Chris Taylor
Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.~ Proverbs 21:9
Several Bible translations use the words “nagging” or “contentious” rather than “quarrelsome.” Regardless of which translation we use, we all understand what is meant here and we know that nagging is unpleasant.
If women understand this verse (which we do), why do so many of us nag our husbands?
I’m going to lift the veil a bit on what is going on in the mind—and heart—of a wife who nags. And beyond that veil, you will see what nagging has to do with sex.
The Wife Who Fears
I’d like to tell you that I am a wife who has never nagged her husband, or at least a wife who is a reformed nag. Sadly, this is an area where I still fall far short, although I am making progress.
Nothing justifies nagging. Nonetheless, understanding why a wife might nag can help you address the issue.
The Bible is filled with reminders to fear not, to be courageous, and to trust in God.
Yet nagging often has its roots in a wife’s fear—fear of being vulnerable, fear of being alone, fear of life falling apart.
Let me share with you how this has looked in our marriage.
From childhood, I knew that I never wanted to rely on any man for anything. I didn’t trust easily, and relying on a husband required a great deal of trust that I thought I would never have.
For years I was the primary breadwinner in our marriage. My jobs were the ones that provided health insurance. Although this was stressful for me at times, I preferred it that way. If my husband bailed on me or failed, at least I would be okay.
The sexual transformation in our marriage led to changes in every other area of our marriage.
One of my biggest leaps of faith came several years after that transformation when I lost my job as a college administrator. By that time, my blog The Forgiven Wife was doing fairly well, and my husband and I decided that I would pursue writing and ministry rather than looking for another job. Realistically, I knew that I would be able to cover my blog expenses with my small blogging income, but I wouldn’t be making more than that. The responsibility for all our living responsibilities fell on my husband’s shoulders.
I. Was. Terrified.
The Motivation to Nag
As much as I had improved in other aspects of our marriage, my nagging not only didn’t go away, it seemed to get worse for a while. I’d risked more, so I had more to fear.
The result was that I noticed more about things that could be done differently.
When my husband experienced job losses, I encouraged him to volunteer so he had people to talk to and a sense of purpose. I encouraged him so much that he said I was nagging him.
When I asked him to help with household and yard chores, he would say he would get to it, disagree with the importance of the task, or recruit the kids to do the work. To me, asking him to do something was not only a request for assistance but also an invitation to strengthen our unity and be on the same team.
When his response was something other than the requested action, I would think, Wow, he doesn’t even value me enough to help himself. It’s like I’m worth nothing to him. Or I’m just a maid who takes care of the house, So I would point out that I’d asked HIM to do it. Again, I was nagging.
When I was no longer able to lift and carry heavy things on my own, I needed to rely on him to do things that I simply couldn’t do. I was already frustrated enough with my own weakness. When I was still waiting for him to do something I’d first asked him to do two years ago, I heard my nagging tone come from my mouth.
Inside the Nagging Mind
I understand some of what goes through my husband’s head and heart when I nag him.
He loses the peacefulness and security of being at home. He feels criticized and judged, like I am telling him he is less than he should be. He feels disrespected. He thinks I’m always complaining about something. He feels like I’m trying to control him and change him.
I get all that, and it’s why I have been working on becoming a completely reformed nag. I don’t want to be a quarrelsome wife who makes home an unpleasant place for her husband.
If your wife nags at you, I want you to know this: chances are that she isn’t trying to criticize, disrespect, or control you.
In her mind, when she says something the first time she is encouraging you to do what is best for you and for the family, requesting your assistance, and/or inviting you to oneness.
When she says those same things again and again though? That’s when it turns into nagging—and it’s when you know there is a problem.
When you don’t respond as she thinks you should (or at all), she begins to fear and question. She begins to lose trust. She wonders if you even heard her the first time.
Her fears of being vulnerable, being left alone, or having her life fall apart make her repeat her encouragement or request to you. And you know what? Every time you give her a non-response or something other than what she requested, she probably becomes even more anxious than she was before.
When you are wondering, Why does she nag me so much? she may be wondering, Why do I have to nag him so much?
Wives generally nag because they still need the thing done, see the struggle you are having, or cannot do the thing alone. And plenty of us resent feeling like we have to nag.
The Nagging/Bedroom Correlation
When a husband doesn’t do what his wife believes to be necessary and she has to make her request again, she may resort to nagging. She nags because her husband has shown her that he can’t be trusted to remember and act on his own.
THAT is what nagging has to do with sex.
Nagging and sexual struggles may both grow out of the same problem.
When a wife asks her husband to carry something or to help her with something, she is relying on him to be there for her. When she has to remind him, she feels like she is being forced to mother him. Most wives don’t want to be put in that position. For some male insight into this, read She Divorced Me Because I Left the Dishes in the Sink, a non-Christian post that has some salty language but doesn’t pull any punches.
Every single time a husband says he will get to something later and then doesn’t, it can affect her willingness to trust him.
We lose trust in you—and lack of trust outside the bedroom translates into lack of trust and openness inside the bedroom.
