Your Wife’s Past

By Chris Taylor

Did your wife have sex with someone before you?  You probably won’t be surprised to hear that experience can have a negative impact on how she views sex.

Here’s something that may come as a surprise: the negative ramifications of premarital sex can happen even if that sex was only with you and even if she seemed as hot for the sex as you were.

I approach this subject as someone who had more than her share of premarital sex—both before my husband and with him. The fallout of that sex smothered my marriage bed for a long time. In fact, even now—more than ten years after I began to address my struggles with sex—that fallout continues to spread dust and grime from time to time.

I’m not alone in this, either. Although some women who’ve had sex do go on to make a fresh clean start when they marry, many do not. Our circumstances may vary quite a bit, but we experience similar effects on how we view sex, our husbands, and ourselves.

Premarital Sex Affects . . .

How We View Sex

Premarital sex often takes place quickly or in odd places while people try to avoid being caught by family members or roommates. Instead of taking time to explore each other’s bodies in a comfortable location, the emphasis may be on getting to orgasm as quickly as possible in uncomfortable locations or positions.

Quick sex may not leave enough time for a woman to become fully aroused and experience orgasm. Moreover, in casual sex, the goal is physical pleasure. Even if there are opportunities for more, the emphasis will be on orgasm and not at all on relationship.

These kinds of encounters—quick, secretive, and physical—can teach women negative lessons about sex.

If your wife ever had sex because she felt pressured or because she believed a guy would dump her if she didn’t give him sex, she absorbed even more negative messages.

• Sex is only physical.
• Sex is only for the man’s orgasm.
• Sex gives her power.
• Sex is her only value, or her primary value.
• Sex is not about the relationship.
• Sex isn’t a special aspect of marriage.

How We View Our Husbands

Unfortunately, women who have premarital sex can develop a negative view of their husbands. If she had premarital sex with the man she goes on to marry, she may associate many of the negative lessons about sex specifically with him. If her premarital sex was with one or more men, but not with the man she then marries, she may still associate some of those lessons with him because he, too, is a man.

The wife may have come into the marriage with some negative views of you and your interest in sex.

• You are interested in sex only as a physical thing.
• Your heart isn’t involved in sex.
• Sex is about your orgasm and not at all about her.
• You aren’t interested in taking time to learn about her or her body.
• You think the purpose of sex is for you to have an orgasm. It’s nice if she has one, but you don’t think it’s necessary.
• Comments you make about your sex life make her wonder if you’re going to leave her if she doesn’t do more or better.

 How We View Ourselves

You’re probably not the only one she feels bad about.

Many Christian women who have premarital sex feel guilty and ashamed of their actions. They enter marriage with negative views of themselves, their sexuality, and their sexual response.

• Her sexuality is shameful.
• She doesn’t know her own body.
• She wants to leave behind any sexual activities that brought her shame before marriage so she can avoid experiencing that same shame within marriage.
• She is valued only for sex.
• She doesn’t deserve a happy sex life or marriage.

What You Can Do

As you can see, premarital sex can teach a woman a lot of lessons that can make married sex difficult for her to appreciate and enjoy.

The effects from your wife’s past can be confusing to a husband who has less premarital experience or who doesn’t understand why his wife feels so much worse about their shared past than he does.

Obviously, you can’t change the past—hers or yours. Fortunately, there are things you can do to help your wife.

1. Encourage her to pursue healing. If she indicates that it is a struggle for her, you can urge her to talk with a counselor or with a trustworthy older Christian wife at church.
2. Ask for her forgiveness for your own premarital sex with her. I cannot tell you how many women have shared with me that one of their struggles is with the fact that their husband doesn’t understand the impact of his own sexual activity with her before marriage. If you ever coerced her, or asked her for sex “just this one time” after she said she wanted to stop having sex and work on your relationship, or pushed up the wedding date so you could have guilt-free sex sooner, or told her that you knew she wanted to do it even when she told you she didn’t, apologize. Even if you have already repented and received forgiveness from God, go to your wife and ask for her forgiveness as well.
3. Deal with your own feelings about her past. Husbands sometimes struggle with jealousy, resentment, and judgment about a wife’s premarital sexual past. These feelings are understandable—but they can become additional barriers in your wife’s efforts to deal with her past.
4. Pray for your wife. If your wife struggles with her premarital sexual activity, pray for her to heal, to seek God, and to receive His forgiveness and peace.

The fallout from her premarital sex can feel frustrating and unfair—but understanding why it’s hard is a helpful way for you to help her move forward.