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Insight and support for Christian husbands
Insight and support for Christian husbands
What if women would think when they have sex the first time, instead of saying you lose your virginity, you would say “wow, today I became a woman!”
Huh. While I believe my sexuality is part of my womanhood, I think I’d be fully a woman if I never had sex. So I’m not sure that’s the way to go. Rather, both men and women should see themselves as fully grown based on other things that actually demonstrate maturity. ~J
This episode made me think about sex from my wife’s perspective in ways I’d never have before. As you discussed, sex has always been this exciting thing for me and I could never understand why someone might be hesitant or timid about it (in the proper marriage setting but now I see a different way of looking at it.
Sexual intimacy has been a struggle for my wife and me for the entirety of our 15-year marriage. I think she has always seen sex with me as “risky”. The primary reason for this is that I was addicted to porn for over 20 years covering most of our marriage. My inability to deal with this sin as well as the root causes behind it (emotional immaturity, inability to deal with stress, be open to her emotionally, support her emotional needs) brought our marriage to the breaking point many times over. Thankfully by the grace and support of God and strong counseling I’ve been able to overcome my addiction (I’ll always be vulnerable) and focus on improving my emotional awareness and connection with my wife. While things are improving on that front we have much healing in front of us (she is currently in counseling and we likely have couples counseling in our future when she is ready).
However we have not had sex in almost 2 years. Even before this current season of sexlessness, our frequency was maybe once a month or less and it was never very good. I have not tried to initiate in over a year. She has always been very low-drive and since the birth of our third child 7 years ago has dealt with multiple health issues as well as serious anxiety. I do not blame her for any of these issues and pray daily for her deliverance from them and I am fully aware that the lack of sexual intimacy in our marriage is a direct result of the sin I brought into our marriage and was too much of a coward to deal with for so many years.
I say all of that to give you some background because I am interested in your perspective as women on where we go from here. Sexual intimacy is the number one way I feel emotionally connected to my wife and while it has been important that I’m learning (slowly) to gain connectedness in other ways (that are more important to my wife) these last few years have been very difficult. I don’t know if my wife trusts me enough to believe me that I desire connectedness and closeness with my wife and not just physical release. I’m afraid that even bringing up the subject will cause her to close off from me. Is the lack of sex an issue that really should be dealt with in counseling? I want what’s best for my wife and our marriage but I’m honestly not sure what that even is anymore when it comes to sexual intimacy for us.
At some point, I think you have to bring it up. Maybe even just ask an open-ended question like, “Do you think we could ever have real sexual intimacy in our marriage? Because I want that for us.” And then listen.
Restoring physical intimacy will likely be a months-long project, but at some point, you do have to take that first step. If you feel like it would be better to do so with a mediator, that could definitely be a topic in counseling.
Given your past, you may also want to admit that you are willing to do what it takes to have a healthy sex life that is about intimacy not physical release and that serves her not just you. She may want (or need) to be reassured many times over that your motives are pure and good and directed toward real connection with her.
Hope that helps! Praying for you. ~ J