Why Expressing Gratitude Might Help Your Sex Life

By Chris Taylor

When our kids were in grade school, my husband was transferred to a job in another state. I stayed in our home to finish out the school year, wrap up my job, and get the house ready to put on the market.

For five months, I acted as a single parent. Every other weekend, either we traveled to the new state or he came back home. Being with my husband those days eased the difficulty somewhat, but most of the time, I was on my own.

Getting the house ready was exhausting, especially for someone as tidy-challenged as I am. With three kids, there was always something going on with school or an activity. They were struggling emotionally with the prospect of leaving their friends. I was going through the same thing as I left a job where I’d earned tenure and a great deal of respect.

It was such a hard time for me. I mean really, really hard. I carried all the physical tasks of parenting and household work and almost all the emotional labor.

When we finally moved, my husband felt like life could finally get back to normal. He’d been lonely, and he was happy to be with us again. Meanwhile, I was physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. I needed to process everything I’d just been through. I needed to rest from the burdens I’d been carrying.

At one point I asked him why he’d never thanked me for what I’d done. He looked puzzled and said, “But you were just doing what had to be done.”

I was stunned. Yes, of course I was doing what needed to be done—but it was hard, and I wanted to know that my husband both acknowledged how hard it was and appreciated that I had done it.

What I desperately needed was his support. I needed to know that he was holding me up with his strength when I had just poured out so much of my own. I wanted to know that he was holding me up in prayer.

With the clarity of hindsight, I understand that my husband felt guilty about leaving me with that burden. He was second-guessing whether we’d made the right decision to move and didn’t want me to think that he thought he’d made the wrong choice.

At the time, though, I felt like my own husband didn’t see me or appreciate me. I felt like I was just a prop in his life, and he couldn’t even prop me up for a while. It was one of the hardest times in my life at that point, and I couldn’t even count on my own husband to acknowledge my experience and effort or support me while I replenished myself.

This laid the groundwork for a dark season in our marriage, when I just couldn’t bring myself to want to have sex with my husband? Coincidence? Not at all.

Lack of Appreciation Can Affect a Woman’s Interest in Sex

As a woman, lots of non-sexual stuff affects my sexual interest. The quality of the marriage relationship is probably at the top of the list. Stress is up there, too. When it seems that my husband doesn’t see my effort or appreciate me, I feel very disconnected from him. It dries up the relationship.

The fact that my husband didn’t thank me wasn’t the only factor in our dark season—but it sent such a powerful message to me that when I began to see that our sex life wasn’t great, I didn’t see any point in working on it. Why bother doing anything about sex when the relationship is so broken? I thought.

Over the years, I’ve interacted with several husbands who’ve written at length about their marriages and have referred to their wives doing difficult things.

• Handling all the lawn care and snow removal while he traveled for work.
• Working a fulltime job that had good health insurance because he was a freelancer.
• Quitting her job in order to stay home fulltime with their children.
• Taking over his volunteer commitment when he had a job change.
• Traveling to live with his dying mother for two months because he couldn’t get off work and she could.

I haven’t always been able to figure out why these husbands shared this information with me, but every time, I’ve responded with, “Did you tell your wife thank you for that?”

The responses are usually along the lines of “but it had to be done” or “I shouldn’t have to thank her for doing what a mom is supposed to do” or “what else was she supposed to do?” And then they ask, “What does that even have to do with sex?”

I read those responses and shake my head, because even though that may not be the only reason their sex life is struggling, my guess is that a general lack of appreciation is probably a factor.

It isn’t just a matter of a wife thinking, He didn’t say thank you, so I’m going to withhold sex. That would be petty. This goes deeper.

Most wives want to be seen and valued. They want to know that you see the whole of who she is and what she does. They want to know that you value her for all of her, not just for what is between her legs.

Feeling seen and valued aren’t a guarantee of a good sex life—but NOT feeling seen or valued when she’s done something extra that was difficult? Yeah, that almost guarantees that there will be a relationship problem. And where’s there’s a relationship problem, it’s likely to affect sex.

The Difference Gratitude Makes

Gratitude is a simple thing, but it can have a big impact.

Last year, I did another very hard thing for my husband. I moved with him to his hometown in another state, to live with and care for his elderly father.

Once again, I left people I loved and a life I knew. I left behind our grown kids. I left a beloved church family and came to a village without any of the amenities I had been used to.

While my husband works, I stay home to cook, manage my father-in-law’s medications and diabetes, drive him to appointments, keep him company, and do it all while trying to make it seem like he hasn’t lost his independence or privacy.

This has been incredibly hard. Some days are harder than others, and this house still feels like my late mother-in-law’s, not mine. The furniture and décor are not at all home for me. And I miss my kids.

But you know what else?

My husband has expressed his appreciation many times.

“Thank you for moving here with me.”

“I love watching you with my dad. You’re so good to him.”

“I will never be able to tell you how much I appreciate what you’re doing.”

Every time he says something like this, I feel seen. Acknowledged. Appreciated. Honored.

His words of gratitude nourish me, and they nourish our relationship. They foster emotional connection rather than disconnection.

And friends, those words can go a long way in helping a wife want to have sex.

What About Your Wife?

Has your wife done something difficult for you or for your family?

Whether there was another option or not, if your wife has done something difficult, you can still acknowledge her effort. You can still say, “I know that was hard for you. Thank you for handling that while I was away. I appreciate you.”

Express your appreciation for her and your gratitude for what she has done.

It may not make your wife want to jump right into bed with you, but it will nourish your connection rather than foster disconnection between you—and that is definitely a step in the right direction.