We’re launching our blog with a straightforward list of 12 truths we hear over and over again from wives. These are viewpoints women more often express when you’re not around, and because we’re women, we get it. And we’ll do our best to explain it to you—here and in future posts.
All twelve will not apply to all wives! We’ve heard these so often, we feel confident saying they are generally true for women. But as we’ll often do on this blog, we encourage you to check what we say with your own wife.
1. She likes sex too.
But perhaps different aspects than her husband.
We tend to view men as enjoying the physical pleasure they get and give, as well as the emotional connection. But for many wives, physical pleasure takes a backseat to the attention, affection, and intimacy sex can bring.
2. She doesn’t know how to tell him what she likes or wants.
She may not even know what she likes or wants.
Your private parts have been out there in full view and easy to touch for all of your lives, while hers are tucked in and under and hard to reach. She simply hasn’t had as much experience knowing what feels good down there.
Even if/when she figures it out, it can be hard to speak up for what she wants, because that feels to many women like a brazen thing to do. Yes, even after you’re married.
3. Her husband’s affirmation of her beauty is very important.
Yet it may not be enough to conquer the lifelong messages about appearance that she’s absorbed.
She knows all the ways her body and appearance don’t measure up, and that can make it hard to believe a husband who tells her that she is beautiful. Tell her anyway, even if she disagrees.
A husband’s words—especially when spoken during ordinary moments throughout the day—can soften the impact of those continuing messages about appearance. His words can give her moments when she can feel as beautiful as her husband knows she is.
4. Her sexual desire, or lack of desire, is connected to other things in her life.
Her interest in sex is both physical and mental. Both her body and mind can enhance or diminish her sexual interest.
Physically, she needs plenty of sleep, healthy food, exercise, and time to replenish her energy. When she is too busy to tend to her health or when she is stressed by how much she is doing, sex may be more difficult for her.
Even when she is physically ready, if she has many mental browser tabs open, she may struggle to focus on sex. Work or volunteer projects, ongoing household and family responsibilities, and undone tasks can interfere with her ability to focus on sex.
5. She wants to feel like more than a sex partner.
She wants to feel that her husband sees and loves all of who she is.
Women want to know that their husbands love them all the time, and not just when it is time for sex. When she feels like she gets your attention only when you are approaching her for sex, she’s likely to feel like little more than a sex object.
It is worth the effort to do things that help your wife feel loved and cherished or that show you notice the things that matter to her. Specific compliments about her non-sexual parts that you find appealing and about her character can go a long way in helping her feel seen and valued for her whole self.
6. She wants and enjoys regular orgasms.
BUT feeling pressured to have one will make sex feel worse.
Orgasm doesn’t always come easily for women. On average, women require about 20 minutes of stimulation to reach climax. She appreciates knowing that she is worth the time it takes to get her there. When sex happens quickly most of the time, it may be over just as she is starting to get warmed up.
At times, she may not feel like having an orgasm, or she may be able to tell that her body is simply not cooperating. She knows that you enjoy seeing her orgasm, but if she feels like she must have one because you want her to, or if she feels like she must get there faster, she’ll tense up, which makes orgasm even more difficult.
7. You having seen or watching porn now makes her feel less-than.
Whether it was last night or ten years ago, the idea that her hero-husband would willingly seek out and lust after unclothed women makes most wives feel insecure, betrayed, or both. They worry that those women or activities are what their man really wants or that he can easily call those images to mind and make comparisons that don’t land in her favor. Or some part of them worries their husband is actually one of “those guys”—guys who misuse women for their own pleasure.
Although porn is increasingly a problem for women too, its main target is men. And its use can have a greater impact and require more relationship rebuilding than many anticipate.
8. Something that happened a long time ago can still impact how she feels about sex many years later.
Sexual abuse, a bad first experience, even premarital sex with you—such events and others can leave a lasting impression or stay buried until something triggers a resurgence. For instance, a woman molested as a child at age 10 may act fine … until her daughter turns 10, and suddenly sex is a huge problem in her marriage.
Generally speaking, men tend to compartmentalize more, while women’s experiences crisscross in all kinds of ways, affecting them mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Even something that happened a while ago may have a lasting effect and needs to be confronted and worked through for her to be able to move on.
