by Chris Taylor
A majority of the questions and comments we receive here at KHS Ministry are along these lines:
I do my share of the household chores. I’m a good provider and a good dad. I make sure my wife has plenty of time to relax. But nothing seems to work! She still won’t have sex with me.
No matter what I do or how long I do it, I still don’t get laid.
I take every bit of advice I see from Christian marriage bloggers, and it doesn’t make any difference at all. What does a husband have to do to get laid?
Sound familiar?
I’ve often said to J, “The best way for these guys to get laid is to stop trying to get laid.”
Let me explain.
“Getting laid” is an expression that emphasizes the physical aspects of sex as well as what the speaker gets out of the experience. In fact, most of the ways husbands talk about sex are like this:
I’m horny.
I need to get some.
I need a release.
This is a short list, because everything else that comes to mind is pretty crass. You can probably finish the list on your own anyway.
What She Hears
Now some wives understand that husbands want to make love because they want an intimate connection, not just because of the orgasm. Although a physical desire may spark sexual interest, sex is about far more than that burst of exquisitely unique pleasure at the end.
When the husband of such a wife expresses a desire for sex, she knows that he seeks far more than what his words might indicate.
But a whole lot of wives really don’t understand this.
So many expressions men use to talk about sex send a negative message to these women:
All he cares about is his orgasm.
Most women need to know they are fully loved and accepted. They want to know their husbands cherish them for their whole selves, not just for what they can provide in bed. Who she is as a whole person matters more than what she can do as a sex partner.
The Worst Way to Get Laid: "Who she is as a whole person matters more than what she can do as a sex partner." @khsministry Click To TweetWhen her husband talks to her about sex in a way that focuses on what he gets rather than on who she is, or in a way that focuses on orgasm rather than the enjoyment of being together, he risks communicating that he values her primarily as a place for his penis to have an orgasm.
And you know what happens when he communicates this message (even though that isn’t fully what he means)?
Her sexual interest plummets.
During the most difficult years in my own marriage, I would sometimes try to take the advice I’d seen about thinking about sex throughout the day and start to feel some of those physical sparks and tingles. I would actually look forward to sex and think, Hey, maybe this will happen without any drama.
And then my husband would speak, using phrases that focused on his physical release. The very words he used to initiate sex turned off what sexual interest I had.
His words backfired. Trying to get laid made him less likely to get laid.
How to Get Laid
If you have a sexually reluctant wife, the best way to get laid is to stop trying to get laid.
Instead, talk with your wife about wanting to feel connected, to hold her, to be held by her, etc. Use words that appeal to her heart and to the things that matter to her.
Am I suggesting you be inauthentic about your sexual desire? No! In fact, I’m encouraging you to be even more fully authentic by focusing on the entirety of sexual connection and not just on you or on your orgasm. Let your wife see that you want an intimate connection with her.
Changing the way you speak about sex isn’t likely to flip a switch and make your wife want to jump into bed with you five minutes later. However, over time it can make a significant difference. It changes the message she hears from “All he cares about is his orgasm” to “He wants to feel close to me.” If she hears you talk about feeling close to her in nonsexual ways too, that will further reinforce the positive message.
If nothing else, changing your words will at least remove one thing that elicits a negative reaction from your wife. Even now, many years after I began to address my own sexual struggles, “I need to feel close to you” draws me toward my husband so much more than “I’m horny.”
God did not create sex just so men could get their rocks off. Rather, He created us as relational and sexual beings so we would draw close to each other in marriage, become one, and experience intimacy in a way that parallels the intimacy we will one day experience with God.
Trying to get laid isn’t likely to get you laid.
So instead, change your goal to that which God wants for both you and your wife—which happens to be what will fulfill your heart as well as your body.
Thank you for this ministry. I have gained so many useful, valuable insights that are being applied daily in my marriage. The biggest shift in understanding my own sexuality is understanding how sex connects life outside the bedroom. It isn’t just women that misunderstand the physical/emotional connection of male sexuality. God used posts on your main blogs, written to women, to help me understand myself the most.
The tips above are similar to your podcast on Choreplay. Does it “work”? No, not like a math formula, but it does change the atmosphere. One thing I’ve noticed is a shift in my wife’s response: confusion instead of distance or barriers. She looks at me like, “What do you mean you miss our connection?” She then recounts all of the outside-the-bedroom stuff we’ve done. It is a good reminder to her that talk-time, Bible study, walks, chores, nonsexual touch, gentle communication, etc. are important. For her, these may even be sufficient, but that I’m wired differently.
When we reframe the goal of our efforts, it becomes easier to think about what works. I’m glad your wife has been responding differently. That is a great step toward deeper intimacy.
So why am the one that has to walk around on eggshells and worry about what I say? I’m not the one that ignores the other person’s needs. I do appreciate your posts, but my wife is fine with no sex. If I don’t bring it up it will never be brought up. It don’t matter what I do around the house or say. I honestly believe she would be fine with never having sex again. I can’t live like that. If I do get an annual treat, it’s really only me participating. It just don’t seem fair, we know what they say about fair.
