&B, you can find great music for sexual intimacy. Check out some of my music playlist ideas and/or bedroom soundtracks from Bonny Burns at OysterBed7.

White Noise

Plenty of wives struggle to concentrate on sex because their kids are just down the hall. Using a white noise machine can mask the sounds you make and thus help your wife focus.

Your Words

Most wives remember the most romantic things their husband said to them. We sear those moments into our memories and treasure them. Telling your wife how much you love her, explaining how beautiful she is to you inside and out, and/or sharing the pleasure you want to provide her can have a deep and lasting impact. If you want, write it out ahead of time and read aloud from your notes; she might appreciate the intentionality and effort.

Bonus: “Mix Tape”

Step it up by putting together a playlist that represents your courtship and marriage. What songs have special meaning to you both? Put that “mix tape” together and invite your wife to dance to one or more songs before lovemaking begins.

Comfort

Sex is a vulnerable experience, especially for women, so creating a comfortable space can help your wife relax and enjoy.

Privacy

Among the reasons wives give for being unable to relax is worrying about others seeing, hearing, or knowing they’re having sex. Be sure to provide the privacy she needs by making sure there’s a reliable lock on the door and it’s engaged. If time alone is a particular challenge, consider taking the kids to the grandparents or a babysitter so that you can have privacy.

Lube/Massage Oil

If you might use a personal lubricant, massage oil, or lotion, be the one to make sure it’s ready to go. Even purchase some new ones to try, so that foreplay and sex can unfold smoothly.

Sheets and Covers

Do you have comfortable linens on your bed? Make sure the sheets will feel good against her skin and that there are enough blankets to keep her warm.

Bonus: Cozy Socks

Socks? Yes, socks. One experiment studying something entirely different about sex discovered that participants who wore socks orgasmed more easily. Perhaps they were simply less distracted by cold feet? Whatever the reason, tenderly slipping a pair of cozy socks on your wife before lovemaking could increase her comfort.

Scents

Generally speaking, women have a better sense of smell than men. And smell can trigger memory and emotion. So, adding positive scents can help a wife get in the mood.

Scented Candle

If your wife likes candles, pick a scented one. Make sure it’s a scent she enjoys, or go with something basic like vanilla, lavender, or jasmine.

Linen Spray

Give your sheets a splash of an enticing fragrance with a linen spray.

Good-Smelling Man

Make sure you’ve showered or cleaned up, are wearing deodorant, and have brushed your teeth or used mouthwash or at least popped in a breath mint. If you and your beloved like it, dab on cologne or splash on aftershave.

Bonus: Diffuser

Step it up with an essential oil diffuser, which does exactly what its name says. It diffuses essential oils into the air as a fine mist, bringing with it the subtle aroma of whichever oil you used.

You don’t have to do many of the ideas listed here. Rather, pick out a few good ones, plan and prepare, and set the scene to invite your wife into luxurious lovemaking in your own bedroom.

Your wife may well appreciate the result or at least the effort.