Why Won’t Your Wife Wear Lingerie?

Understanding why your wife doesn't want to wear lingerie is an important step toward helping her move forward.

How beautiful you are and how pleasing, my love, with your delights! Song of Songs 7:6

Although many women enjoy wearing lingerie, plenty of women prefer to avoid it. If your wife is in that second group, you may be puzzled. She looks so sexy in lingerie—like a gift waiting for you to unwrap her! Why wouldn’t she want to wear lingerie?

Or perhaps your wife is a woman who wears lingerie—but not the kinds of lingerie that you would enjoy seeing on her. You enjoy seeing as much of her as possible.

Why Won’t She?

Women who want to stay away from lingerie do so for various reasons. Let’s take a look at the most common comments I hear from wives. Consider whether any of this might apply to your wife.

Body image

She may not like how her body looks. Lingerie—especially something that exposes a great deal of her body—emphasizes many of the parts your wife may not like on herself.

You think she’s beautiful, but if she doesn’t feel beautiful herself, lingerie may make her feel unappealing.

Discomfort

She may find lingerie uncomfortable physically or even spiritually.

Lingerie is often itchy or irritating. Lace is particularly known for that. The irritation may be enough that it distracts her from the sexual sensations she may otherwise enjoy.

Your wife may also be uncomfortable wearing something that is so explicitly sexual. She may be thinking “good Christian women don’t dress slutty” or “what would my devout Christian grandmother think if she knew I was wearing this?” Especially in the church, girls are often taught that their sexuality is not something to enjoy. It’s hard to flip the switch from “good girls don’t” to “good wives can and do.”

Finances

I’ve heard countless women ask, “What’s the point of spending money on something you wear for only five minutes?” Lingerie can seem like a frivolous expense. Some women think there’s no reason to spend money for something that isn’t necessary or is used only for sex.

What Can You Do?

Even if your wife is lingerie-resistant, you may be able to work on that together.

Which of the following might work best for you and your wife?

Shop together at Honoring Intimates (affiliate link). Ask her to choose something that would help her feel as pretty as you already know she is. She may choose something that reveals little, but if it is outside her usual nightwear and she feels pretty, that’s good progress!
A month or two later, shop together again at Honoring Intimates (affiliate link). This time, you both choose something for her to wear. For your choice, select something that provides coverage of body areas where your wife is self-conscious. Shop every few months like this, and she eventually may become comfortable with something racier.
When she wears lingerie, emphasize that she looks pretty and beautiful, not only that she looks hot and sexy.
Let the lingerie become part of your lovemaking. Your wife could keep it on the entire time. Caresses through fabric add an extra sensation and can be erotic. Or you could slowly remove it from her body, being sure to kiss or touch as you slide it off her.
Ask her to wear one of your old shirts, buttoned only partway up. Technically it isn’t lingerie, but it has its own erotic appeal.
Go to a thrift store together and buy various things that can be repurposed into something else she could wear for sexy time. For instance, she could buy a skirt and then cut off the bottom to be a mini-skirt. She could get a man’s dress shirt, remove the sleeves, and tie it under her bosom like a halter top. She can cut a deeper neckline into a dress she finds.

Your willingness to meet your wife where she is and work with her towards a lingerie goal can say a lot to her about how much you love her—and that may be the real key to helping her make progress in this area.