J. Parker
I’ve read them, you’ve read them—articles, books, and blog posts telling husbands just what gift to purchase for their wife. Often such suggestions are worded like:
- “Trust me, every woman loves getting flowers.”
- “If you want to impress your wife, buy her jewelry.”
- “Never get your wife an appliance for her birthday.”
I’ve also read something like: “Give her lingerie you’d like to see her in!” If you saw that piece of advice, you probably thought: Yes, please! How great would that be—to choose a sexy somethin’, gift it to your wife, and have her model it for you. Even better, for her to take it off for you!
Knowing Your Wife
For all the excellent advice out there about women and marriage and gift-giving generally, it doesn’t apply to every woman. For instance, this wife (J) doesn’t love getting flowers (unless they’re personally picked daisies, husband reading this), doesn’t wear a lot of jewelry and can’t wear earrings, and was thrilled to receive a clothes washer as a gift one year … because that’s what I wanted.
Likewise, some wives would love to get lingerie, and some definitely would not. And some might be more open to sensual gifts than you or she might think, if done well.
To learn what your beloved wife might appreciate as a gift, consider:
- What kind of woman did you marry? Is she a romantic? A practical gal? An experiential person?
- What are your wife’s love languages? How does that inform the type of gift she’d most appreciate?
- What has your wife talked about wanting? Or better yet, what has she talked about lacking? Oftentimes, we women give cues by talking about what’s missing in our lives.
- What past gifts has she responded well to (from you or others)? What did she like about the gifts?
- Has she or will she make you a wish list? Does she have specific stores she prefers?
- Is she a candid communicator or a hint-dropper? And do you need blunt direction, or can you be a gift-idea detective? (You’ll have to work this one out as a couple.)
- How much money does she expect you to spend on her? Would under- or overspending stress her more? (Yes, you should be a good steward with your finances, so consider the question in that context.)
- What does your wife need versus what does she want? And would a want or need gift please her more?
Answering these questions can also inform you about whether (1) a lingerie gift is a good idea, and (2) what kind of lingerie she might want.
Blind Spots to Watch For
Husbands can have blind spots when it comes to purchasing lingerie, or other intimacy related items, for their wives. Let me cover three I’ve seen quite a bit.
1. It’s not really a gift for her but a gift for him. Either the purchase of lingerie itself or the type he buys is not at all what she wants, but rather what he wants to see her in.
If that’s true, stop saying it’s for her. At least be honest enough to write “For Me” on the gift tag.
2. He has no idea what she’d actually wear. A friend of mine worked at a lingerie store years ago, and she has interesting stories about returned items—things men bought that their wife took one look at and pronounced, “Take. It. Back.” The wife may have thought it too skimpy, the wrong size, uncomfortable fabric, or red (men seemed to like that color more than women).
But when buying for your beloved, try choosing something just a stretch beyond what she’s already wearing—for example, going from a long cotton T-shirt to soft cotton nightgown of the same length. You’re more likely to hit on something a bit more sexy that she would actually wear.
3. It’s all about the sex. If you’re buying lingerie thinking that is going to open up doors previously closed, or you only buy the items that pleasure you, or you expect her to come out wearing it and dropping it in two seconds, then it’s all about the sex. And most wives—even we higher-desire wives—would like to feel treasured for more.
That’s why choosing lingerie comfortable enough for her to walk around and sleep in, or adding other items like bedroom string lights or bubble bath and a candle, or dropping in some romantic gift coupons can make your gift more meaningful. Sure, it’s about the sex, but also more than that—it’s about her and your marital intimacy.
Sexy Stuff Is the Bonus
If I were to give the “average husband” some advice, I’d suggest making the main gift something else your wife wants—whether appliance or jewelry or vacation or power tool. Then add sexy stuff as a bonus.
Some couples even have a main Christmas stocking for one another, opened in front of family, and a separate sexy stocking, opened in private. Or you could slip a special gift into your wife’s hands at the end of the long Christmas Day, with a “one more thing I wanted to give you.”
