Sex: To Do or Not to Do?

by J. Parker

Chris and I periodically joke that the goal of our ministry here is to help husbands get laid. Husbands who want to have more sex—or more adventurous or pleasurable sex—with their wives seem to be our primary audience. So, you may think the answer to “Sex: to do or not to do?” is a resounding “DO!!!”

But I’m back in counseling, due to some depression and recent stressful events in my life, and in my last session, the therapist asked an interesting question: “You’ve talked about having some turnarounds in your life. How did that happen? What did you do to make those changes?

I had to pause and mull for a bit, but then it hit me: When things got better, I wasn’t doing. Rather, I stopped focusing on what I was doing or not doing and set my mind and heart on who I wanted to be.

Doing comes from being.

Once you set a vision of the kind of person you want to be and the kind of relationships you want to have, it’s much easier to see what doing should happen to get you there.

In my own life, my marriage used to be really bad—conflict-ridden at times, distant at others, and fragile enough to feel that we might not make it. What helped turn things around for us was when I stopped striving to do everything I could to fix us and concentrated on being loving toward my husband. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 was such a guide for me that I would rehearse it in my head before interacting in my marriage:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

I rarely recited to the end of the passage, because words like patient, kind, and not self-seeking covered a lot of ground. But while we could make a list of actions that display patience or kindness, those are really ways of being. They are attitudes, mindsets, heart-shifts that help us see our spouse and our marriage in a different way … and then choose what to do from there.

Who do you want to be?

Which brings me to this important question: Who do you want to be? As a husband, who do you want to be? As a lover, who do you want to be? As a couple, who do you want to be?

All too often, we can focus on the doing part of sexual intimacy (or other aspects of our marriage) and lose sight of who we want to be. We think about wanting to have sex more often, to try new positions or activities, to bring our spouse to climax more quickly, thoroughly, or repeatedly, or to get our spouse to initiate more.

When you think deeply, however, about who you want to be, several important insights come to light. Some examples:

• Pressuring your wife might result in her doing sex more often but leads to sex being less satisfying and desirable. And it means you’re being self-seeking. (See scripture above.)
• Creating a safe space for your wife to work on her issues and/or figure out her sexuality may mean more time before you’re doing sex and/or reaching climax, but it builds a foundation of being patient and kind.
• Doing things for your wife with the ulterior motive of having sex doesn’t have the same flavor and impact as being there for your wife. That is, you could do the same thing—a household chore, buying flowers, or caring for the children—and it can be felt very differently depending on whether you’re just doing the honey-do item or being a supportive, loving husband.

Great sex is being.

When I hear from husbands missing out on the sex they desire, their disappointment is really about the marriage not being what they want it to be. Husbands often share that it’s not about the sexual release or the pleasure of being with a woman. Rather, they have an intense desire to be one with their wife—physically.

As Genesis 2:24 puts it:

That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.

That word become is simply a compound of be and come, and the original Hebrew word (hayah) is typically translated as be, happen, take place, come to pass. It isn’t “they do one flesh.” No, this is a state of being.

The way to a wife’s heart.

Maybe that’s something your wife might also want to hear—that it’s not about the doing for you, but rather the being. That you long not simply to do more sex but to be one flesh, to be naked and unashamed (Genesis 2:25), for her to be a seal upon your heart (Song of Songs 8:6), for you to be the one whom she loves (Song of Songs 3:4).

Much of what Chris and I say seems to come back to that: the way to a wife’s heart isn’t doing as much as being. That is, a wife wants her husband to be a man who is safe, cherishes her, respects her, loves her.

Of course, husbands want those things too. But as I said before, this ministry is about trying to get you laid. We talk to the ladies elsewhere. ~wink~

But even beyond who he is in relationship to her, a wife’s husband is a beloved son of the Heavenly Father. And when he leans into being a devoted child of God, he becomes someone she can trust, admire, and desire.

Who does God want you to be?

Who we want to be should come from what who God wants us to be. What does God long for our marriage to be? For our sex life to be? For us to be in our marriage and bedroom?

Maybe this is a good week to crack open our Bibles and ask God to show us what that would look like. Then, and only then, can we have a better sense of what we should do.