By Chris Taylor
Sexual timing is about far more than the times of the day or month when you have sex. It’s about how things proceed during sex.
Let me share an experience from my own marriage.
My husband told me he was looking forward to doing a particular something to me during an upcoming sexual encounter.
“That sounds good,” I said. “Will you please wait until I ask for it? If you do it too soon, it doesn’t feel as good as it does when I’m really ready.”
He agreed—but then when we were having sex, he moved on to the particular something before I asked for it and before I was ready. It didn’t feel good, and I was a little hurt that he hadn’t honored my request.
When I brought up the subject later, his response was to point out that because I hadn’t asked for it, he figured I’d forgotten—so he decided to proceed.
“That’s right,” I said. “I hadn’t asked for it—yet.”
I had needed more time than he’d given me, and it hadn’t felt particularly good.
This story illustrates two aspects of sexual timing that can have a big impact on a woman’s sexual experience—pacing and readiness.
Pacing
Sex can happen way too fast for many wives. “Just as I was getting into it, he finished and we were done,” they will say. “I enjoy all the build-up, and not just because it helps me get to an orgasm.”
Women often have a responsive sexual desire. Their desire to have sex and to fully enjoy it may happen only after their bodies have begun to experience arousal. It can take time to shut down all the things in her mind and then get her mind and body sexually in sync with each other.
J once wrote a post in which she says of women that “our brains have to be aroused and our bodies stimulated to readiness. And that may take a while.”
If your wife has said that sex happens too fast, if she frequently says for you to orgasm and just skip her, or if she is still sexually frustrated when you’re wonderfully sated, it may be that your sexual encounters are happening more quickly than she needs.
What can you do?
Gentlemen, slow your engines.
While there is nothing wrong with quickies, make sure your sex life includes longer encounters as well.
Spend a while on one area or activity before proceeding to the next. If you include background music as part of your lovemaking, you can use the songs to help you set a slower pace. Do non-sexual touching and kissing for at least three songs. Then spend at least two songs’ worth of time on her breasts. Or don’t move below her breasts until the Barry White song is finished. And so on, and so on. Your mileage will vary depending on your wife’s preferences and what music you’re listening to.
If you aren’t into music, you can use a timer on your phone (with a sexy sounding alarm, please). If you and your wife already use a television as background noise, you could let television commercials signal you when you can move on. Or let your wife set the pace for your sexual encounter.
Readiness
Another kind of sexual timing that affects women is doing an activity too soon in the encounter, before her mind and body are prepared.
In particular, quite a few wives have shared with me that having their genitals touched (by manual or oral stimulation) too early can feel irritating, ticklish, or even painful.
Some women feel that way about certain kinds of touch on their breasts as well. For example, early in an encounter they may do fine with caressing and kissing, but stronger touches or suckling might be painful rather than arousing.
What can you do?
Pay attention to your wife.
Before moving from one area or activity to another, check with her to see if she would like to proceed or if she’d like you continue what you’ve been doing for a while longer.
Learn your wife’s body. If she says she needs to be really aroused before she enjoys receiving oral sex, learn what it looks like for your wife to be really aroused. What do her genitals look like? How is her breathing? Does she move her body around? Does she lie still and close her eyes?
Surprisingly, her natural lubrication may not be an accurate sign of her arousal or readiness. She may be very lubricated but not sufficiently aroused or ready. Likewise, she may be very ready but not have much lubrication (in which case artificial lubricant comes to the rescue!).
Watch this video
Several years ago, J shared this very funny video about the differences between men and women when it comes to touch. The whole thing is quite funny, but be sure to watch all the way to the end.
The key to sexual timing is, as the video says, to get your wife to the point where she is begging you to “touch the bits, touch the bits.”
The video is hilarious – because it’s true.
Your wife needs to be touched 10 times a day non sexually.
Women want to be touched all over, (and men don’t generally understand that!), whereas men generally want to be touched just in one place (which women don’t understand)
I must say as I get older I also like being touched all over and my wife only likes being touched on her back…
Sorry ladies,
I have to call foul on this one. (Wanting to be touched 10 times a day) My wife is of the OPINION that ANY TOUCH, ANY WHERE (on body or location wise) is “sexual” or innapropriate touch. Even jerks HAND away if I try to hold her hand. Like to help her out of the car. Or to try to stay together in a press of people or crowd or something. Try to rub her shoulders, or back and it will be met with NOT INTERESTED, DON’T DO THAT! or even more nasty. Even though NOT ONE SINGLE sexual encounter has ever started this way in our entire, now 36 year, marriage.
And STILL THIS WAY.
I have even “taken over” a foot rub and instead of “thank you” or ANY positive comment I get a “Not happening”.
None of these comments are necessary because, believe me, I have been thoroughly “trained” to know that it is NEVER going to happen on my terms. Or to ever meet any need I might have in this “marriage”.
Sex is only something for manipulation and control.
Cannot be any sexual “intimacy” if there isn’t even any sex. HA!
She says SHE doesn’t care about intimacy. Has never asked ME anything unless she was scheming for something. And whatever answers I have ever given will be used against me later when she can use it to her advantage for something.
She, on the other hand, never reveals anything. Try to pin her down on even the simplest thing and she will run. Or tell you what she thinks you want to hear like she did BEFORE we got married. (What she calls it) I call it lying.
This doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship for either of you. Why do you stay? And why does she? After so many years, it would be hard to say what struggles were brought into the marriage and what struggles grew out of the marriage. Clearly, though, something isn’t working right. You say there cannot be sexual intimacy if there isn’t any sex. It’s also fair to say that there cannot be sexual intimacy if there isn’t any other intimacy–and it definitely seems that there is none. What have you done to seek support for yourself in dealing with this pain? Even if your wife doesn’t want to see a marriage counselor, you could probably use someone to help you cope.
Why does he stay? Why does she stay? If his situation is anything like mine (and it is), here’s why:
1.) The church forbids divorce except for adultery (she’s not even having sex with me, much less anyone else, but if I were to commit adultery:
2.) She would get the house that is in her name.
3.) She would get a HUGE chunk of my income “for the duration”
Why does she stay?
1.) She controls the when, where, how, how long, why, etc. She’s comfortable in her rejection of me. Why would she give up all that power and control?
2.) She believes that if she holds out long enough, I’ll slip and give in and have an affair, which leads to…you guessed it-divorce!
She will be the “injured party;” the betrayed spouse” and no one, and I mean NO ONE would believe my side of the story.
That’s why.
I have a quite different take on the “God hates divorce” verse. I see it not as saying that divorce is a sin but that God hates seeing His children hurting. A divorce doesn’t break a marriage as much as it expresses that a marriage has already been broken.
~Chris
Wow; this spoke to me. I had not considered that. I have been hurt and angry and lonely and undesired/undesirable for so long,
Not sure yet I’m totally on board with your take on the matter but wow; food for thought. Thank you.
Just to add my two cents: That’s how I read the verse as well, that God doesn’t want divorce to be our way of life because of the pain it causes His children. Just for background, I’m the only one from my family of origin who has not been through a divorce, and what I’ve observed is how much heartache the breakup of a marriage causes, both to the parties involved and any children of that marriage. But it’s not the moment when it becomes legally final that really seals that rift; as Chris said, the marriage vows were almost always broken before that moment. And sometimes, staying in a terrible marriage (like one with abuse) is a much worse option than letting go. ~ J
Are you sure we’re not married to the same woman?