How do you no for sure that you aren’t ignoring your wife’s needs? Would she agree? My husband used to say pretty much the exact same words as you do here, but I was always shocked that he would think I was ignoring his needs when he wasn’t meeting any of mine. A conversation about her needs (what she needs to feel loved and cherished, not what she needs in order to give you sex) might be a good place to start.
Ok so how do I have this conversation with my wife. I have a combination of feelings about this, I am afraid to get this transparent with her, afraid she won’t say, and sort of worried about the truth. I really don’t know where to start with this. Finally I’ll be the first to tell you I’m no saint and I’m sure she has complaints.
It probably works best as a series of conversations, and something that begins with you helping her feel loved. Perhaps start here: “When have you felt most loved by me?” Listen, and look for opportunities to do more of that. Focus first on loving your wife well.
Ignore her need for communication, nonsexual touching, and closeness. Let her experience it from your perspective. Many times that is how women come to understand the needs of their husband.
Or…
“Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary:
‘If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.’
Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”
One’s wife is not an enemy, so shouldn’t a husband treat her even better than that? See also Ephesians 5:25-28 and 1 Peter 3:7.
~J
When I read this, I think about my friend who is roughly 50 years older than me:
He is a good husband & as a couple, they spend time together, laugh together, discuss (& agree on) politics and serve together with the college ministry at church. They have mutual friends over, they cook together, work in the garden and go on dinner dates. If I didn’t know him better, I’d say they have a great marriage. But I know him better.
He’d like to have any kind of sex with his wife; he’d be happy just seeing her nude. But, he has completely given up on both because it hasn’t happened in the last 20 years (probably more) and isn’t up for discussion.
She is fine with that.
He just hides that part of his life from her & I think virtually everyone else in the world.
You hear those stories more than I do. Does this article not apply to those guys?
Maybe I need an article entitled: “Don’t live in fear that your wife will be content never having sex again.”
Hiding any part of his life from her isn’t necessarily a good idea. Clearly it’s an area where he experiences pain, and I absolutely understand not wanting to expose that vulnerable part to his wife. At the same time, though, it is inauthentic. One of the things that helped me begin to reshape my views on sex was understanding how lonely and unloved my husband felt. It takes a lot of courage to expose your hurting heart, but hiding rarely leads to healing.
I think you may have missed anonymous’ point.
The guy did “talk about it”.
Her answer, for 20 plus years, is/was “She is fine with that.”
And like commenter also said, this couple is FAR from the only ones.
What we all (men AND low drive women too, BTW) want, no NEED, is an answer to is what do we do when ABSOLUTELY NOTHING works. For DECADES.
Done the books. Talked and talked and talked. And then talked to “wise persons”, couples, pastors, God, Jesus, bloggers (male and female; Christian and NOT). Useless “marriage conferences”.
And they won’t even ADMIT there is anything wrong?
My wife has even told me I was a great husband for putting up with her lack of interest. For 36 years now! Well sorry if it ain’t PC, but I am sick of being a “good husband” in a feminist nightmare of a marriage.
I need to “get LAID” before I finally, desperately, do something I don’t WANT to do. And absolutely never thought I would ever be put in a position to even think about when I got married!
When is anything, ever, going to be expected from the other part of this “relationship”?
Are we expected to live as celibates for the rest of our miserable lives even when there are no “biblically (or church) approved” reasons? Illness, pregnancy or any other?
When is the ball ever supposed to get to their side of the net? And how do we get it there? What are we supposed to do when they REFUSE to even get in the game?
For YEARS!
J here. Popping in to address this:
“What we all (men AND low drive women too, BTW) want, no NEED, is an answer to is what do we do when ABSOLUTELY NOTHING works. For DECADES.”
I’ll give you the best and most honest answer I can. You cannot change your spouse. You have influence but not control (if you did have control, you’d be an abusive spouse). Your best bet, therefore, is changing something you’re doing that puts a wrench in the works, so that things cannot continue exactly as they did before. Depending on the situation, that’s listening more to get to the underlying issue; suggesting counseling or going to counseling yourself (and letting your spouse know you’re going to talk about the marriage); showing more affection, understanding, and kindness; setting boundaries; etc. You also have to do these things for a period of time before knowing what the results will be, and you may have to change tack again.
If after all that, nothing works and you feel that you’ve done all that you possibly can and a bit more, then you have to decide what your values are and what you can live with. I personally won’t tell someone whether to stay or leave a decades-long sexless marriage; honestly, I could argue it both ways. I know what I believe: my marriage benefits not just me but my children (and future grandchildren), my community, and my witness; my friendship and partnership with my husband are enough of a reason to be together; and, much as it would hurt my heart, I could find ways to take the sexual edge off and make it without physical intimacy.
I get that this is a no-win situation right now, but looking at the options and with the stories I’ve heard from couples who experienced a reawakening right when things seemed impossible, I continue to encourage every spouse to make every effort to address sexual intimacy problems in marriage. If it doesn’t work, then I suggest going to God in prayer, studying His Word, and thinking deeply about what His plan for your life might be.
Sex is an integral and essential element of marriage. A sexless marriage is an oxymoron.
I would expand that to an intimacy-less marriage. Intimacy is part of marriage.