Chris Taylor
Hold onto your hats, guys. I’m about to lay a shocking truth bomb on you.
Ready?
Here goes.
Your wife’s orgasm does not mean she enjoyed sex.
Negative Orgasms
A woman’s orgasm is a wondrous thing, and generally women enjoy them. However, there are times women may not enjoy them at all:
- When they have been coerced to have sex. I’m not just talking about rape here. When a husband pushes his wife to have sex when she is too tired or when the kids are in the same tent with them, it can feel coerced.
- When they are pressured to have an orgasm.
- When orgasm is likely to be followed by pain (such as when a woman has a health condition that makes sex or orgasm painful).
In these kinds of situations, a woman will still experience her orgasm as a physical release, but it will not be pleasurable. These “negative orgasms” can lead to negative feelings about sex.
I’ve experienced this myself. When I had fibroids tumors in my uterus, even something as tame as arousal caused me to experience several days of pain. I would try to not have an orgasm. When it would happen, my words were less “wow, that’s amazing” and more “aw, man, I hate when that happens.” I came to dread sex because I knew it would cause me pain. I felt betrayed by my body. Believe me when I say that this is not a feeling that makes for a positive sexual experience.
Negative orgasms can make women avoid sex in order to avoid the negative feelings.
Is a Good Orgasm Good Enough?
Fortunately, most women’s orgasms are not negative. They feel like a pleasurable release of sexual tension.
While that’s good, even that doesn’t mean that she enjoyed sex. If she has a pleasurable orgasm, she still might say that sex was just okay.
Some husbands may find themselves thinking, I make sure I give her great orgasms. Why doesn’t she want to have sex more often?
Here’s another truth bomb for you:
Orgasm alone doesn’t make most women want to have sex.
Research on female sexuality bears this out: The prospect of physical pleasure is not what moves a woman to become sexual with her husband.
What Women Really Want
You know what does help her enjoy and look forward to sex?
Intimacy.
When a wife feels seen and cherished, she begins to feel emotionally close to her husband.
Here are some things that can help, with the caveat that these things may not be helpful for all wives—so ask your wife what she appreciates:
- He takes time to help her make the transition into sex.
- He touches nonsexual parts of her body and shows that he cares about all of her, not just her sexual parts that he enjoys.
- He pays attention to her sexual response and adjust his actions accordingly.
- He touches and kisses her in ways that she enjoys.
- He slows down or speeds up as she requests.
Generally speaking, an enjoyable sexual experience includes not just an orgasm, but also intimate cuddling, touching, and kissing.
Chances are that if a woman has a strong orgasm but doesn’t experience much intimacy, she isn’t going to enjoy that sexual encounter. Many wives would even say that they would prefer an intimate encounter without an orgasm to a strong orgasm without intimacy.
In other words, the context of the orgasm is what makes sex enjoyable, not the orgasm itself.
The strongest motivations are the prospect of emotional closeness and the expectation of increased intimacy.
Make Sex Great
If you want to make sex great for your wife, pay attention to both the orgasm and the context.
A pleasurable orgasm with a husband who has made the effort to help her feel both physical pleasure and emotional closeness? Now, that’s what it’s all about.
Image credit | canva.com
Great post Chris. I agree. It took me a while to learn that my wife is okay with sex without an orgasm. I now ask her if she would like to have release if she desires. About half the time, she says yes. Other times, she says “I’m good, I’m glad to have this time with you.” Reading your blog and J’s, along with your books, has helped me understand that the goal is not physical release and orgasm, but the goal is intimacy on all levels (physical, emotional and spiritual). Keep up the good work and producing great content.
Thanks for your comment. It’s so great that you ask your wife what she wants and then honor that.
Thanks for the insight. But is it possible a wife might “need” an orgasm and not be aware? This was diagnosed as hysteria in the past.
I suppose it depends on what you mean by “need.” Even if she needs one, that need should be weighed against the impact of pressuring her to have one or continuing stimulation after she says she wants to stop. If she feels she had an orgasm against her will, she still will not have enjoyed sex–and she may find it difficult to trust her husband.
As for hysteria, I trust that diagnosis about as much as I trust the accusation of frigid. Historically we have discussed female sexuality by using a male paradigm, as though she is supposed to work like him or she is considered sexually repressed or immature.
Lol. Helpful insight.
Unfortunately, the sexual aspect of my marriage has deteriorated with 17 years of negative sexual experiences for my wife. During childbirth of our firstborn, she was torn. We never had it treated for all those years (eventually a surgery did make things better again), but by then, our relationship — on the spiritual, emotional and, of course, our physical level — had all but vanished. Now we are doing our best to build our marriage from the ground up as we are both doing an in-house separation and haven’t had sex in 14 months. It is very difficult for me as I am still a man with a very strong sexual drive, but my wife said that having sex would cause her to be bitter and most likely lead to our marriage ending. I am doing my very best to respect her request, but, as we near our 26th anniversary, I am trying hard to focus my affection toward her and be patient to reconnect and work on the various problems and pain we have caused each other to this point of our relationship.
Is sexual intimacy a someday goal for her? Because yes, intimacy needs to return slowly, but hopefully there is a commitment to eventually nurture and thrive in that area of your marriage. If you’re going through counseling, that’s a reasonable topic to bring up at some point. Praying for you!