“We Used to Have Regular Sex, and Now She Doesn’t Want To.”

Chris Taylor

Whether it’s a sudden shift or a gradual one, a change in a wife’s sexual interest is bound to be confusing (for her as well as for you). What might be going on—and what you can you do about it?

A husband wrote to ask us why his wife doesn’t feel like having sex now, even though they had regular sex for many years.

Whether it’s a sudden shift or a gradual one, a change in a wife’s sexual interest is bound to be confusing (for her as well as for you).

A husband probably wants to know what is behind the change—and what he can do about it.

What’s Going On?

Let’s take a look at some of the things that might turn a formerly sex-positive wife away from sex.

Hormones and Health

Our physical health can have an impact on both sexual interest and sexual response.

Hormonal changes are especially noticeable. Breastfeeding and menopause are major culprits here, as they impact not only libido but also the health of vaginal and vulval tissue that is involved in sexual arousal. Illnesses like cancer, diabetes, heart disease, and depression can both decrease interest in sex and negatively impact a woman’s ability to respond to sexual stimulation. Furthermore, some medications can have similar effects.

Discomfort and Pain

When changes in hormones and health affect her body’s ability to produce sufficient lubrication, sex becomes uncomfortable or even painful. Painful sex is not good for your wife, and it isn’t good for your marriage. A woman who used to experience great pleasure during sex may now be thinking, I just want this to be over with, I can’t handle this much longer, or I hope I don’t get internal abrasions and bleed again. It’s no surprise that she would want to avoid sex that hurts her.

Problems in the Relationship

If your relationship has a problem—or if you have been involved in pornography or other betrayal—her drop in sexual interest isn’t the problem. Rather, it is a reflection of the problem. Just as physical pain can make her avoid sex, so can emotional pain. Sex is such a vulnerable experience for a woman, and avoiding sex is a matter of emotional protection for her.

Your Health

Not only can her own health affect her interest in sex, so can yours. If you experience difficulty getting or maintaining an erection, you may require more manual or oral stimulation than you used to. If these things are difficult for your wife to do or if she doesn’t enjoy them, sex may require more energy or time than she has available. Additionally, she may be worried about your health, especially if you’ve experienced any heart problems. Concern about giving you a heart attack can definitely dampen her libido.

Sexual Authenticity

Many wives have been taught that their sexual experience is secondary to their husband’s. They have been saying yes a whole lot of times when they didn’t really want to have sex, just because they felt they were supposed to or because they didn’t think sex was supposed to be for them too. It may not be her interest in sex that has changed as much as her willingness to finally say something and be honest with you. While this may seem distressing, it is also a sign that she is growing toward a healthier view of sex that says that her experience matters as much as yours does.

Her Healing

If your wife has been pursuing healing from sexual trauma or bad teachings about sex, the ability to finally speak up for herself is a sign that she is doing some hard work and is making progress. More important, she feels emotionally safe in expressing her thoughts about sex.

Not Enough Sex

You might be surprised by this one. Frequent sexual activity can make it easier to respond to sexual stimuli. Many women say that the more they have sex, the more they want sex. That also means that the less they have sex, the less they want it.

What Can You Do?

You can’t take a simple hammer and nails and fix any of this for your wife. However, there are some things you can do that can influence your wife’s interest in sex.

  1. Ask her why she is no longer as interested in sex as she used to be. She may not understand completely what is going on, but she will still have some insight as to what has changed.
  2. Help her get help. Encourage her to see a doctor or a counselor to identify specific problems and solutions to what is happening.
  3. Get help for yourself. If your own sexual response has changed, talk with a doctor about how to address health problems or change medication options. If the problem has been that you betrayed your wife in some way, seek counseling or an appropriate support group for that.
  4. Make changes in bed. Do what you can to make it easier and more comfortable for your wife to experience sex. Change how you touch her. Use manual and oral stimulation for a time, or insert your penis between her thighs rather than in her vagina.
Whether it’s a sudden shift or a gradual one, a change in a wife’s sexual interest is bound to be confusing (for her as well as for you). What might be going on—and what you can you do about it?

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