3 More Things Your Wife Hears About Sex

By Chris Taylor

What do wives hear and say about sex when no men are around? Chris lets you in on three messages that wives hear from other women.

A couple weeks ago, J shared four things women hear about sex when men aren’t around:

Sex is a burden.
You should be having sex.
Sex starts with desire.
Sex is fun.

I’d like to let you in on a few more of the conversations women have.

Men Want Women to Look Like a Supermodel and Act Like a Porn Star

I cannot overemphasize how pervasive this message is or how damaging it is to women.

“I need to lose this baby weight or my husband won’t be interested in me anymore.”
“You should always look younger than your actual age so you don’t get traded in for a younger model.”
“To rock your husband’s world, act like a porn star.”
“He has to tell you you’re beautiful because he’s your husband.”

Not only have I actually heard these statements spoken aloud, I’ve also heard this overall message loud and clear from the culture around us.

Is it any wonder that women struggle with body image and worry that they aren’t beautiful or sexy enough?

Many husbands inquire, “Why isn’t it enough for her that I think she’s beautiful?” Well, guys, we are all too aware of our own flaws. We know that we don’t look like a supermodel, and we don’t see ourselves with your eyes.

This message has a couple corollaries as well.

Sex is a performance. We often think you will judge us on the basis of what we wear (or don’t), how much of us you can see, and even our orgasm face.
If we don’t look good enough or act sexy enough, you’re going to look at other women. If you look at other women or actually pursue them, the message is that it must be our fault, not yours.

All Men Want Is Sex … and They Want It All the Time

I can’t count all the times I’ve heard variations of this idea that, to quote one of my former college students, “Men are basically horndogs.”

“Men all have a one-track mind.”
“Men think about sex every three seconds, and if they tell you otherwise, they’re lying.”
“No matter how much tension we have in our marriage, my husband still expects us to have sex.”

Comments like these teach us that our hearts and actions don’t matter; only our bodies do (at least the parts of our bodies that we use for sex). The whole of who we are isn’t what is most important to you. We learn that our husband doesn’t care about emotional intimacy as much as he does his own physical release.

Unfortunately, this message about men also teaches some unspoken lessons about women:

If our husband isn’t interested in sex, it must be because we are unappealing.
If we want sex more than our husband does, we are abnormal.

Sex Is a Weapon …

… and there’s nothing wrong with using it to get your way.

If you’ve ever wondered if your wife has heard this, I’m here to say it’s entirely possible. A woman in my Honeycomb & Spice community mentioned it, and I immediately thought about the times I’ve heard something similar.

“The best way to stop an argument is to take your clothes off in the middle of it.”
“If you want to convince your husband to agree to the vacation destination you want, offer him a blow job.”
“The best time to ask him for something is right after he’s had an orgasm.”

I’ve heard this message from other women because, well, there’s some truth to it. The sexual connection I have with my husband is very powerful. It is tempting to use that power for selfish purposes. And I admit to having done so myself.

Do you see what this message conveys to us, though? We learn that sex is a weapon to be wielded against you, not a tool to draw us closer to you. How messed up is that?

What we hear about sex from other women can have a huge influence on how we view sex and on how we view you.

Ask your wife what messages she’s heard about sex. How have they shaped her views of sex?

Perhaps you might share what messages you’ve heard from other men about sex as well. Conversations about why you believe what you do are a great way for many wives to feel closer to their husbands. What’s not to love about that?

If you’d like some help figuring out how to have these conversations, J’s book Pillow Talk is the perfect resource for you. Among other great content, the second chapter is even titled “What We Learned About Sex.”