Who’s to Blame for Your Sexual Problems?

J. Parker

The #1 pushback message we get from husbands here (and in emails) is that we’re blaming men for wives’ misbehavior.

I don’t discount that critique. Rather, it deserves more in-depth consideration, a few clarifications, and a look at a larger question: Do wives in general blame men for their sexual problems?

Is your wife the problem?

If your wife isn’t showing up at all to have sex or does so grudgingly at best, then it’s pretty easy to point the finger at her and say she’s the problem. And maybe she is the problem.

I’ve heard from plenty of wives through the years who are not struggling with their feelings about sex or simply disinterested, but actively avoidant. They not only don’t want to work on their sex life—they don’t want to talk about it, read about it, or hear about it. I’ve even heard of wives who will get up and walk out of a Bible class or worship service where sex in marriage is mentioned.

If that’s your situation, that stinks. It’s really difficult to know what to do in that situation. What I would tell you is that for a large majority of such wives, there are reasons they are not engaging or willing to discuss their defiance.

Almost always, underlying their resistance is emotional pain.

That doesn’t make it okay, but it does make her choice more understandable.

Does it feel like you’re at war?

Merriam-Webster defines war as:
1:  a state or period of fighting between countries or groups
2: a situation in which people or groups compete with or fight against each other

That doesn’t mean that you’re actively fighting every single day. Rather, war can involve fighting, competition, standoffs, stalemates, and attempts to outmaneuver the other. Some marriages have experienced one or more of those within their relationship just on the topic of sex.

You may feel you’ve already given as much ground as you can. If only she would waive the white flag, you could find some resolution. Except you’re not in separate trenches.

The thing about marriage is that your lives are intertwined. If you lose, she loses. If she loses, you lose. (This is, by the way, one reason that divorce is so bad. It’s sometimes necessary, but no one walks out of marriage not having lost in some way.)

Even if you feel at times that you’re at war, embracing the spouse-as-enemy mentality won’t lead to a good outcome. While it’s a more theologically sound approach to address marriage problems as a we challenge, it’s also more effective. Practically speaking, you’ll have better results if you’re on the same side fighting whatever is causing your wife to avoid sex.

You have lost something, though.

I’m great at hope, but terrible at whitewashing. So I’m 100% there with you if you say that not having the sexual intimacy you crave with the woman you love feels awful.

And if you say that you don’t care anymore, I don’t believe you. You wouldn’t be reading this blog post if the rejection didn’t still hurt and you didn’t long for something better.

It won’t help to become bitter (see Are You Bitter in Your Marriage? So Was I.), but you have every right and reason to grieve. You’ve experienced loss—through dashed expectations, personal rejection, wasted opportunities to make love, or something else.

Our culture isn’t great at grieving, and men tend to default to anger more than sadness, even when sadness is more in line with their true emotions. Sometimes I think y’all get a raw deal that way—how many societies don’t give men enough space to express their full emotions, as women tend to get.

Yet, grief is a big part of Scripture. Lamentations is a whole book about what was lost and why it hurts so much. Many of the Psalms involve going before God and making a complaint about how things are going, followed by a plea for something better, and finally, the understanding that God will come through—one way or another. Jesus’s time in the Garden of Gethsemane was a time of grief for what had been and what was to come (his crucifixion).

If you need to grieve, grieve. Because you’re right—mutually desired and enjoyable sex is supposed to be part of marriage. That was and is God’s plan.

What happens next?

So you know sex in your marriage is an issue, your wife isn’t willing to work on it, and you have grieved the situation you find yourself in. What now?

And this is where every marriage author and speaker worth a dime will tell you the truth: You cannot change your spouse. You can only change yourself.

Anyone who pushes “10 Surefire Ways to Move Your Wife from Reluctant to Rarin’-to-Go!” or “Get Laid Tonight: Guaranteed” is selling their product, not sharing life wisdom.

God created this inconvenient thing called “free will,” where people get to look at their choices, consider the consequences, and make decisions. You get to do it, but your wife gets to do it too. And it’s true for me and my ministry partner: When our marriages were not going well, Chris and I couldn’t change our husbands, so we changed how we behaved toward them.

Over time, our fresh approaches resulted in different responses from our husbands. But even if nothing had changed, we were still doing our part and feeling better about how we were contributing positively to the marriage. We were treating someone else the way we wanted to be treated. (Oh, look, the Golden Rule in action!)

That’s why our mission is not to tell husbands how to change their wives, but rather “to help Christian husbands who want to better understand their wife sexually so they can know and love her more deeply.” We’re just hoping to explain women better and help husbands use whatever influence they have to pursue better intimacy, physical and otherwise.

Do wives think he is the problem?

Chris and I do not believe men are the problem. Well, some men are. We receive messages from husbands now and then with such harsh words about a wife or women in general that we think, “Of course his wife’s not sleeping with him. He’s a jerk!” But that’s a small percentage of marriages. Most of the time, a well-meaning husband longs to love his wife better but finds himself deeply hurt that sex isn’t a bigger and better part of the marriage.

We’re not all women, though, and we know some wives do talk badly about husbands regarding sex. When that happens, we speak up in defense of men. We like men.

And a fair number of wives in ministry also speak positively about men. Women hear these messages, often when you’re not around. Women also hear a lot of other messages, some of which make them feel like they are the ones being blamed for all the sexual problems.

Let’s diagnose the real problem.

The real problem is the brokenness of our world. Once sin entered, not only have people made selfish choices that exploit or hurt others; they’ve experienced deep hurt that makes them overprotect themselves and their hearts at times, thus pushing loved ones away.

And Satan is especially interested in attacking us in our most vulnerable places. Given that sex involves our bodies, hearts, minds, and even souls, it’s a prime target.

The Apostle Paul famously said:

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

Ephesians 6:12

Now, THAT’s a war worth fighting. And how is it fought? Mostly with love, compassion, kindness, and grace for others. Welcome to the upside-down kingdom.

We’re rooting for your victory.