10 Quick Tips for Initiating Sex

J. Parker

Too often, wives don’t know how to initiate sex with their husbands, and husbands don’t know how to initiate sex with their wives. We tend to do what works for us, and so we might miss the mark on a better approach with our beloved.

Today, I’m offering 10 quick tips for husbands initiating sex with a generally willing wife.

Choose a good time.

Even a highly sexually interested wife can be too busy or exhausted to entertain an advance at times. Learn your wife’s weekly and daily rhythms, consider her schedule, and aim for a time when she’s most likely to be able to engage.

Get spruced up.

No, you don’t need to don a tux or wear satin boxers. I mean, you can, if you want. But by sprucing up, I’m talking about making yourself properly presentable for a night of lovemaking.

Take a shower. Pay particular attention to cleaning down there. Manscape, if that’s your and/or her thing. Wear something decent (no holes, stains, etc.). Use deodorant. Brush your teeth. Maybe put on some cologne.

Women generally have a better sense of smell, so she might be smelling something you aren’t. Spruce up enough that your body is appealing.

Be clear about what you want.

• “Do you wanna?”
• “Are you in the mood?”
• “We haven’t had sex in a while.”

All of these examples are tentative ways to suggest sex without actually asking or inviting. And because they’re less than clear, your wife may not understand what you really want. It can come across to her like you’re not that interested but willing or just pointing out that you should have sex sometime soon—or soonish.

Remember when you asked your wife out for a date? Hopefully, you didn’t just say, “So I was thinking sometime we could maybe…you know…do something?” If you did and that worked for you, well, okay. But it’s usually more effective to say something like, “Would you like to go out to dinner tomorrow night?” Then she knows what you’re asking and can respond accordingly, by saying yes, saying not tomorrow but the next day, or suggesting lunch instead of dinner.

Apply that attitude to the marriage bed: Be clear that you’re requesting a sexual encounter.

Make your request inviting.

On the other hand, saying to your super-romantic wife “I’m horny, let’s do it” isn’t likely to get you what you want. Nor should it! The most common complaint I hear from wives about how their husbands ask for sex is that he’s crude.

Maybe you don’t think you’re being crude. Hey, maybe you’d love your wife to initiate sex by grabbing your private part out of nowhere, saying, “I need it now,” or using dirty talk. But most women don’t like that. They want to hear that you desire not simply “a place to put it” but a romantic, erotic, intimate, mutually satisfying experience.

Consider your words and what you really want with and from your wife and then say that, whether it’s “I want to bring you to the height of pleasure” or “I need to connect with you.”

Offer to help her prepare.

What does your wife need to prepare mentally and physically for a sexual encounter? She may want your assistance with tasks like finishing the dishes or putting the kids to bed or thoughtful, mind-clearing gestures like pouring her a bubble bath or giving her a massage.

Let her know you’re willing to partner up with her so that she can feel ready and able to enjoy the sexual experience.

Woo her with words.

We’re taking a tip here from the Song of Songs husband—a smart guy who got laid a lot—as well as the vast body of romance fiction demonstrating that women like to be wooed with words. If you’re a poet at heart, unleash your creative seduction! But if you’re not Solomon or Shakespeare, don’t worry. You can still speak effectively to your wife’s heart.

Give your wife specific reasons why you appreciate her. Tell her you’d choose her again. Make a playful innuendo. Just say her name, softly and with a smile. Go with the tried and true “I love you so much.”

Touch her body, not her genitals.

We’re not stupid—we know which parts you like best. But if you could see your way to enjoying other parts of your wife’s body before focusing on the “good bits,” that would go a long way toward awakening her body to the experience.

Touch and/or kiss her hands, her shoulders, her arms, her neck, her legs, her everything-but-there as part of your initiation strategy.

Not to mention that her whole body is pretty awesome, so you might as well get to know it.

Learn and touch her “go to” spots.

More specifically, figure out where your wife likes to be touched. What non-genital areas connote romance, sensuality, and arousal? Some possibilities (areas I’ve heard from wives):

• Nape of the neck
• Palm of the hand
• Scalp (running fingers through hair or head massage)
• Inner elbow
• Outer thigh
• Inner thigh

Once you find these sensitive spots, touching or kissing them gently can awaken your wife’s interest and show that you want to please and pleasure her. Add in that word-wooing, if you can or want.

Be the man with the plan.

Another thing wives talk about when you’re not around, guys? How the same husbands who admirably fix, manage, and plan things all day long at work can’t seem to plan a date, arrange for a babysitter, remember to buy the condoms, etc. at home.

There’s a mental load in planning stuff all the time. One benefit of marriage should be sharing that duty.

So if you haven’t been doing it, step up and plan something. What you plan depends on your marriage. And if you don’t know what it could possibly be, ask your wife.

Be passionately spontaneous.

Wait! you say. Isn’t that the total opposite of plan it out? Why, yes, it is. Either once you have things in place or just now and again, your wife might like you to take charge and let her know how desirable she is to you. Again, this isn’t about crudeness but passion—like making out in the kitchen, making close eye contact and telling her how breathless her beauty makes you, or scooping her into your arms and sharing how being inside her makes you feel whole.

Yeah, yeah, it’s kind of the stuff of romance fiction. But there’s a reason women read that. I’m not saying they should! I’m only saying that women generally like the idea of their beloved being so in love that they long to be close and passionate.

But that lame romance novel hero’s got nothin’ on you. You’re the one who can really sweep your wife off her feet! And she wants it to be you. That’s why she said yes to you in the first place.

Here’s hoping she says yes the next time you initiate sex.