Chris Taylor
Are you among the many husbands who love, love, love giving their wives oral sex?
The taste and smell are intoxicating. She is open and vulnerable to you. Her orgasms are powerful, and you get to witness her sexual pleasure in a very up-close-and-personal way.
For you, oral sex on your wife is intimate and wonderful. And plenty of Christian wives agree!
However, for some wives, receiving oral sex is more “no way, baby” than “oh yeah, baby.”
Why do some wives dislike receiving oral sex?
A few years ago I wrote a series at The Forgiven Wife about this very thing. A survey of my readers revealed quite a few reasons some wives don’t like to receive oral sex.
It doesn’t feel emotionally intimate to her. She wants to be able to kiss you or look into your eyes.
She is self-conscious about her smell and taste. What you find wonderfully intoxicating is embarrassing to her.
You are seeing her so up-close. If she has any body image struggles involving her vulva or tummy, knowing that all those parts are right at eye level for you can make it hard for her to relax and enjoy.
She takes too long to reach an orgasm. She may be worried that your jaw or neck will get tired before she is aroused and stimulated enough to have an orgasm. She may even feel pressured to have an orgasm, and this pressure can interfere with her ability to reach climax.
She dislikes having all the sexual attention only on her. Women grow up with many negative messages about sex and their sexuality. They may not even realize that sex is for wives as much as it is for husbands. A sexual act that is only about her sexual pleasure might feel wrong or weird to her.
She’s had negative experiences with oral sex. If she carries shame from premarital sex that included oral sex for her, if you’ve ever given her oral sex when she said she didn’t want to, if she developed an infection after receiving oral sex, or if she found it uncomfortable in the past, she may want to avoid receiving oral sex so she can avoid feeling that way again.
She feels pressured to return the favor. If she doesn’t enjoy giving you oral sex, she may want to avoid receiving it so she doesn’t feel obligated to do the same for you.
It doesn’t feel good. Many women say that oral sex feels ticklish or irritating if their husbands get started before they are sufficiently aroused. (Important tip: The timing of sexual stimulation can make a huge difference for women.) If you have used your teeth on her tender bits or have given her whisker burn, that might be a factor as well.
How can you help her?
If your wife really doesn’t want to receive oral sex, then the best thing may be to just let it go. Your wife wants to know that she is more important to you than any particular sexual activity.
However, if she has indicated that she is willing to work toward including this in your lovemaking more often, you may want to ask her if any of the ideas below would help. (The first two suggestions come directly from women in my online community for wives.)
- Communicate about what you want, and why. Then listen to what your wife has to say about what she wants and why.
- Gently probe your wife’s reasons for not wanting to receive oral sex. A belief that it is biblically prohibited requires a different approach than does lingering trauma from past sexual assault.
- Include a lot of kissing and touching that she does enjoy so oral sex is only a small part of your sexual encounter.
- Encourage her to shower or bathe before she comes to bed.
- Adjust the lighting to a dimmer setting, or use only candles.
- Shave or trim your facial hair ahead of time so she doesn’t get whisker burn.
- Agree to not request oral sex from her during the same encounter when she is receiving oral sex.
- Ask her about when during sex oral feels the best to her.
- Tell her how much you love the view, taste, and smell of her.
- Work your way up to giving her oral sex over a period of weeks. Start by resting your face on her tummy or leg while you stimulate her with your hands. Then occasionally blow across her vulva while you’re doing this. When she’s comfortable with that, kiss her vulva (without using your tongue). Then add occasional licks. Give her a chance to get comfortable with each step before moving onto the next one.
- Offer to try different positions. (Check out Awaken Love’s Oral Sex for Your Wife at the Edge of the Bed for one idea.)
If your wife wants to read more from Christian wives about receiving oral sex, invite her to check out these blog posts:
To Drink of Spice Wine – The Forgiven Wife
Its Choicest Fruits – The Forgiven Wife
Blow Upon My Garden – The Forgiven Wife
Of Garden, Fragrance, and Fruit – The Forgiven Wife
The Oral Sex Page – Intimacy in Marriage
The Challenges of Enjoying Oral Sex – Awaken Love
J. Parker also has a full chapter on oral sex in her book, Hot, Holy & Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design.
Thanks for this post. I’ve struggled over the years with coming to grips with this exact issue. It’s been especially tough to read frequent comments on various blogs of wives who would love nothing more than a willing husband… All the while I was not just willing, but desirous of this and my wife was not interested. It often made me feel that something was horribly wrong – or worse – that she did want to receive oral sex, but just not from me. Because in the few times it happened, she always physically enjoyed it – but was really emotionally not into it.
She has voiced multiple points from the list posted. We’ve worked to address them, but the bottom-line was that while she found it physically enjoyable much of the time, she also just had a hang-up over it that almost always far overshadowed the pleasure. As a guy and a problem solver by nature, I just don’t get that at all.
What I needed was to accept that she had found peace in not pursuing that act of pleasure. That’s something I still don’t really understand, but I’m learning to accept and this post helps. Thanks.
As you’ll see in another post here, the physical experience of an orgasm doesn’t necessarily mean that your wife enjoyed the experience. It really can be hard for women to let go of hang-ups, even when they WANT to do so.
Why do women analyze so much about pleasure? For a man to preform oral sex is very enjoyable to the man. A man performing oral sex will always want the woman to enjoy the ability for that woman to achieve as many organisms as possible.
I can’t speak for all women, but I analyze everything. Not just sex. It’s just the way some of our minds work!
~ J