Hey, guys! Instead of sharing a blog post with you today, we want to hear from you. We’ve been doing some planning, and we want to be sure we’re covering the things that you need us to. You’re the experts in what we most need to tackle.
What do you want to know about your wife’s sexual interest or sexual response? What topics can we address that would be most helpful to you? Is there something we’ve touched on in a blog post or podcast episode that you’d like us to say more about?
You can comment on this post or use the Ask Us link to submit a question.
Thanks so much for helping us out!
How to motivate the low desire partner (wife) to be open to sex more often.
Thanks for the suggestion? We’ve talked about it some, but it’s one that needs to be revisited frequently. Chris
I would like your input/perspective I’m 28 years old my wife (my wife’s 10 years older than me) and we’ve have been together for 11 years.
We were sexually active prior to our dating/getting married. i was heavily involved in pornography from a young age and that really put out marriage on the rocks
I was delivered from this lifestyle as we dedicated our lives to Jesus Christ. Over time my ideas and concepts of sex have changed (for the better) however one of the sexual activities i was fond of was oral sex… My wife would do this for sometimes before we started living for God but never really cared for it and I didn’t push it because of the negative connection to porn.
After seeking godly counsel of my Pastor I’ve been able to look at oral sex differently and suggested it to my wife.
But she still doesn’t like it though she was willing to do it when we were dating and if I mention it she’s even more turned away from the idea.
I’ve come across your blog and have been using some tips…. Waiting and being patient, praying that her outlook on the idea would be changed as well as my own.
You may find it helpful to look at these two posts: Why Doesn’t She Want to Give You Oral Sex? 8 Reasons That Are Not About You and Why Doesn’t She Want to Give You Oral Sex? 5 Reasons That Are About You (and What You Can Do About Them). The first one mentions the impact of oral sex before marriage, even if it is with the man who she later marries.
Thank you so much I came across your site through Dave and Ashley Willis. It’s great!!
Thank you! ♥
Thank you so much I came across your site through Dave and Ashley Willis. It’s great!!
I’ve not brought it up, it’s a tense topic because I know she doesn’t like it. I’ve resolved I’ll just wait until HOPEFULLY she’ll bring it up 😄.
But in all seriousness i understand why she doesn’t like it which is why I’ve been silent for a while and I don’t want her to feel uncomfortable.
But if I don’t say anything i just feel like it won’t be brought up..
Which is understandable, why would she want to talk or do something she’s not comfortable with? Just in a waiting room at the moment.
How about sexual performance on the man side? I have Peyronie’s—that’s scarred tissue in the penis. The good thing is that it’s upwards; it allowed good stimulation of the g spot for my wife.
I have a question. My wife has suffered for many years with Chronic Fatigue and more recently has added Fibromyalgia to her ailments. We have also appreciated learning of the distinction of her being a responder towards our sex life rather than an initiator. But that results in a quandary I would appreciate some ideas for. One thing I have learned to try to avoid is constantly asking how she’s doing since to do so gets to be a drag for her. But without knowing how she’s feeling, for me to try to initiate sex is tantamount to the same thing. But waiting on her to say she’s feeling good enough to want sex means she’s having to play the role of initiator which is not how she’s wired. So my question would be what creative ways might there be for me to initiate that would allow her to respond or not without the downer of having to say she’s not feeling well enough? Does that make sense?
I am working on some blog posts for wives about chronic pain and illness. I’ll try to work on something for husbands down the road as well. ~Chris
I have the exact same concern as Keith and would also appreciate having this topic addressed!
I’ll get to work on one soon! Chris
I think I may have mentioned these on HHH before but here goes anyway.
Number one.
Granted that women are reported to have “responsive” drive even though I personally have seen no evidence of this in my, now 36 year, marriage.
I would describe it more along the lines of “rare begrudging acquiescence” when she thinks I am at the point of giving up and finally walking out. Unless SHE has need of ME.
How on God’s green Earth are ANY of us supposed to get even CLOSE to responsive when the first, automatic, answer is ALWAYS no and still respect “no means no”?
No doesn’t MEAN ANYTHING any more when the answer is ALWAYS no!
Number Two.
I think it was the “how can she not be interested in sex post” where one of you gave five broad categories for lack of interest.
OK.
My wife has never owned up to any of these issues in ANY of these categories. Or anything else. Ever. And believe me, I have been asking. For 36 years I have been asking. Miss J is fond of talking about “baby steps”. But what are we supposed to do when it is NO steps? For DECADES on end? Refuses counseling because she doesn’t think there is anything wrong with once a month. Or once a year. Or once a whenever. Told me many times it is MY problem.
My wife told me the first week we were married, after 3 or 4 days I think it was at the time, “I am not interested, if you don’t like it, TOUGH! You are married, now, sucker!” I asked her about the compromising on frequency and all that she had assured me and the Preacher of in the now apparently worthless pre-marital “counseling” we went through. Her reply was “That was before. If I don’t want to, I don’t have to and you cannot make me. If you don’t like it, you can take care of it yourself.” You can imagine my horror, 1 week in. I thought she was joking. I hoped she was joking. After another attempt a week or so later with same basic attitude and results I prayed she was joking. I asked what I had done in one week to cause this 180 degree reversal, why, and all the usual you can imagine to no avail. And haven’t stopped asking for 36 years, really. All I could hope for was the “monthly miracle” when she was ovulating and HER hormones peaked. If there wasn’t anything she wanted to withhold sex for to try and manipulate me for something. After menopause, now, I cannot even hope for this.
