Chris Taylor
Today’s post is heavy-hearted. It isn’t light or fluffy or quick or full of awesome tips. Instead, it’s about women’s sexual trauma.
According to the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN), one out of every nine girls has experienced sexual abuse by an adult. One out of every six women has experienced attempted or completed rape as an adult. Consider what these statistics suggest about the women in your own life who you love and want to protect. And what about your wife? Is she a survivor of sexual trauma?
Sexual trauma of any kind becomes woven throughout the fabric of a woman’s sexual self. The trauma can give us negative feelings about our own sexual response, bad feelings when a man approaches them for sex (yes, even a husband who she knows would never hurt her), feelings of panic, and more.
If your wife is a survivor, then you may suffer the effects of her sexual trauma as well. It isn’t fair—just as it isn’t fair that your wife had to experience that trauma.
A Difficult Week
For survivors of sexual abuse or assault, this is a tough week.
Two particularly difficult trials have been underway this week—Josh Duggar (convicted yesterday of receiving and possessing child sexual abuse material) and Ghislaine Maxwell (charged with involvement in the sex trafficking of a minor). Even a brief glimpse at the news can cause difficult memories and feelings to resurface. And frankly, some women who have survived sexual abuse or assault find themselves drawn to these news stories in a deeper way.
Some women are having a very difficult time as they remember their own experiences—feeling like they have no recourse to justice, being expected to be polite to their abusers at family gatherings, having a sick feeling in their gut when they encounter the abuser, and being uncertain about what was happening.
As a rape survivor myself, I tend to pay attention to these kinds of news stories. It is a way I can honor the difficult experiences of my sister survivors, and I bear witness to their trauma in a way that I would have wanted my own trauma to be honored and witnessed.
Even though it is my choice to follow these things in the news, it takes a toll on me. A guilty verdict may be a relief, but it brings no joy. The relief is infused with sorrow and lament.
When I start to think about my own rape, my husband always tells me how much he wants to hurt the man who hurt me all those years ago. He feels helpless.
If the news is making this a tough week for your survivor wife, you may be a bit distressed as well. You are helpless to fix this for her, as much as you want to. You cannot unravel all the offshoots that have invaded your wife’s heart.
Help for Husbands
Although you can’t fix this for your wife, you CAN work on better understanding what she is going through. Your understanding and your patience can go a long way toward helping your wife feel emotionally safe with you and know that you are a stable source of support .
Sexual abuse and assault survivors typically have felt a lack of control related to the abuse. One important thing you can do to help her is to ask her what she would like you to do—or not do—to help her. She can’t control the past, and feeling that she has control over how she is supported can be helpful.
Besides talking with your wife and listening well to her, you can make an effort to learn more about what your wife is going through.
I’d like to point you toward some resources that can help you better understand and respond to your wife when her past trauma rises to the surface.
- For Husbands of Sexual Abuse Survivors: Insights from Patrick DeMuth | The Forgiven Wife
- The Wounded Heart: Hope for Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse | Dan B. Allender
- Sexual Trauma and Its Effect on Marriage | Focus on the Family
- We Too: We Must Bring Light to Survivors of Sexual Abuse | The Forgiven Wife
- Surviving Childhood Rape & Building Sexual Intimacy |Hot, Holy & Humorous
- 10 Things You Should Know about Sexual Assault | Crossway
- Know a Victim of Sexual Assault? What to Say and Not to Say | Crossway
- Do You Want to Heal from Past Sexual Abuse? | Intimacy in Marriage
- Healing from Sexual Trauma | The Forgiven Wife
Take Care of Yourself
Women aren’t the only ones who are sexually abused or assaulted. One of out every 33 American men has experienced attempted or completed rape.
If you are one of these 33, your marriage likely experiences some fallout from your own trauma. I want to encourage you to seek help for sexual abuse or assault that you have experienced. You deserve healing.
For the married women readers who are sexual abuse survivors, I hope, presuming your husband is not the abuser, that you have told him about your abuse (my ex-wife did not do this until ten years into our marriage) and you are willing to share with him when you experience any resulting negative consequences. Find good support and counseling as needed. May God provide you healing.
Chris, thank you for recognizing that men are also sexually abused. This is often forgotten, ignored, or minimized.
Some women have done such a good job of blocking their abuse that they may not know they have something to tell until something triggers their memory or until their children reach the age they were when the abuse started. And some women don’t think that the abuse affects them in a way that is worth sharing. But generally, yes, I agree that is something that should be shared.