By J Parker
I still vividly remember the conversation with a handful of other wives in which someone posed a question like, “What ever happened to kissing?”
Rarely have I seen the kind of agreement that immediately followed that question on any topic among women. The easy consensus was that kissing had substantially fallen off after the I dos, and we missed it!
Gender Gap
Kissing tends to be more important to women than men.
In fact, one study of 1000+ college students showed a distinct difference in how women versus men view kissing. In particular, women were not interested in sex if it didn’t involve kissing, while men were more okay with that, and there was a difference too in the type of kissing they wanted, with men seeking more open-mouth, tongue kissing.
Researchers’ takeaway: “Males tended to kiss as a means to an end—to gain sexual favors or to reconcile. In contrast, females kiss to establish and monitor the status of their relationship, and to assess and periodically update the level of commitment on the part of a partner.”
These conclusions hold for women I’ve talked to, and frankly in my own marriage. Women want to kiss even when it doesn’t lead to sex, or especially when it doesn’t lead to sex.
But kissing for its sake can actually create a more conducive atmosphere for her getting in the mood at other times. Because it’s not about what the kiss does in the moment, but what it says about the relationship.
Benefits for Her
The benefits of kissing are numerous, including some immune-system boosting, but here are a few that speak specifically to her.
Physical proximity. You have to get close, up in her personal space, and touch in other places. Just that posturing feels intimate to most women.
Eye contact. While men tend to feel connected shoulder-to-shoulder, women feel more connected eye-to-eye. You typically make at least some eye contact before or after kissing.
Smell. Her sense of smell may be better than yours, and smell evokes memory and emotions. In fact, one study showed that women’s stress levels lowered after smelling her partner’s t-shirt. Up close for a kiss, she’s catching a whiff of your manly scent, and it can calm and reassure her.
Love hormone. Oxytocin is an interesting body chemical that helps us feel bonded to others. For men, the greatest surge of oxytocin comes with sexual climax, but for women our greatest surge is through close, sustained physical contact—like kissing.
Aphrodisiac. Two potential actors are phenylethylamine (PEA) and testosterone, both found in your saliva. PEA has been shown to improve attention and mood, while testosterone plays a role in increased sexual interest. When you kiss your wife, you could be transferring a little extra motivation to be sexual with you.
Tips for Kissing
I’m not going to give you a manual for kissing (though I have a lot of great ideas in my book). Rather, I want to convince you gents of three takeaways regarding kissing.
- Kiss more for kissing’s sake. Not to get sex—yes, we sniff that out, guys—but because you like kissing your beloved. It’s sweet, fun, intimate, sexy.
- Linger with your kiss. Hesitate right before you put your mouth on hers. Draw out the beginning of the kiss. Tease with your lips and tongue. Try to memorize her mouth with yours. Make the kiss last.
- Kiss the way your wife likes. Ask what additional particulars your wife enjoys. Some wives love being kissed on their neck or ear lobes, or having their lips sucked a little, or focusing on the soft closed-mouth kiss, etc. Cater to her pleasure.
Kissing is so important to (most) wives that the intimate relationship in Song of Songs begins with the wife saying:
Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth—
Song of Songs 1:1
for your love is more delightful than wine.
Go forth and be more delightful to your wife than wine!
I married an alien. I do all those things. Not wanted or reciprocated. When i ask, she says, “I dont know what I like.”
Some wives don’t know what they like, in which case the answer could be, “Let’s explore!” Also, you can invite her to be entirely in charge of a session, promising (and following through) that you won’t touch or kiss unless/until she tells you where and how. I’ve heard of women concerned about how long it takes for them to figure these things out or the self-consciousness they feel about pursuing pleasure for themselves, and having their husband let them know it’s okay to take time, to do trial and error, and to prioritize their own needs can help them settle in a bit. ~ J
Also, seems reasonable that she wouldn’t feel comfortable being open with you if you’re willing to call her an alien. Everyone is different. She needs you to make a totally safe, protected space for her to explore without judgement or accusation how she feels or what she likes. She may not even feel safe with herself. It’s the husband’s job to make a safe place for her, not to call her an alien if she doesn’t act like other women might.
I must be married to an alien also. My wife is just not into kissing at all. I can not get enough of kissing, touching,
When we were dating, it used to take 20 minutes to say our goodbyes at the end of a date.
Is she not into kissing? Or does she think kissing always leads to sex, and thus she’s reluctant? Or maybe the timing isn’t great? I’m just wondering if there’s more going on here that makes her resistant. ~ J
She is just not into kissing. Even when it is at times that will not lead to sex. I can understand how she used to think that it would lead to sex. I am refering to the type of kiss that lasts a little longer than a quick peck. The kind that says I want to a kiss, but I want to make it last longer than the absolute minimum.
When it comes to sex, she comments that I take too long because I want to kiss and hug and snuggle, and that I take too long
Sometimes women struggle with the vulnerability and openness that can come along with slow kissing. It can feel too intense, especially if she doesn’t feel completely emotionally safe with her husband.
I do not understand: emotionally safe? She lives with me has children with me, shares my finances. I committed to her for life. Man again what else.
Emotionally safe is about how safe you feel to be open, honest, vulnerable, and intimate. This Marriage Minute article from The Gottman Institute describes it well: Emotional Safety is Necessary for Emotional Connection. ~ J
After reading some about this I might be stomping all over this. She probably has too but probably mostly in response to me. So how do I start working through this with her? I don’t know that she would understand an apology about not creating an emotionally safe environment.
My apologies for the long delay in answering this! You have at least two options: (1) the upfront method of apologizing that you haven’t always supported her need for emotional safety and then asking how you can do it better, or (2) the changed behavior method of just doing things differently and demonstrating your trustworthiness. Or course, both is another option that works well. But a lot of wives appreciate just the admission that you realize something has been amiss and you want to work on it. ~ J
As a wife, for many years, kissing didn’t used to be arousing. I wasn’t sure what to do, & it seemed like a tongue invasion. When he backed off the mouth mashing and instead gave gentle just barely touching ? kisses- it started to be interesting & errotic. I still occasionally say, “slow down”, or “no tongue yet”, but kissing the last 5 years is more fun than it was the first 25. Keep trying. There is hope.
Totally know the feeling. When we were dating we couldn’t stop kissing to say goodnight now… it’s not the same.
As we was dating more than 6 years as a Christian from half of sec school to half of college (due some economical and cultural limits in our country) was the kissing something normal, not too much intimate. May be also because we both has some long gap in dating with other partners and return back. However what we find more interesting was as we sad in our language ‘Inuit kissing’ with touching by noses. And kissing on ear bolts, what was very arousing to my wife.