I think she is incapable of admitting men, or women, or a marriage for that matter, needs sex for anything other than release. I think she decided sex on her part was only for manipulation, a tool basically, BEFORE we were married too, though that isn’t what she was telling me. I even specifically told her, in writing in a letter, and that Preacher in the class, that this wouldn’t go well for either of us if she did this.
And, SURPRISE SURPRISE, it hasn’t. Hasn’t stopped her for one second though. Doesn’t give it a second thought.
How is anyone supposed to square this with “No means No” and have any hope to get to any point of being “responsive”? Can bring a horse to water, but you cannot make a mule do ANYTHING. HA!
She won’t go to counseling because the status quo suits her just fine, and me going won’t accomplish anything because she doesn’t ask me to change anything either. I am just supposed to accept her lack of interest like “Christ loved the Church”. She has even told me I have been a “good husband” for putting up with her.
Well I am tired of being a good husband, I want to get LAID! Like I was supposed to 36 years ago. And all those bone-dry years in between. I didn’t even get the stupid “honeymoon period”. Or a pregnancy peak. Or the “desire flip” in the 40’s OR 50’s either. And the post-menopause, empty nest, “re-awakening” is looking like a total bust now too.
I have been “waiting” longer IN MARRIAGE, now, than I “waited” before marriage!
I have been patient. Through all of the “seasons”. When, if ever, is all of this patience supposed to pay off?
What I find the saddest, of all these miserable decades, is all the good times she has denied HERSELF.
I’ve been mulling over this comment, off and on, all morning, and I want to ask you a question in return: What would you like to hear from us? What are you looking for here?
That is, I (and Chris) give a lot of advice intended to help husbands turn things around. Most of the time, these are not magic-bullet moments, but a longer commitment to working through obstacles and issues that prevent a couple from having and enjoying sexual intimacy in their marriage. But at the same time, I’m always aware that there are no guarantees, that God gave us free will, and that you cannot outright change your spouse. For those marriages that seem to have struggled for ages and without much sense that things will change, I often wonder what to say.
Sometimes, I believe the spouse just isn’t listening to or putting into practice wise advice and biblical love. Sometimes, I think their partner has good reason to refuse and needs their sexual trauma or emotional needs addressed. Sometimes, I think sex isn’t the problem but rather one or both spouses are not treating the other with kindness and respect (and that leaks into the bedroom). Sometimes, I think a spouse is still in the marriage but effectively gone because their heart isn’t in it anymore. Many times, I think that the problems are deep enough that the frustrated spouse should get tailored help from a counselor.
But all that brings me back to wondering what response to your struggles, Longsuffering, are you looking for here. Is this a situation I have the wherewithal to help? (Beyond encouragement and prayer.)
~ J
I really don’t know any more, I guess. I feel like I have tried everything with ZERO results. I have scratched through everything she ever had on her “lists” that I physically or financially could by her own admission.
Just looking for maybe one more idea. Some slim hope to cling to? Permission to finally give up on a lost, hopeless, desperately failed effort? A cheap hobby (read as free because only HER interests rate any money being spent on them) I can hide my pain, misery and failure in until sweet death finally brings some relief?
How do you overcome selfishness and willful ignorance?
When that person is knowingly hurting themselves too?
How do you love in a frozen, lifeless vacuum?
I don’t know if you are a country blues music fan, but I feel like I have lived through just about every Chris Stapleton song but “Death Row”. HA! “Tennessee Whiskey” (Austin City Limits performance) to “Fire Away” then “Sometimes I Cry”, followed by “I was wrong” of course (then 5 years later she will finally admit that I wasn’t, but she was, but still doesn’t improve one single thing between us) then “Cold” and I guess now I am at “Either Way”. I think she was never NOT at “Either Way”, looking back now, I just don’t know why she picked me as her victim. I mean why bother at all, you know? Just wanted a meal ticket?
I don’t even much care for most country, but I think Chris is more Soul and Blues, really, with a Country exterior and upbringing maybe. Context?
He is one of those artists that could probably sing anything. I am only mentioning these songs because they convey the emotions I feel in a way the words that I write on these blogs never could. Ever.
Thanks for the prayers in any case, God certainly hasn’t answered any of mine for 36 years and counting. Maybe one of you ladies will have better results.
I guess that may be your answer in a way. That there is nothing left to do but pray.
I’m an eclectic music fan, including country, but Stapleton’s not one of my go-tos. (Had you said Brad Paisley, I’d be right there with you! ~grin~) I don’t really have an answer to this comment right now, but it’s given me food for thought. I’d like to do even more research on sexless marriages and see what else I can find that could help or give hope. In the meantime, praying! ~ J