By Chris Taylor
I recently received an email that is pretty typical of what I hear from hurting husbands:
My wife and I have been married 26 years. What was the pivotal point for you to change your mind about intimacy with your husband? I tried to get my wife to read some of your articles and she got mad once she realized what you were saying. I can only dream of the intimacy we once had.
Although I could have told him that my blog might make his wife mad, I understand the heart behind that question. A husband who aches at the feelings of disconnection, disunity, and rejection yearns for something—anything—to turn things around.
It’s hard to feel so powerless in your own marriage, and it’s hard to feel unloved. And guys, if you feel this way in your marriage, chances are that your wife does too.
When two people both hurt, it’s hard to find a way to move forward. So today I’d like to share a bit about what changed my mindset.
Even if you are already familiar with my story from my blog posts at The Forgiven Wife, I want to really focus on something that I’ve written about there in a more scattered way: what convinced me to change.
My Story
For much of the first 20 years of my marriage, I avoided sex.
My husband (aka, Big Guy) was unhappy. He tried to talk to me about how he felt with the lack of intimacy in our marriage. I thought the only thing he wanted me for was sex. I was as unhappy as he was.
My Issues
It was hard to even acknowledge that I had any issues when it came to sex, much less do anything about them.
My premarital baggage (including premarital sex with the man I married) was an albatross around my neck. (For more insight on this, read J’s Why You Feel Worse Than He Does about the Premarital Sex.) I was convinced that because of my own mistakes, I didn’t deserve to have a happy marriage. Had it occurred to me that working on sex would make my marriage better, I still wouldn’t have done it because I thought I wasn’t meant to have a good marriage.
Another significant factor was depression that was not being treated. It was hard for me to register joy, muster the physical or mental energy to deal with even day-to-day issues, or find any motivation to do anything. In addition to that, I was tired from years of parenting (made more difficult by the depression). I had a job that was very stressful and gave me no down time in which to recover.
My husband complained about our sex life, and I felt so overwhelmed that I simply couldn’t absorb what he was saying. He always seemed to be complaining about sex, and I never had a chance to develop desire for myself.
My husband was always on edge about the lack of sex, and I was always on edge about what I perceived as his constant expectations of me. I felt emotionally neglected in our marriage, never realizing that sex was such a significant source of emotional connection for my husband. I already felt a great deal of stress in my life, and his complaints about sex added to the list of areas where I wasn’t good enough.
In 2010, three things happened that suddenly removed these hurdles from my life.
- My kids were teenagers, and one graduated from high school that year. I didn’t have to be a constant chauffeur, and I realized that I could relax and enjoy my kids as the emerging adults they were.
- As one part of my job came to an end, I realized that I was exhibiting symptoms of chronic stress and that a big part of that stress came from the fact that I’d had two completely different sets of responsibilities with different kinds of schedules. With one piece of the job no longer in my life, I could focus only on the part of my job I was still doing. Work no longer took quite a mental toll on me.
- I found the right treatment for my depression. A past experience with an antidepressant hadn’t been that great, but my doctor helped me find a different one—and the right dosage—that came without the side effects that had been a problem before.
The combination of removing stress and improving my brain function gave me the mental space and energy that I had been lacking for years. In other words, it created a place in which it was easier for me to finally recognize my sexual struggles for what they were.
My Husband
Big Guy’s professional life was a victim of the recession. In 2009 he began a roller coaster ride of unemployment and temporary jobs.
His despondency changed him. His feelings about himself as a provider mingled with his feelings of rejection in his marriage. He resigned himself to loneliness and a lack of intimacy in marriage.
This change shifted the dynamics in our marriage. We would sit in separate rooms, not talking for hours. We hadn’t laughed together in a long time. And he stopped approaching me for sex.
After all the years of him seeming to always want sex, this got my attention.
Importantly, it also did two other things.
A significant source of tension in our marriage was suddenly gone. I no longer felt on edge about whether we would be fighting about sex. Although I was a little scared by my husband’s change in mood, I was able to catch my breath in our relationship. Now that I no longer felt defensive all the time, I began to see my husband as a hurting person who I loved, not as an enemy.
For the first time in our marriage, I had time and space in which to experience sexual desire of my own. I was able to think about sex as something I was missing and not just something my husband always wanted.
Compassion
My life had given me space in which to recognize my own issues with sex. The changes in my husband reminded me that I loved him and that sex was not just something to argue about.
God used these things to soften my heart, and I developed a compassion for Big Guy that I’d never had before.
One morning I sat at a computer, looking for something to help me understand why sex was such a big deal. I landed at the old boards at The Marriage Bed (recently relaunched!) and found myself reading page after page of comments from husbands talking about the emotional hurt they experienced at the lack of sex in their marriages.
I’ve chronicled this experience in A Moment of Hard Truth.
It was the moment that completely changed my mindset.
Your Wife
I know it isn’t fair: if your wife is the one resisting sex, it seems unjust that you should have to shoulder the burden for growth. But you’re the one who is here reading, and you can only change yourself. And if your wife ever lands at The Forgiven Wife or my new Honeycomb & Spice blog, I will be talking to her about what she should be doing.
I wish I could give you a short list of action items that would guarantee that your wife would change her mindset—because I know that her effort can make your marriage so much better for her, not just for you.
Nothing can guarantee change. Your wife’s story is her own and may be quite different from mine—but my story still offers some questions for you to ponder.
- What gets in your wife’s way of seeing sex as a source of connection? Consider what baggage she brought to your marriage, what stresses she carries in her daily life, and her overall physical and mental health.
- Do your responses to sexual problems show her love, or do they add to her burden? I want to be clear here: I am not at all saying that your sexual desire itself is a burden. I’m encouraging you to consider your responses: When you approach your wife for sex and she says no, do you respond in a way that makes her feel inadequate or unloved, or does your response allow her space to see you and your heart? There’s a big difference between “I am so tired at your refusal to do a normal married thing that takes only ten minutes” as you storm away and “I’m disappointed because I want to feel close to you” and a kiss on her cheek. When you’re hurting, it’s harder to act in love—and this is just as true for your wife as it is for you.
- Have you shared with your wife the emotional connection you feel with sex? As obvious as this is to you, believe me when I say that many wives really don’t understand this. Do your best to explain your feelings. If your wife is willing to read something that may help her understand what you are saying, this page on my blog is filled with the voices of husbands who are sharing about their emotional hurt.
Hopefully your answers to these questions can suggest some things you can pay attention to as you try to better understand what is going on with your wife. You can find other suggestions at Climate Change , 11 Tips for Husbands, or Q&A with J: I’m in a Sexless Marriage.
If you’d like to share your responses to these questions in the comments, I’m happy to help you brainstorm some small steps you can take toward helping your wife and, ultimately, your marriage.