9. Your treatment of her and your family away from the bedroom affects her openness to sexuality.
A woman’s sexual interest is affected by her relationship with her husband. If she feels loved and cherished, it is easier for her to want to have sex. On the other hand, if she is frequently berated by her husband, she will likely struggle to want to be close to him.
How you treat your family matters too—especially when it comes to your children. Many women say that seeing their husbands be tender with their children is a huge turn-on.
10. Women’s sexuality doesn’t look like men’s.
And she may not realize this is normal.
The messages we receive from the world tell us that sex works like this: Desire precedes arousal; thinking about sex is what gets your body going. Orgasm is typically easy and fast. During sexual activity, you are entirely focused on sex.
For men, this is largely true. For women, on the other hand, it is not.
Because of the messages she’s received, she may think there’s something wrong with her if she doesn’t want sex until after she has already begun to experience arousal, if orgasm is difficult or takes time, or if she is easily distracted.
11. When she tries to initiate, she means it.
Women tend to be less overt when initiating, so you may not realize that’s what your wife is doing. Yes, we know it’s not always easy to decipher a woman’s signals, but if she comes on to you, take it for what it is.
You may be concerned that she’s toying with you, being coy, or simply flirting. But if she flirts sexually, she likely wants sex. If you’re not sure, ask her directly. Tenderly, but directly. And if she comes out and says she want sex … she wants sex. Go for it!
And make it pleasurable enough that she’ll want to initiate again.
12. She really, truly, totally—please-hear-her-on-this-one—wants foreplay.
Whether she’s the lower or higher drive spouse in your marriage, your wife likely takes longer to go from interested to excited to sated. Even though it can be difficult for you—at least until you’ve adapted to the pace—slow down.
Spend time wooing her, kissing and caressing her, and engaging in foreplay. Your wife is far more likely to enjoy sex, and reach orgasm, if you invest in these areas.
Many wives would even say foreplay is their main course, while intercourse is a delightful dessert.
Good stuff. I am excited to see where this resource takes us.
Thanks for this.
Some thing that I have found is that cuddling and helping my wife unwind from the day’s events by letting her vent and acting as a sounding board , particularly if they have been stressful or upsetting, is needed before she can play. It seems to be the first part of foreplay.
Each one of the twelve points above is loaded.
Unfortunately, an average man has decided to hold on tightly to his erroneous belief about feminine sexuality. In the meantime, science is yet to chat an easy way out.
What every husband needs… is to take a second look at the age old sexual action subtly passed down by our great grandfathers. An average man has the capability to tackle this hydra-headed issue in a couple of steps… if he knows what to do, and how!
Well, what to learn is not too deep for every man to understand. Somehow, it’s more or less what’s not unknown. However – across the ages of our fore fathers and so far – the knowledge remains hidden.
Nice to see you are picking up one of the biggest problems between man and woman. Great advice btw.
Thank you!
I REALLY appreciate what you ladies are doing! Thank you so much.
I have myself in a little deeper problem, I think. I have been praying and reading a lot. Also, listening to podcasts.
I find that my wife is tired by 9 pm and even if we get to bed by 930, she is not even interested in talking about the day because she needs to be careful not to get worked up or she can’t sleep. She also rises early in the morning and sneaks out of bed to go pray and read the bible. This is obviously a very healthy and good habit, but she doesn’t like daytime sex, so I’m not sure what to do. We haven’t had sex in over a month and then it is just duty sex.
I really believe that I can woo her back, with God’s grace and help, so I’m working on changing anything that I can think of.
I’m really struggling and would love prayer if you ladies have the time to pray for your blog guys.
Blessings to you!
Good luck, Bra! I doubt it’s that simple, though. Somewhere along the line, she has made a conscious choice to cut you off, and nothing you can think of doing for her will change that. You will rack your brains, buy flowers, wash dishes, vainly HOPING it will make a difference, but it won’t. Sorry.
She has become convinced that SHE is solely in control of your sex life, and that it is her job to control your “toxic male” impulses, and meter out your meager “rewards,” like a dog doing tricks. That’s what you are now, her pet! Her dog.
