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Insight and support for Christian husbands
Insight and support for Christian husbands
One quibble on this post. If the woman goes along with certain activities and acts enthusiastic about them just because she thinks she has to, then suddenly changes after marriage, that is highly manipulative and the classic definition of bait and switch.
You basically excuse the practice by saying “well they were just going along because they thought they needed to.” Such actions can create mistrust and anger and make the husband feel trapped. I’m not sure you appreciate how damaging that can be to the marriage relationship from the man’s perspective.
He was led to believe that X would be part of the marriage, only to discover that not only does she not enjoy X, but she really finds it objectionable. He was basically lied to and there is no real remedy for him other than to go along. What man who loves his wife would demand X knowing now that his wife finds it objectionable?
The suggested responses such as working out compromises and showing grace can help, but often fall short when the deception was more serious. As the saying goes, “Oh what a tangled web we weave…” Dishonesty in relationships causes so many problems.
Not every deception is created equal. If she stops taking care of her appearance or he stops wooing her, those kinds of problems can be fixed. They are typically less about true deception and more about laziness. He doesn’t have a fundamental objection to taking her out on dates. He just doesn’t want to make the effort. In a loving relationship he can put in more effort, and she can show some grace. They get past it.
Explaining why something happens is not the same as excusing it. I don’t think it is an intentional deception in most cases.
Let me use oral sex as an example. It was something I did with my husband before marriage. It didn’t occur to me that after marriage I wouldn’t want to do it anymore—but that’s exactly what happened.
Once I was married I was surprised to realize that I suddenly had a hard time with that. It was only then that I recognized that in the past I’d done oral only because I wanted a guy to like me. This was a reflection of my own feelings of self worth. In marriage, I was desperate to know that my husband loved me for ME, not just for a particular sexual thing I could do. In my mind, every time I said no to that was an invitation for my husband to love me anyway. I wanted so much for him to love me even without oral.
We’ve worked through this now, but my husband felt for a long time like there had been a bait-and-switch. My intention had never been to manipulate him. I just wanted to be loved—which is what he wanted as well.
Whether it is manipulation or not, something that looks like a bait-and-switch is usually a reflection of one person’s hurt even as it adds to another person’s hurt.
~Chris
On the night we were married,
Wife:”how did you want to do this?”
Me:”let’s just make out like we usually do, but we won’t stop when it gets too intense”
Wife: “really?”
I thought she was excited and wanted to get straight to sex. I didn’t realize she would never touch me sensually again. In 28 years I have barely been touched below the belt except by me or my doctor. We’ll have physical sex, but no hands involved… Just… Sex. I will climax, and if I’m careful, she will climax, but I feel so isolated.
Thank you for giving me hope. I’m making a promise to myself to talk to her this week. I’m not good at talking.
Oh, Shawn, that’s so sad for both you and her. Saying a prayer for you. And if talking is difficult, another idea is to write down your thoughts and feelings, edit them until you think your letter is both true and gentle, and then ask to talk with her, sit down and present the letter, and open yourself to her questions and responses. For some couples, that can work well; others, not so much. But I thought I’d throw out the idea in case.
– J
I seriously appreciate your prayers. I’m praying for her differently now, and for us. We have a long way to go. I still haven’t talked to her. If I can’t make any words tonight, I’ll take your advice and write things down.
But don’t stop praying.