J. Parker

A while back, a friend called me up, wanting to discuss her sex life. It was going well, but she struggled with one aspect: Her husband didn’t want her to use a personal lubricant.

He believed it was his job to get her wet enough to engage in lovemaking, and if he couldn’t, that reflected poorly on him as a lover. My friend ended up feeling guilty when her body didn’t produce the requisite natural lubricant or when her husband had to spend an inordinate amount of time getting her there.

Since then, I’ve heard this concern from other wives. So let’s talk about a wife’s natural lubrication and why she sometimes needs supplemental lube, no matter how excellent a lover her husband is.

How does she lubricate?

A woman’s vagina is naturally a bit moist due to cervical mucus. Yeah, the word mucus sounds awful, but it just means her body produces enough liquid to keep the vagina smooth and healthy. Also, her cervical mucus increases during ovulation, which helps sperm survive and swim.

But this moisture alone doesn’t mean she’s ready for intercourse. Rather, she needs blood flow to her vulva and additional wetness that comes through sexual arousal.

This extra wetness comes from two pea-sized glands on either side of the vaginal opening that secrete lubricant to the vulva and vagina to aid pleasure and intercourse. These glands are called Bartholin’s glands, named after the guy who first described them in the 17th century—Danish anatomist Casper Bartholin.

(I could have gone the rest of my life not knowing that a woman’s wet jets were named after some dude named Casper, but oh well. That’s what I get for doing research.)

There’s also a small role for Skene’s glands to provide some moisture (and those are also implicated in female ejaculation) and vaginal sweating to moisturize the vulva. But the bigger deal is those glands.

What affects lubrication?

Sexual interest and arousal encourage lubrication. But other factors are at play.

Most notably, hormones. Having less estrogen decreases the amount of regular cervical mucus as well as secretions from the Bartholin’s glands, and that can happen:

• at the beginning and end of her monthly cycle
• during perimenopause and/or after menopause
• as a side effect of some oral contraceptives
• as the result of health or medication issues

Illness, infection, and her mental state can also impact her body’s ability to secrete.

Of course, a wife’s level of arousal also matters, since those Bartholin’s glands only do their thing when she’s turned on. But they still may not secrete when she’s turned on due to all those other factors.

Will additional foreplay help?

A wife’s glands may indeed produce sufficient moisture with more coaxing. A husband may want to start slower, spend more time with kissing and caressing, or add some of his own wetness (saliva) through oral sex for her.

But sometimes—and believe me, this is so frustrating—a husband can be arousing his wife beautifully, her mind and heart are totally into it, and her vulva and vagina still won’t lubricate on their own.

She may desire to make love, but without additional wetness, intercourse will be at best uncomfortable, more likely painful, and could even result in abrasions (that is, injury) to her, you, or both.

When to add personal lubricant?

I’ll give it to you straight, guys: It’s lame to grab the lube to avoid giving her foreplay. Yes, some lazy-lover husbands have been known to do that. I’ve heard from their wives. But since I KNOW you’re not that guy—riiiight?—we’ll assume that you are a Foreplay Master (or will become one after watching our webinars).

Let me cover three quick scenarios to aid you in helping your wife with lubrication challenges:

1. If your wife is in severe discomfort or pain due to vaginal dryness, that likely goes beyond just adding lubricant. She may need a vaginal moisturizer, an estrogen cream, or other interventions. Encourage her to talk to her healthcare provider and support her pursuit of answers.
2. If your wife’s vaginal dryness is a common-but-normal development (e.g., due to menopause), then lubrication may be part of most lovemaking sessions. She might make a habit of slipping in a Vitamin E vaginal suppository or he might open the bedside table drawer and grab the lube at the beginning of an encounter. Communicate and/or develop routines to address her dryness.
3. If your wife can lubricate well on her own but sometimes doesn’t, pay attention to her body’s responses and encourage her to do the same. It can be a relief for a wife to know she can say, “My body’s not cooperating this time,” or for her husband to ask, “Would you like me to get the lube?” The focus shouldn’t be on whether she can become a slip-and-slide on her own, but what it takes for you two to be sexually intimate.

Can you get her “wet”?

I understand why having your wife say to you, “I’m wet,” would be appealing. Wetness is an indication of sexual arousal and readiness for penetration. It’s like a green flag waving at you.

On top of that, you feel rather skilled as a lover when your wooing and stimulation bring a woman from nothing happening down there to full-on arousal. We see the strut in your eyes, gentlemen. And yes, sometimes we secretly think you deserve applause. Well done, you.

But at the same time, how much a wife wants and enjoys the sexual experience with her husband can be entirely separate from how wet she’s getting in the moment.

If you read her wetness as the sign of her interest or pleasure or your sexual process, you’re missing all the other evidence! They could all have fantastic lovers for husbands, but some wives never need extra lube, some wives always do, and most wives are in between.

Rather than asking whether you can get her wet—and if you can, you should certainly try—ask how you can make sexual intimacy the best it can be for both of you. And that might involve reaching for personal lubricant. If she needs extra lube, use it.

Where can you find good personal lubricant options? We recommend Married Dance, a Christian-owned, online marital aid store with a good selection. I (J. Parker) specifically like Sliquid, but try what you want and figure out what works for you!