Learn to hold your breath. It may be a looooong time before she buys a vowel! This is your new reality.
You can thank the Spirity of Feminism when you see her.
Sigh…I wish wife/woman bashing was frowned upon on these Christian blogs as much as husband/man bashing was. A comment from a wife with as much vitriol as this one would be met with a stern response from the authors. I’ve seen this disparity so many times over the years on Christian blogs. Comments on blogs aimed at women (I know this is a blog for husbands) are falling off the radar and this is why!
Since this comment was posted, we have done a better job at dealing with wife bashing in the comments, sometimes by editing the comment and sometimes by responding to the commenter with an email. Sometimes it’s a tough call. We want husbands to be able to express their frustration, but we also want them to be respectful of women. We let this one stand because we were relieved it wasn’t bashing his specific wife. If this comment were attempted now, we wouldn’t let it through. In fact, we’ll probably remove this in a few days so you can have a chance to read this reply before it is erased along with the comment. Thank you for your feedback. I had forgotten this comment was here. 🙁 Chris
Based on this and some other articles I have realized I married an Alien. Only 2 things sorta matched our situation but not really. I”ll keep reading but I think we’re doomed.
Great insights, and I think accurate, for the most part, but I’m just a clueless man, so what do I know, right? I think most guys reading this are thinking, “women are just too damn complicated. Nothing is worth all this aggravation. Not even sex.” That’s why so many of us have given up. From our POV, it boils down to ONE THING, and one thing only. Women are selfish! Sorry, but that’s how we see it. We sacrifice our lives, our health, our wallets, and our souls for women that are only concerned with their own little worlds, and task lists, and MANY of us are at a breaking point. Hence, the growing MGTOW and anti-chivalry movements. I wish it wasn’t so. Everyone is miserable this way, and no one wins. Why is that so hard for women to see?
The mystery of a woman’s mind is deep, and I realize us men will never fully understand it. Try as we might. I think many/most of what you say here is helpful and worth considering. But I have some misgivings about some of the “this is the way it is” statements you make. I affirm and support the work you do through this blog, and find it helpful, mostly, in dealing with my own struggles in my marriage. So hear my heart and know this isn’t meant as harsh criticism.
I think that some of your statements about how a woman can struggle to focus, how things from years ago can entangle in the moment and affect the sex union, etc. all come across as potential excuses and cop outs. I’d like to see more challenges to women to work through these issues and stop using them as excuses for not being able to engage with their husbands during sex, or being unable to focus on someone other than themselves. Love making in marriage should be a giving act, a coming together and enjoying the other part of our one-flesh. But too often, I think women are given an out just by the simple explanations that they are so different, and cannot dive into the moment with their beloved husband. Men are constantly challenged to court, romance, and woo their wives, in never ending guilt trips because it’s never enough. The wife still has to take responsibility for her part, to give herself fully, unreservedly to their husband.
It’s hard to express my frustration in so few words. I do appreciate the attempts you make to help women come more into their union with their husband. I just wish there were less cop out statements in between all the rest. Guys don’t get any quarter. They constantly have to “do it all right” or there’s another excuse why the wife can’t engage. Well, sadly, us guys are fallen, sinful creatures too, and we cannot always do it right. So give the husbands more grace, and hold the wives more accountable to what they should be. Maybe that’s the balance I’m not seeing.
Thank you for taking time to write such a thoughtful comment.
We are writing to men here, with the purpose of helping you understand your wives better. What you see as cop-out statements and excuses are explanations of how a wife might be viewing the situation. Yes, we challenge you here to woo and to understand—because we know how important that can be to wives. Our intention is never to give a guilt trip, but I’m sure it seems that way at times.
You might be interested to know that when I write to women on my own blog, I hear pretty much the same things: I’m giving men a pass and an out. I’m not challenging men to do their part. I’m putting it all on women’s shoulders and making wives feel guilty for not being more interested in sex.
In our marriages, we can work only on ourselves to grow, to better understand our spouses, and to love them more fully in the way they need. When I’m writing to wives, you better believe I’m encouraging them to step outside their comfort zones and have more care for how their husbands view things. And you know what? I take a lot of flak for that, too.
You may not be seeing a balance because you see through a filter of whatever isn’t working for you in your marriage. Nonetheless, there is balance. I figure if I’m getting the same criticisms when I write to both men and women, I’m probably heading the right direction.
~Chris
Miss Chris,
Post this. Don’t. Paraphrase. Whatever. I am pretty much beyond caring at this point in my 3 decades plus of “wedded bliss”. Tried it all. None of it has worked.
Bottom line, wife is perfectly happy with status quo with “church’s” full blessing.
Therfore, “it” is all MY problem.
I think the reaction (s) you are seeing here is because Christian “church” (writ large) has capitulated to the feminist tripe for YEARS.
Myself, I swear the “like Christ loved the church” diatribe is on at LEAST a monthly rotation. On the other hand, I have NEVER heard the words “DO NOT DENY” (or refuse, or gatekeep, or manipulate with sex) ever. Nor any other sermon requiring ANYTHING from women for over 30 years of marriage. Proverbs 31? No chance. Titus 2 teaching, not in our church. The TWO proverbs about quarrelsome wives and living on the roof outside like an animal. Not on any preacher’s life or that being his LAST sermon ever.
Men are constantly told, in public, we are supposed to be Jesus himself. If we are, then magical things will just happen. And trying doesn’t count. It is basically Jesus or you deserve whatever, or what little, you get. All lies from hell. And all the females out in the pews, from the pig-tailed tomboys to the old blue-haired biddies, smugly twittering in agreement. What happened to ALL have sinned? Hello? Anyone remember Eve? Garden of Eden wasn’t good enough for her, but I am sure HGTV could have fixed it right up! Bible doesn’t come out and say it but I bet it was pretty much “Eat this forbidden fruit or you can forget about getting any of this!” HA!
Still trying to figure out how this situation was (is) God’s perfect creation, BTW. GOT to be proof that God has a twisted sense of humor. Here is to hoping so, anyway.
And Satan laughs! Again.
I don’t think I’ve ever heard a sermon about this either (at least not live—I’ve listened to a few online). So maybe it isn’t said from the pulpit much, where husbands can hear. That doesn’t mean the messages don’t come across to wives publicly in other ways. YOU don’t hear those messages, but that doesn’t mean your wife does. The fact that she doesn’t respond to those messages by changing her ways doesn’t mean she isn’t hearing the messages.
What makes you think you have any ideas what any females are thinking, much less all of them? This statement is completely untrue. While there probably are a few women who think this (just as there are a few men who feel the same way when they hear a message that supports their views), I have never in my life heard any female express this view of smugness about hearing what the men have to do while they do nothing.
I’m curious about what you mean by “worked.” I wrote a post once about this. We often refer to something working or not based on whether it gives us what we want. But sometimes our goal is off. Or the technique we’re using is manipulative rather than loving.
You sound miserable, and I’m sorry your marriage is a source of hurt rather than comfort.
~Chris
Chris, I can’t really say tried it all, and I really don’t have as much anger as long suffering does, I can really relate. I feel lured into this marriage with sex and the promise of a satisfying sexual relationship, but as soon as I said I do, there was no sex or if there is it’s few and far between. Currently a couple of months, before that over a year in between. Every excuse has been given from it’s not fun for me to its my birth control. Honestly I would get a divorce but we have kids. I feel doomed. I don’t think it’s fair to say we are manipulative by trying to do things to have sex with our wives. I do know your posts are eye e opening. It would have been nice to have seen how hard getting sex was gonna be.
I keep thinking how great it would be if we could find a phrase other than “get sex.” That makes it sound like a transaction: you give me this, and I’ll give you sex. Sadly, that’s exactly what it is in many marriages. Women can struggle with sex for a variety of reasons, but when they sense that their husband cares for her only when he is trying to “get sex,” she feels like she (as a whole person) is left out of the equation and all that matters is what’s between her legs. You say your wife offers excuses. It might be worth digging into those a bit. What if the things she says really are true and a problem for her? Or what if she herself doesn’t understand why she doesn’t want to have sex?
It seems that a lot of folks are sold an incomplete vision of what marriage will be like and how sex will fit in.