3 Things Your Wife Wants You to Know About Her Sex Drive

J. Parker

Let’s talk about your wife’s sex drive.

If you’ve listened to our other podcast for wives, you may have heard us refer to this as sexual interest, and plenty of others call it libido. But whatever word you want to use, here are 3 things your wife wants you to know about hers.

1. She has one.

Or maybe she had one. But at some point in her life—somewhere, somehow—she at least had some curiosity about sex and desire enough to be with someone that she married you.

Even if she’s not currently interested in sex, she’s a sexual being.

Or maybe she is interested in sex, but not as often as you’d like or in the way you expected. For instance, she could have a more responsive drive or need more time to get into that gear.

Or maybe she’s interested in sex even more than you, and you don’t quite know what to do with that.

Regardless, she’s not an amorphous blob of non-sexuality. She has the parts, the physiology, and sexual desire.

2. Her sex drive is context-dependent.

What’s happening in her life and with your relationship determines a lot about how active her sex drive will be. If her work or home life is crazy-busy, or you’re in conflict, or she feels neglected or devalued, even if she’d like sex, she can find it difficult to engage.

Research has consistently shown that a majority of wives want more sex, not less. BUT they want, and even need, other factors to cooperate with that interest. They need more time for self-care, more romance and conversation, a better self-image, their husband’s exclusive focus (e.g., no porn, no eyeing other women), more foreplay and orgasms.

Think of it as her gear being in the D-drive position, but she can’t let off the clutch if the road ahead is bumpy or blocked. Help her fix the road, and she’ll be better able to engage.

3. Hormones play tricks on her.

Female hormones are wonderful! They are the building blocks for babies—cute, little bundles of joy. And they make women more feminine, sensitive, nurturing, and a bunch of other lovely aspects you gents appreciate about your wives.

But they also wreak havoc at times. For reasons I don’t understand—and would like to ask the Creator about—our hormones can play tricks on us.

We gals have times when we’re simply not interested in sexual activity because our hormones are saying, “Huh-uh. Not happening.”

Other times, we’re interested mentally, emotionally, relationally—and then we get to the bedroom, and all that mental drive isn’t matched by a physiological drive. Our hormones won’t cooperate.

And then, we might hit a surge of hormonal YES and find ourselves primed and ready in a way that we can’t quite explain.

Does every woman face this pendulum swing of hormones? No. But such experiences are all within normal parameters.

(Also, if your wife is on any kind of hormonal treatment—contraception or replacement therapy—she can experience these effects more or less. If your wife has zero desire, you might suggest she discuss that with her doctor.)

Your wife’s drive can be all over the place due to these life-giving, havoc-wreaking hormones. She’d likely appreciate your support as she figures out what’s going on and navigates the changes.

There you go—3 things you should know about your wife’s sex drive:

1. She has one.
2. Her sex drive is context-dependent.
3. Hormones play tricks on her.

Chris will follow up next time with her three sex-drive takeaways, as we help you better understand your complex yet amazing wife!