If your wife nags you, I encourage you to sit with this idea a bit:
Nagging doesn’t cause a wife to struggle with sex, but it does reflect the fact that she doesn’t feel that she can trust her husband.
The next time your wife nags at you, set aside your own reactions for a while. You can go back to them later. Instead, listen to your wife. Ask her what her concerns are that motivated her to request something a second time. Find out if there is a timing factor that you may not be aware of. Show that you have fully listened to her.
If you can see her requests as a need for your strength, an encouragement toward your good, or an invitation to unity, it may be easier to fulfill her requests before she even feels the urge to nag.
It’s nice to come back inside from the corner of the roof, right? And it’s even nicer when you see that as her trust outside the bedroom grows, so might her willingness to be vulnerable inside the bedroom with you.
While I think the article is correct to suggest husbands would likely benefit (perhaps sexually but I’m skeptical) from re-evaluating how they respond to their wife’s requests, I hope women readers recognize their part in the problem. I see the possibility for corrective action in the following quote:
“When you don’t respond as she thinks you should (or at all), she begins to fear and question. She begins to lose trust. She wonders if you even heard her the first time.”
The key is that the response is not “as she thinks” it should be. Her expectations presume she is correct. That may not be true. Perhaps she should recognize her fear and take it to God instead of depending on her imperfect husband to act as she thinks he should?
I appreciate your efforts to change your own thinking but I think the old you slipped out in this quote:
“When she has to remind him, ….”
She isn’t required to do that. She thinks it’s necessary because she thinks it’s important and it hasn’t been done.
Digression:
I suspect the following should finish with “carry heavy things on my own”.
“When I was no longer able to lift and carry heavy things on his own,….”
If I were talking to wives, I would be giving them all sorts of ideas about how to address these issues. However, I’m talking to husbands here, and all we can do is change what we bring to the situation.
I edited out my admission that I’m not a totally reformed nag. I’ve made progress, but I’m not yet at where I need to be. So yeah, my old self came through where you pointed it out. That said, it is incredibly frustrating to be told he’ll get to it in a week or two and then two years later it still isn’t done. One of the things I’ve done is ask my husband how he can help me with these situations and whether he would like a reminder and if so how I can best do that for him. Since my requests sometimes have as much to do with feeling like he and I are part of the same team and not just about getting the task done, it’s easy for me to have an emotional reaction that seems out of proportion. To him it’s just that the box hasn’t been carried. To me it’s about him not wanting to be part of our team. So yeah . . . I definitely have a way to go.
Thanks for picking up the error. I’ll fix that.
Again and again, the underlying gynocentrist position is that SHE is REQUIRED to rail at him until he complies, because he is obviously too stupid/selfish to get it, as if it is an existential necessity, when in most cases, whatever she’s on about matters little if at all, in the overall scheme of things. And secondly, HER misbehavior is HIS problem to fix. If you can blame a man for it, you are absolved of any need for accountability for your own behavior.
Hardly. First, if a man dismisses his wife’s requests as of little matter, then her nagging is probably less of a problem than is his attitude toward her. Nagging isn’t good or useful at all. I wasn’t justifying nagging, just trying to give husbands some insight into how their wives may be viewing it. I’m not saying that their perspective is the correct one, either. Second, nothing in here says that he should be fixing her misbehavior. That is on her to do. When I talk to wives, I tell them what they can be doing—and often that includes standing in the gap created by their husband’s weaker points. Likewise, when I talk to husbands I tell them what they can do to stand in the gap created by their wife’s weaker points. We can only ever change ourselves. Women who nag should absolutely work on not nagging. But if that’s all I said in this post to husbands, then you would be the one thinking that you are absolved of any need for accountability for any of your own behavior that may have contributed to her feeling an urge to nag.
Wow-siding with the wife and blaming the husband-SHOCKING!
🙄
If you’re looking for husbands being blamed, that’s what you’ll find. Of course her nagging isn’t his fault, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t contribute to the problem. And I say the same thing to women who complain about their husbands and blame them for everything. If you aren’t willing to look into the mirror, then there’s really no point in reading a blog that’s intended to help you grow, is there?
You stated, “… whatever she’s on about matters little if at all, in the overall scheme of things.”
I would like to point out that practicality (“matters little if at all”) is not a good bench mark for the health of a marriage. The give and take of learning about the other spouse, learning about oneself and giving of oneself/changing for one’s spouse (Philippians 2:3 – Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others) matter so much more to the building up of the relationship. Women have their own issues that need dealt with in this area, and that is addressed on other blogs. This is for men, men who want to understand their wives better so they can better love them. The only person you can change is yourself.
This right here. 👆🏻
Why is this so difficult? There are a lot of husbands here who are trying to wriggle out of doing things that their wives request. Maybe I’m over simplifying, but just do the thing man!
It can be hard to do something when you want to be sure you aren’t being controlled by the other person. This is a battle I continue to fight in myself. I have to tell myself that the doing requires less energy than the avoiding. ~Chris
You are so right about the doing being easier than the not doing. It’s the same as the energy shirkers in the workplace use to get out of working, when it would be easier to do the work (and a lot more satisfying).