Chris Taylor
In a recent episode of the Sex Chat for Christian Wives podcast, I related a story.
My husband and I were watching a sitcom episode from several years ago in which two men were talking about sex. One man said that women don’t like men to do the same thing every time in bed. The other man said something along the lines of “I find one thing that works, I get good at it, and I just do that every time!”
I get it. Women’s sexual interest and sexual response can seem finicky. At times it may seem impossible to figure out how to help her enjoy sex. (Our webinar Increasing Your Wife’s Sexual Pleasure can help.) You want her to have an orgasm, and it’s a relief to find something that seems to work most of the time.
Frankly, I often feel the same way about my sexuality. Orgasm hasn’t always been easy for me, and it’s a huge relief to know a few things that can almost always get me there.
Boring Sex Is Still Good Sex, Right?
When sex becomes so routine that we know exactly how it will proceed, we lose some of that sexual excitement and tension. Our minds are no longer engaged in trying to anticipate what comes next.
It’s good to have a go-to for when things don’t seem to be working too smoothly. It gives you a backup plan—but when the backup plan becomes the only plan, a wife can get a little bored.
A bored wife has time to think.
- He’s on autopilot. Is he even paying attention to me?
- He’s only doing the things to get me to have an orgasm. Yay for orgasms, but that’s not all I want here.
- Is he bored?
- He’s just going through the motions so we can get my orgasm over with and focus on his.
- Is there something wrong with me because I’m bored by something that used to thrill me? Or is there a problem with our relationship?
As you can guess, some of these thoughts may get in the way of her ability to trust you and to feel loved and cherished by you.
They also get in the way of deeper intimacy—and that makes sex not so good for her.
Ch-ch-ch-change
When you avoid the pattern of following the same old routine every time, your wife won’t have as much time to think—and when she does, her thoughts are likely to be much more positive.
Even the smallest changes can enhance your wife’s arousal. Instead of waiting for the predictable next thing, she will be paying attention to what’s next. Her anticipation will build excitement and arousal.
When you adjust what you do, or how or when or where, you help your wife stay focused on your touch and on your sexual connection.
You demonstrate several important things that enhance intimacy:
- You are paying attention to how she is responding at that moment.
- She is worth your effort to explore and learn her body more deeply.
- Sex is for her and not just for you.
A Few Good Ideas
When I began to blog about sexual intimacy, I told another woman about my work. Her response was, “Oh, good, I’ll have my husband read your blog. He needs new ideas.”
So here you go!
- Make small changes in the pacing or rhythm of your touch. (See Rhythm Can Rock Her World.)
- Change the order in which you do things.
- Dance together.
- Switch which side of the bed she is on.
- Keep your usual routine but choose a different room or time of day than usual.
- Touch more slowly, or more lightly.
- Be open to hearing her comments about what she would like in bed.
For even more ideas of how to change things up in your sex life, check out my post 75 Ideas for Spicing Up Your Sex Life and/or J’s post 12 Ways to Make Good Sex Even Better.
One important caveat: When she is approaching orgasm, don’t change anything. Just keep doing what you’re doing until she goes over the edge.
If your overall relationship needs improvement, bedroom changes won’t make up for changes that should be made outside the bedroom. Women’s sexual interest is impacted by the overall relationship, after all. But if sex has become routine and a little boring, even small changes can make a big difference.
