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Insight and support for Christian husbands
Insight and support for Christian husbands
This was very helpful, as we are at where Chris and Big guy were years ago when there was lots of “No’. I will re-think carefully my response and make sure it is about setting things up for later, and making sure my disappointment is not with ‘her’ and that I still lover her. Thanks
I know it is hard in that moment of hurt and disappointment, but responding with love and care can slowly create a shift in the marital atmosphere.
~Chris
It’s been years since my wife has said “no”. No, this is not a good thing…it’s been as many years since I’ve even tried to initiate. Before I stopped, “no” was so frequent that it had become the expected painful result…so I stopped…as Chris commented in the podcast, I had been ‘trained’. After years of infrequent sex (maybe once a month) we scheduled it, once a week. Now I don’t hear “no” but that ‘special day’ now feels to me like it is ‘maintenance sex’, like it’s just a chore that she checks off her ‘to do’ list. The fact that my wife has never really initiated tells me sex is something that she has no interest in which makes me feel that even on this ‘special days’, I am being selfish.
Many women simply have a responsive sex drive rather than one that prompts them to initiate. I know many husbands are disappointed in this, but it can help to realize that this is not really about you. Maintenance sex isn’t necessarily a bad thing. If your wife isn’t interested in sex for herself but she willingly and lovingly has sex with you once a week, you can choose to accept that as a loving gift rather than feeling selfish. On the other hand, if she begrudgingly lies there and asks you to hurry up, that isn’t exactly willing and loving. While there are some things women can do to increase their sexual interest and enjoyment, husbands can also do some things to shift their perspective. ~Chris
Let’s see is “ya got 10 minutes” loving?
Is “lube up and get it over with” willing?
I think that particular time was after about 3 or 4 months of drought with no “boilerplate Christian excuses”. Not pregnant, ill etc and certainly not admitting to any other reason. And like other commenter if you wait for her to initiate, it won’t be an issue any more because you will be dead anyway. Just like the marriage.
Attitude is basically “I don’t want to, ever, and you have to live with it. Forever.” Pretty much for our entire “marriage”.
And I “waited” for this ABUSE?
I’m so sorry. Have you talked with a counselor or pastor to help you cope with your situation?
No ladies you really don’t get it. When a wife says no to her husband she is rejecting oneness with her husband, she is rejecting her husband. The Bible calls it defrauding, it is a sinful action on the part of the wife. Instead of the picture of the union of Christ and the church it is a picture of a church doesn’t want to be one with her Lord. The husband is placed in an impossible situation. His obligation is to wash and water his wife in the Word who is in rebellion, but with the emotional escalation of his wife emasculating him. The husband is made to feel inadequate as a man, a failure as a lover, dishonored as the head of the home and unloved. And yet he concomitantly has the responsibility to lead his wife to repentance. She thinks he is being selfish, but this implies that the marriage bed is not holy. No matter how ham-handed his overture to her, her obligation is to respond affectionately with honor and respect. “NO” fails these conditions and implies that the wife has authority over her body and not her husband which is a rejection of Biblical doctrine.
What if husbands were as capricious in their love as wives seem to think they are entitled to be. What if he was just not in the mood to go to work or protect his wife. When a wife chooses and it is a choice to respond by rejecting her husband and defrauding the covenant of marriage she is tearing down her household and destroying her own her happiness. The context of sex is not if she is in the mood, but if there is a covenant of marriage. Most husbands will be patient and understanding on an occasional rain check, if asked respectfully with honor and in a way that reaffirms her desire for him. She may ask for a night off, but she cannot deny him without committing serious sin.
Talking about whether a wife is sinning in refusing to have sex is outside our mission here. Our goal is to help husbands understand what their wives are thinking, feeling, and experiencing. When we talk to wives, we certainly encourage them to work on their sexual interest—but talking about that to husbands doesn’t give them any practical tools that will actually be effective.
What about the “rolling rain check” that never comes.
I have heard you are supposed to tend a marriage like a garden.
Well you can “work” the garden all you want but it still needs rain. You can keep plants from dying with a watering can, but they will only thrive with a good root-soaking rain. Some plants will never bloom without it.
True, but you can make sure that your part of the garden has everything it needs to grow.
Just listening to this makes me hurt. My reactions to her no is trying to make her feel how I feel. I know that’s not right but it isn’t just months between it can be longer and it constantly me asking and getting turned down. It’s also very hard in the work place when I get some female attention to not want to act on that. I don’t. I don’t think I’ve threatens it, but how can she not understand this.
Have you considered getting counseling for yourself? Getting support for your hurt and grief can then put you in a healthier place from which to respond to your wife’s no in a new way.
So is this a conversation for a counselor ie professional or church staff?
I’m not sure what conversation you are referring to, but when we say counseling, yes, that means to talk with either a licensed counselor or a pastor who has training in counseling.