Whatever you give, make sure it honors the whole woman she is. And then go for the sexy bits. Merry Kiss-mas, after all! For more on holiday intimacy, see our latest podcast episode: Episode 19: Having an Intimate Holiday Season.
And for that Christmas sexy gift, here are a few shops we recommend.
Honoring Intimates
Mentionables
Marital Aids and Sex Toys
I don’t think, in our four years of marriage, that giving me lingerie has ever even crossed my husband’s mind. And as a woman who is hard to fit and flatter, I’m pretty ok with that.
Okay. So I’m a guy and I acknowledge that I don’t get it a lot of times. But I ask myself, “Why is it that men buy racy lingerie but their wives won’t wear it?” To me lingerie is like wrapping paper. When we give gifts the paper we choose and the care and creativity we use says a lot about the giver of the gift. It’s never meant to “stay on the gift.” It gives a message about the love behind the gift. If a present is wrapped in blah paper that’s crumpled with no bows or ribbons that sends a message. So too with lingerie. It’s all about the wife gift wrapping her body with creativity and love. It’s not something to do every day. It’s a special occasion type of thing. To me it shouldn’t be about the wife feeling comfortable. That’s for every day. It’s every so often the wife making a present of her body in a special way, because I’m here to tell you I never get tired of my wife’s physical beauty. Yes, married love is about more than physical beauty. Yes, I appreciate her and love her for much much more than her outward appearance. BUT, her outward physical beauty is stunning in my eyes. I never get tired of it. (We’ve been married 30 years.) And her wearing the sexiest, raciest lingerie on a special occasion is a way to acknowledge that and show that she accepts my compliments of her beauty with all of who she is. It’s her saying, “Here’s my body, ravish me with your love! I choose to feed your pleasure in my beauty and my body.” I understand that not all husbands will feel in a similar way, but your comment about all the lingerie that is returned to the store by the wives tells me a lot of them do. And I wonder if the vulnerability and trust needed on the part of wives to go ahead and accept their husband’s adoration, and not only to accept it but to feed it with sexy lingerie is where the issue lies. Is it similar to not being able to fully accept compliments? (Please excuse the rambling nature of my thoughts!)
Given your analogy, most women want to wrap themselves, not be wrapped. That is, they don’t want to be seen as an object (gift) that needs to be specially presented in just the way the recipient wants; rather, they want to feel like a whole person valued for who they already are. Though, really, wives who become confident with that are often the most willing to put up special wrapping for presentation. (I hope that made sense!) ~ J
My wife is very passionate, but is the kind of woman that prefers to choose her own Lingerie and other intimates. Even though the Lingerie doesn’t stay on very long, she would like to feel comfortable when she is wearing them.
Actually her thin little leopard one piece mini skirt/night shirt combo that she wears it every night looks pretty sexy and she chooses it because it is comfortable and keeps her cooler at night.
It slips off pretty easy.
The last couple of years, we would combine our gift giving toward a romantic trip to Hawaii. This year Hawaii’s Covid restrictions put the “cobosh” to those plans, so instead we purchased a nice bedroom set, with a high quality luxury firm mattress.
There’s a lot to be said for a quality mattress—both for sleeping and other activities. 🙂 – J
I’ve purchased lingerie for my wife (of 44 years) over time. At first, she was resistant but over time she has appreciated my efforts and tries to wear some several times a month. She recently told me that she isn’t resistant anymore and actually likes that I buy her interesting things to wear. She now appreciates, not resists, the effort. Quite a change. My lady has grown and developed into quite a woman, one that I’ have loved from the start. The 50th anniversary of our first date is coming in October, at the 40th I took flowers to her workplace, wore my best suit and carried a boombox to play our song, which I sang. She was the envy of the workplace and a legend was born. All the women said their husbands would never do something like this and the men said they could never do it. All you have to do is try, over time you can succeed!
Woo-hoo! That’s definitely worth celebrating. I’m so glad your wife has come to enjoy the lingerie and romance.
~Chris