by J. Parker
Wait, isn’t this blog about sexual intimacy in marriage? Yes, but a common concern I’ve heard from wives is their husband doesn’t have friends or close confidants. So his longing for intimacy in the sexual relationship feels even more intense.
That is, a wife feels pressured to meet all of her husband’s emotional needs through the marital relationship. In turn, that can make the marriage and sex feel a bit like a burden or a duty beyond what she can meet. And sadly, some wives who might otherwise engage feel overwhelmed and just shut down.
“Not good for man to be alone.”
In Genesis 2:18, God looks at Adam, the man He created, and says, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper corresponding to him” (CSB). And then God creates woman.
Let us pause now to say amen. Good call, God.
But history does not thereafter show couples living on their own. Rather, they branch out into families and communities and societies. Men and women have and maintain friendships.
Indeed, God’s calling for us to not be alone was not merely about male-female. While that complementary relationship creates the foundation of marriage and family, we are designed to be in relationship with others, including friends. As Proverbs 17:17 says: “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.”
One chapter later, Proverbs notes, “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord” (18:22). But one is not a replacement for the other. A full life includes both a loving wife and loving friends.
“But my wife is my best friend.”
One study indicated that “people who are best friends with their partners gain the largest well-being benefit from marriage and living together,” being twice at likely to report happiness (Couple up for long-term happiness | springer.com).
But before we say that’s the way it should be, the researchers also noted men were more likely to say their wife was their best friend and noted that “makes sense because men tend to have fewer friends” (Should Your Spouse Be Your Best Friend? | The New York Times).
People can argue over whether their spouse is their best friend or should have a different label, but one thing is certain: your spouse shouldn’t be your only friend.
It’s hard to make and maintain friends.
Do you remember a time when making and maintaining friendships was much easier? Most of us do. We played with other children in the neighborhood, interacted with other kids at school or church, and had classes or clubs or cliques in high school and/or college.
(If you really were a loner, I’m sorry. That must have been tough.)
Once adulthood comes, you may have continued to make friends through work, church, and/or parenthood, or maybe your lens narrowed to your wife and family. Maybe you had friends before, but they moved away, and/or work has gotten more demanding, and/or your children have more activities, and/or you retired and don’t see people much anymore.
I don’t know your story, but I hear from wife after wife that their husbands struggle to make and maintain friends. It doesn’t come easily anymore, and their men don’t feel as motivated or skilled at stepping out and intentionally forming deep and lasting relationships.
Your wife cannot do it all.
A lot of people joke about a wife upset with her husband for spending so much time with his buddies, but I mostly hear the opposite.
Many wives long for their husbands to have guy time, to gain the benefits of friendship, and to have their masculine needs met by other godly men. They want their husbands to be able to do the activities they enjoy—without necessarily having to do that activity with them.
Your wife could measure up well as a friend, partner, and lover. (See Episode 35: “Be Worth Sleeping With,” with Kevin A. Thompson for more on those role distinctions.) She could be more than enough as a wife, and still not be enough.
When some of a husband’s emotional needs are met elsewhere, he’s often less needy and, as a result, more attractive. Plus, a wife then feels that her husband is spending time with her because he really wants to, not because he’s got no one else.
Isn’t God enough?
Of course, we know the message that God alone is enough for us. If we had no one else but Him, we could be okay. Yet even His own Son—who surely needed no one but the Father—called His disciples friends:
No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you.
John 15:15 (ESV)
We have many examples from Scripture of people blessed and strengthened in their faith by friendship. Some were mentor-mentee, such as Elijah and Elisha and Paul and Timothy. Some came through family, such Naomi and Ruth. Some were drawn by circumstances and mutual support, such as Daniel and his friends, Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah (aka Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego), and David and Jonathan.
That last one might make some men uncomfortable when they read such passages as David’s eulogy for his friend Jonathan:
I grieve for you, Jonathan my brother;
you were very dear to me.
Your love for me was wonderful,
more wonderful than that of women.
1 Samuel 1:26
But our culture has a lot to do with how feelings are expressed, and King David used language that was acceptable in his culture to convey the value of his friendship with Jonathan.
The best of men, godly men, should have friends.
A husband whose emotional needs are met in various ways feels more satisfied with his life, seems more confident in himself, and sees sexual intimacy with his wife in the right context. Sex is very important, but it’s not everything. And when it’s not everything, it’s more likely to become something. Something both husband and wife enjoy.
