What Is Emotional Safety? (and What Does It Have to Do with Sex?)

By Chris Taylor

Countless husbands have written to me to say, “My wife says she doesn’t feel emotionally safe with me. What does that even mean? Why doesn’t she feel safe with me? And what does emotional safety have to do with sex anyway?”

Why Emotional Safety Matters to Her

The act of sex is extremely vulnerable for a woman. Her body is literally invaded by a body part she doesn’t understand, attached to a man who can easily overpower her. She must be able to trust him to be gentle, to not cause pain, to withdraw if there is a problem, and to protect the privacy of her sexuality and sexual response. (Note that this is before she can even begin to think about whether she will enjoy the sex she has with him.)

When a husband does not protect her—from himself or from others—sex can feel dangerous and risky. His wife will likely feel violated, used, and endangered. She will feel sexually unsafe.

Here’s the part that often surprises husbands: Emotional safety in the relationship overall creates the context for a wife’s sexual safety.

Her feelings of emotional safety can either be a lush protective cocoon or a warning of impending peril in the bedroom.

Why She Doesn’t Feel Emotionally Safe

Let’s take a look at examples from real Christian wives about some things that make her feel emotionally unsafe:

• She relates a story that includes both facts and feelings. He responds to the facts but says nothing about the feelings that she shared.
• She tries to talk to him about something that happened in their relationship that she is still trying to process and move past. He is tired of hearing about it so tells her she needs to stop bringing it up.
• He tells her to “just get over it” instead of talking to him about it more than once.
• He speaks to someone else about an issue that is sensitive to her or that caused her hurt in the past.
• He proceeds with sex despite her expressed concerns about pain, discomfort, being overheard, etc.
• He berates her in front of the children.
• He tells her that she is wrong to feel how she feels.
• He makes a negative comment about another woman’s body, pointing out something that his wife is concerned about regarding her own body.
• He makes a positive comment about another woman’s body, pointing out something that is quite different from his wife’s body.
• He refuses to use artificial lubrication because “a woman shouldn’t need that,” thereby causing pain and sexual trauma as well as demonstrating that he doesn’t care about what she is actually experiencing.

Does any of this ring a bell? You may be a good man and a well-intentioned husband. You have never intended to hurt your wife—but that doesn’t mean she hasn’t been hurt.

Your good intentions don’t make her feelings unreal or invalid.

An Imperfect Analogy

This analogy isn’t perfect, but it may help you understand the feelings that your wife defines as emotionally unsafe.

Imagine how you would feel if you approached your wife for sex and were told no. Imagine how you would feel to hear that your desired frequency or a specific requested activity means that you’re a pervert. Imagine that your wife doesn’t say no, but she rushes you through sex just to get it over with. Imagine that she disparages your genitals or the sounds you make during sex. Now imagine that this is the kind of response you receive most of the time.

How would you feel? Would you continue to approach your wife with your heart in your hand, telling her how much her sexual acceptance matters to you? Or would you perhaps begin to approach her with words or actions she may not like, simply because it is easier to face a rejection for a reason you can understand than to risk the feeling that it is the deepest part of your heart she is turning away from?

Your wife may not realize that her rejection means to you what it does—but that doesn’t make your feelings unreal or invalid.

What Helps Her Feel Safe

A loving husband will help his wife feel emotionally safe. While the specifics will vary from one woman to the next, these three factors tend to play a major role:

1. His responses to her emotions.
2. His general trustworthiness.
3. His emotional vulnerability and openness to her.

Let’s look at examples of the kinds of things that are more likely to nurture a wife’s feelings of emotional safety:

• When she shares her feelings, he listens rather than offering a solution.
• He doesn’t tell her that her feelings are wrong.
• He stays calm when her emotions are distraught.
• When she brings something up multiple times, he asks what he can do to help her work through the problem.
• He asks what she needs (rather than assumes).
• He follows through with his promises.
• He keeps his eyes only on her.
• He doesn’t talk with others about her private hurt and pain.
• He looks for ways to encourage her when she feels insecure.
• He looks for opportunities to share his feelings about things in his daily life.

Nurture Your Wife’s Emotional Safety

If your wife feels emotionally unsafe, that doesn’t necessarily mean you are doing something wrong or that you are a bad husband. You may just happen to have a wife who is especially aware of her emotions. Although that may be frustrating in some ways, it can also be a great blessing. A wife who is aware of why she struggles with or avoids sex has a head start in addressing those issues.

If she has told you that she feels emotionally unsafe, ask her to help you understand what she means. Invite her to share examples with you—and then thank her for her honesty when she does so. Ask what you can do to help nurture feelings of safety—and then let your wife see that you’re working toward that. Seeing your genuine effort to help her feel safe will go a long way in spinning the protective cocoon she needs.

In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered. 1 Peter 3:7 (NLT)