What Else Does Your Wife Want You to Know About Her Sex Drive?

By Chris Taylor

In our last post, J shared with you three things your wife wants you to know about her sex drive.

I’m here today to add to that list with three more things your wife wants you to know.

4. It doesn’t look like yours, and that’s God’s design.

For many men, sex is easy. The thought of sex or the sight of your wife’s naked body stirs your loins and starts your engines. Orgasm is easy, and it happens just about every time you have intercourse.

In contrast, for many women, it isn’t until we are actually experiencing stimulation that our bodies begin to be aroused in a way that makes us desire sex. (Fun fact: even a higher-drive wife who has been wanting to have sex usually requires some stimulation to get to arousal. It isn’t instantaneous.)

Orgasm may not be so easy for women either. Some women struggle to ever achieve orgasm. Others find it easy at some times and impossible at others. And only 25% of women regularly experience orgasm during intercourse.

The sex drive differences between husbands and wives can be frustrating to both parties. In this frustration, however, we all find an invitation to grow. Even in the bedroom, we have an opportunity to choose selflessness, to learn to meet our spouse’s needs, and to adapt to one another.

This process of moving toward each other, again and again, is part of the dance that builds intimacy.

This, my friends, is part of the gift that God has given us in sex.

5. She may not understand her drive any better than you do.

I’ve heard from plenty of husbands who complain that they just can’t figure their wives out. What makes her easy to arouse one day and irritated by touch the next day? Why is it that a messy sink makes it hard for her to relax enough to enjoy sex? How can a husband figure out the secret to getting the planets to align on a consistent basis?

Guys, I get it. You love your wife, and you want to be able to enjoy sex together a lot. You are more than willing to do what is necessary to make that happen—but it seems impossible to figure out what that is.

You just want to understand how to make things work well, right?

You know what? So does she.

She may not understand her sex drive or response herself, any more than you do. A woman’s sexual interest and sexual response are both affected by what is going on with her body, her thoughts, her feelings, her stresses, and her marital relationship on any given day. There’s no canalysis system to help us figure ourselves out. You aren’t the only one who would like a clear flow chart that would help you figure out her sex drive and response.

Your patience and willingness to accept that she doesn’t always understand herself can go a long way in helping her feel safe and relaxed enough with you to be open about what she does understand.

6. Her body may not be an accurate measure of her readiness or enjoyment of sex.

I wrote before about how a wife’s orgasm doesn’t mean that she enjoyed sex. For her, an enjoyable sexual experience includes not just an orgasm, but also intimate cuddling, touching, and kissing. (If you missed that post, click here to read it.)

Just as her body’s sexual wrap-up experience doesn’t accurately reflect whether it was a good experience for her, her body’s sexual preparation doesn’t accurately reflect whether she is ready for sex.

In plain words, her vaginal lubrication is not an accurate measure of her readiness for sex.

Lubrication is her body’s response to certain stimuli. Her body may be ready to have a penis inserted without causing pain or discomfort—but that doesn’t mean that SHE is ready, either for intercourse or for sexual touching.

It may take a bit more time for her mind to get in sync with that part of her body—and hey, that gives you more time for foreplay, so you’re still having fun together!

Even if she’s wet, let her tell you when she’s ready—all of her, not just her vagina.

Here’s an important corollary: a lack of lubrication doesn’t mean your wife doesn’t want to have sex.

A variety of things can cause vaginal dryness: breastfeeding, depression, stress, menopause, immune disorders, hormonal birth control, and decongestants are just part of the list.

Her body might be trying to prepare for intercourse, but sometimes things just don’t work the way they should. Fortunately, artificial lubricant is readily available so a lack of lubrication isn’t a problem.

Your wife’s lack of lubrication is simply a physical response issue. It has absolutely nothing to do with her desire for sex or her desire for you. Don’t be that guy who takes it personally.

Here’s your recap (from J’s post and mine) of what your wife wants you to know about her sex drive: