Is Sex a Burden?

J. Parker

When my sex drive was very low (I’m now the higher drive spouse, but it wasn’t always that way), my husband would not have understood that sex felt like a burden to me.

How could an activity that is so pleasurable, brings one to climax, and increases marital intimacy feel like a burden? But even though I enjoyed it, the need to include sex in my life weighed me down.

If that sounds like your wife, let me tell you why that might be and what you could do about it.

Just So Tired

My Low Drive Days coincided with having small children in the home, the care of which exhausted me beyond anything I’d felt before. Pulling an all-nighter as a college student suddenly looked like a breeze compared to the sleep deprivation an infant can wreak on a parent. And usually, that parent is the mom.

I had few, if any, energy reserves left to devote to sex. Even if sex only took a few minutes, those were minutes I could be sleeping. In my fog of fatigue, I’d often prefer a few more minutes of precious slumber over even the exciting experience of an orgasm.

Better for Him Than Me

Let me be clear: My husband is, thankfully, a generous lover. However, during that low period of sexual interest, sex was often better for him than it was for me.

My hormones were out of whack and I was struggling with undiagnosed postpartum depression, and while some sex during that time was amazing, some was meh. And if the effort required to do an activity feels like it’s greater than the reward received…

This is true for a fair number of wives, particularly those who have pain or discomfort during sex or who have yet to experience an orgasm. These women can feel that it’s quite an undertaking for something that isn’t that overpowering.

One More Obligation

Sex in marriage is a privilege—a gift from God! But not every time you decide to make love feels like you’re getting to attend a party. Sometimes, especially for lower drive spouses, you start down that path from a sense of duty.

That doesn’t make it less meaningful, since we often show up somewhere a little reluctantly—work, church, a social gathering—and end up thrilled we went. But if you imagine the sexually interested spouse sending an embossed invitation to have sex, their already overwhelmed mate may look at all their invitations and feel like it’s one more than they can handle.

When I struggled with libido, it was in part because I had two little ones to raise, a household to clean and care for, church obligations we’d signed up for, graduate school, and part-time work. Having my husband say, “Oh, and let’s have sex too!” felt like one more person needing something from me when I felt I had so little left to give.

Sure, I’d have liked to knock everything off my calendar and have a decadent day of lovemaking with my hubby. Except that I was an adult who lived in the real world and knew that wasn’t going to happen. So sex had to be added to the list as one more obligation that required my attention.

These three issues don’t cover the full spectrum of reasons why a wife can feel sex is a burden, but they are ones I experienced and have heard often from other wives. Also know that none of these indicate a wife feels her husband is burdensome or undesirable, but rather the effort of having sex.

So what can a husband do? Here a few ideas:

Discover Her Reasons

Do any of the above issues resonate with her? Does she have other cause to feel that sex is burdensome? Knowing the underlying reason is like having a proper diagnosis from which you can determine effective treatment.

For example, the oft-given recommendation for a husband to woo his wife more by bringing her flowers would not have increased my libido. Lack of romance wasn’t my issue, and a bouquet wouldn’t solve my utter and complete exhaustion. Meanwhile, hiring a teen to babysit one day while I slept or my hubby taking over bedtime with the kids so I could go to bed earlier might have helped me get more sleep and thus feel more eager to have sex when I was awake.

So if you want to improve the problem, find out the underlying cause and then tackle that.

Learn about Women’s Sexuality

My younger son works on cars. He has tried to explain the inner functioning of various under-the-hood parts, but to me it’s a complex system that would require more intentional study than I’ve been willing to put forth. Imagine that your wife’s sexuality is like that—a well-crafted machine with various parts that do surprisingly wonderful things but require understanding and maintenance.

Unfortunately, there is no manual for women’s sexuality. Chris and I are doing our best to explain what we can! But husbands should be willing to seek instruction, do homework, and attend “study group.” By that, I mean:

• Consume information about women’s anatomy, hormones, emotional makeup, cultural challenges, etc. You don’t need to obsess, but seek out good resources, like our KHS Ministry community and our sister podcast’s Understanding Her Sex Drive webinar.
• Test out ideas and recommendations with your wife. If you think romancing her will work, try it for a while and see what impact it has. If she’s struggling to reach orgasm, experiment in the bedroom with various techniques (you can find a lot of ideas here), and see what works. Figure out where you can apply newfound knowledge, and make that your homework goal.
• Communicate directly with your wife about what she wants or needs. She’s your study group partner, and you should be working together. Listen to her ideas and value her input. (If you want a great resource for that, check out my book Pillow Talk!)

Pick Up the Slack

A headline this past week caught my eye: “Nearly Half of Men Say They Do Most of the Home Schooling. 3 Percent of Women Agree.” This New York Times article went on to discuss the research about division of labor in the home; studies consistently show that women bear a larger share of housework and childcare. And before you say that’s not true in your home, recognize that “years of past research using time diaries have consistently shown that men often overestimate the amount they do, and that women do more.” Sorry, guys. I think men are awesome, but the reality is that wives tend to do more, even if it’s because they put that burden on themselves.

That was certainly true in my own case. My feeling so overwhelmed was partly due to unrealistic expectations I placed on myself. But also, my husband didn’t do all he could have to unburden me. If we could do it over…

While Chris and I encourage wives to say no to more things so that they will have the energy and desire to engage in sex, husbands can help by assuming more tasks at home. Ask where and how you can help, or simply step in and lend a hand. When my husband said, “I got this,” and took over, my load felt lighter since the weight was now shared.

Pray with Her

One last idea is simply this: Ask if you can pray for and with your wife.

I don’t know what you should pray for, but praying with my husband has always made me feel seen, cared for, and cherished. It has provided an opportunity for me to share my heart and invite God into our struggles. It has opened my eyes to what matters to my husband as he shares his concerns and desires with our Almighty Father. It makes me feel that we’re in this together.

That level of spiritual intimacy can leak over into a desire for physical intimacy. And even if it doesn’t immediately, it places your marriage in God’s hands.

Is sex a burden?

No, of course it’s not. But it can feel that way when obstacles appear and are not easily resolved. If you can tackle those issues together, the burden will lighten and sexual intimacy may indeed follow.