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Insight and support for Christian husbands
Insight and support for Christian husbands
I, along with many other young husbands, was told by a pastor that if we cherished our wives, helped around the house, were active in our kids lives, had lots of loving non-sexual touch, shared activities and listened to her, that a natural response would be a fulfilling sexual relationship. In my case and in other men I have talked to, the choreplay and the sex are not at all related. I do think it makes us better husbands, but i wish that I wouldn’t have spent 20 years hoping that this concept would work.
That is a common theme that has been told to many husbands, and it feels like you’ve been lied to when it doesn’t work. I do wonder at times at how we overstate our own ability to make someone else do something, as if God didn’t give all of us free will. We have influence, but there are no guarantees. That said, loving like 1 Corinthians 13 certainly puts us in a better position to realize a good marriage and sexual intimacy, and regardless puts us in good standing with our own conscience and our God.
Hoping you do find what works! We’ll be here to give some more ideas as we go. Praying! ~J
No. No it doesn’t. I dont really cook, i do try. But I always do the dishes, 90%of the laundry, inc. sheets and bedding. I vacuum and cleanup all the time. I get LESS EVERYTHING, except grief about not doing enuff or doing it right.
It sounds like a conversation about unrealistic expectations might be in order. You might appeal to your desire to be respected and trusted to complete the tasks. Praying for you! ~J
Yeah, I have to agree this doesn’t work for me either. Just get the occassional thank you for doing so much. Which is weird because her main love language is acts of service. The only thing I have found that absolutely turns my wife on and gets her in the mood for sex is a holiday away from the kids. That’s it.
That situation always frustrates me for men, because you love and don’t want to resent your kids, of course, but then if their arrival is what killed your wife’s libido… Anyway, I just have empathy for the situation some husbands find themselves in.
Mind you, I have no idea how involved your wife and you each are with the kids, so take this with that in mind, but my husband getting more involved in daily tasks with the kids helped me relax more, and, even more importantly, we got into a babysitting co-op that gave us much-needed alone time with each other. Of course, during a pandemic is probably not the best time to find a co-op, but swapping with another trusted couple or getting extended family to watch the kids sometimes might help.
Blessings! ~J
Just my $.02; I NEVER resented my daughter for “killing” my wife’s libido-she never had a libido anyway, at least not once the vows were said and the ring was on.
Even more important though, I LOVED spending time with my daughter; stroller rides around the neighborhood, tea parties on the front porch-you name it. Apparently I’m a failure as a husband; my wife has made that abundantly clear over the years, but I am a GREAT father. It’s my proudest accomplishment. One of a literal “handful” of things I’ve done right in this world.
Thanks for that, Alan! I didn’t mean to imply that fathers resent their children; just that it’s a frustrating situation if their arrival coincided with a lack of sex. (I worded that poorly.) Once again, I’m reminded by your comment how important and treasured good fathers are! ~ J
I agree that this truly doesn’t work. Many years ago i was out of work and had been told if you helped around the house i would be in the mood more often. So i started doing more and more of the work. It got to the point where i did all the cooking, laundry, cleaning, yard work, running errands, and everything else. She just watched more TV. The sex never increased if anything it got to be less.
What do you mean by “doesn’t work”? Because when husbands hear “choreplay,” they often think in terms of “do chores, get sex,” but we’re pretty clear that that’s not what we mean.
Also, helping around the house should work in tandem with other good relationship ideas; for example, boundaries. If one spouse is being taken advantage of, they have every right and reason to calmly stop that cycle.
Interesting framing.
You’re “partnering” with your spouse but setting the agenda…
Not really partnering.
Ideally, spouses should communicate and set the agenda together. Genuine partnership might not look the same in all marriages.
I speak from experience that chores and honey-do lists have Nothing to do with intimacy! Fact!!
Oh sure, you’ll read about it. Hear it expressed in TV but nope!
Although you’ve done everything under the sun she WILL most assuredly complain about something. I’ve never met a married woman who doesn’t complain in the same ways.
Because you’re a reasoning person you’ll actually contemplate what you could do to make things better – to please her.
Such a shame because you won’t be able to. You will never add up. Never measure up. You will never even be good enough.
Been married nearly 34 years…. nothing has changed. It went from just OK the first year to not very good… to bad… to numb.
That’s married life!! It will never ever change.
Oh sure for a season maybe but it pass.
Nearly everyday for the past three decades I wish I wouldn’t have married.
I see other guys going through the exact same things.
Welcome to emasculation!
Okay, I totally buy that choreplay doesn’t work for everyone. I think we’ve been pretty open about that, and it’s certainly not a tit-for-tat situation where doing chores = getting sex. Choreplay has a more atmospheric and long-term benefit. However, saying that it’s “fact” it doesn’t work ignores how many couples say it has worked for them.
Saying that you’ve “never met a married woman who doesn’t complain in the same ways” makes me think you haven’t talked to enough women, and you certainly haven’t heard from all the happy husbands we hear from.
“Because you’re a reasoning person you’ll actually contemplate what you could do to make things better – to please her.” I’m glad that’s true for you, but it’s not true for every marriage, and many times a husband, in trying to do things that please her, may be doing things that don’t have the impact he expects, because other things speak to heart instead.
“That’s married life!! It will never ever change.” Actually, my marriage changed drastically, from bad to good, and my email inbox contains great stories too! Are there guarantees? No. But it’s not simply “married life” that things never get better. For many couples, they do.
“Welcome to emasculation!” A lot of husbands feel even more confident in their manhood with their marriage. I wish that was true for all husbands!
I’m saddened that your experience has been so difficult and discouraging, and I genuinely wish that things would turn around for you…tomorrow. I also know that marriage can be a good thing, and trying to say it’s never good can be an attempt to console ourselves in desperate situations. If we believe that it could be better — that it could be really great — but it’s not, then we can feel even more disappointed. As if our spouse or the universe is simply against us personally.
I don’t believe that to be true, but the feelings are very real. It’s okay to lament, to grieve, to ache for what isn’t right now. But please know that God did create marriage to bless us, and most wives are not terrible people. Nor are husbands terrible people! (Believe me, I push back against women railing against men too, as if they’re all awful. They’re most certainly not.)
Praying for you. ~ J