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Insight and support for Christian husbands
Insight and support for Christian husbands
Thank you!
I feel like me “ asking for sex” allows her have the upper hand and gives her the final word. I would love to be a part of the decision not on the receiving end on the last word- like I’m one of the kids:(
I love the “I need you (instead of sex)” “ I feel so close to you(Afterwards)! “ “ what would help you get in the mood”
Thank you for your posts, resources, podcasts!!
Appreciate you.
Why should the husband have to ask for sex? Shouldn’t his wife already desire to have sex with him. desire (as opposed to arousal).
He should not have to be a dog begging to get a treat, and the wife in the veto power of control authority.
Asking for permission seems to set the dynamic to be a subservient and master relationship, rather than an equal co-partner in the sharing of the most intimate thing God created between a husband and wife.
If a question is asked, that means someone else has the power to deny. And The person asking is always subservient to the person who is asked.
To me. Any spouse that has to reaort to asking for sex means one of two things.
1) there is already been sexual deprivation that has occurred
2) the one asking is addicted to sex
I suppose there is a 3rd and that things are crazy and someone lost priority. But really that is just a cause that results in #1
In a healthy marriage, why wouldn’t you ask about all kinds of things? “Wanna watch a movie tonight?” “I was thinking we could eat dinner out. What do you think?” “Can we talk?” “How about a back rub?” “Wanna get naked?”
I don’t see how asking for sex varies from all kinds of other requests we make in a solid, committed marriage. It doesn’t mean that one spouse doesn’t have sexual interest or desire if they didn’t think of it at the exact same time as the other spouse. It’s okay that one goes ahead and suggests something.
Also, it’s realistic to recognize that few couples have the exact same level of sexual desire. Some have an independent drive that appears fairly frequently, some are more responsive to arousal, and some fall on any number of points on the continuum. Why not simply recognize that and address how to foster sexual intimacy within that paradigm?
All of that to say: It’s not our intention to make anyone have to beg for sex. Of course not! Sex should be an ongoing, important part of any marriage relationship. But simply posing something as a question isn’t the same as giving someone all the power; rather, it’s, well, life.
Thank you, ladies, for the great insight! As someone who has been following your advice for years, I still need that reminder to take it slow, be less direct, start early, etc. One request/piece of advice that I can offer do I have in return is this: if your husband is sometimes guilty of asking for sex directly like the examples, that is how you could make him feel loved. I can’t imagine something making me feel more desired/loved than my wife whispering in my ear ”I am so horny and I want you right now!” or grabbing my “package” and saying ”I want some of that later/soon/now!”
Believe me, we tell that wives! I have absolutely told wives to go the other way with their hubbies and be assertive and obvious with flirtation and sexual initiation. Great tip! ~ J
I think your ministry is great and can see that it would be very helpful for most marriages. Unfortunately in my marriage my wife has complete control of our sex life because she does not like sex and has openly stated that she has no need for it and only does it out of marital obligation. That typically means it can happen when we have not had sex for what she feels is a reasonable amount of time, there are no other stresses and distractions, and it can happen within a timeframe that will not interrupt her sleep schedule. To put it in perspective, about a week ago, during our evening talk time, I actually proposed that we have sex that evening (I had not initiated in a long time but had gotten some courage from your site). She scolded me for not bringing it up earlier and let me know how it would disrupt her sleep. She actually agreed after all of that but she insisted it be quick, and I actually ended up wearing a condom (I had a vasectomy 13 years ago) so she would not be bothered with any cleanup after. We were done and lights out by 10:30pm. We had nothing going on that evening or the next day. No work, appointments, etc. Could have slept til noon if we wanted. Two days later she stayed up til midnight to make an egg bake. Was not for anything except our immediate family for breakfast the next day. As you might imagine, this leaves me feeling that intimacy with me ranks somewhere between absolutely nothing and making eggs. For a man, that is a devastating thing to live with on a daily basis. I would love to be able to ask and get something besides reprimand or the long, annoyed sigh that I’ve typically gotten.
I am sorry. As a woman who used to be very much like your wife, I will say that this view of sex does not come from a place of joy. As you pray about this, I encourage you to pray for your wife to feel joy and love in her heart. It might be a place for her to start growing toward intimacy.
TB, I can empathize with your situation. My wife and I have been together nearly 20 years. She has been less than interested in sex (though not as bad as your situation) for many years, mostly due to work stress, emotional issues, poor communication (I’m definitely half of this one) and as we are recently learning together — her deep, unresolved sexual trauma from childhood. Prayer can be a helpful comfort, yes, but in my experience the healing avenues should not end there by any means. I would suggest that you both go to a qualified marriage counselor who is trained/experienced in dealing with sexual issues as well. Ask on the phone or in an email to ensure the counselor knows this will be on the table. If you don’t like the answer, keep looking.
I found that the website for Psychology Today lists providers by zipcode (but don’t let zipcode limit you, zoom calls are easy as we are all learning) and includes bios to make it easier to find a match. Insurance is a pain to deal with, but just take it in stride. It may also take a long time in counseling to get to the actual “Why is our sex life lacking” part, but consider all this as an investment in your marriage and peace of mind. It may also take a few different counselors to find one that clicks for you both. We are on our third counselor (seeing this one for a year now) since 2014. The other two we saw for about 3 months, and 9 months, respectively. We are only now starting to get some appreciable breakthroughs. Try not to be discouraged. Work together and stay positive.
Sexual intimacy problems are often a symptom of much bigger issues going on for one or both partners, so another caveat: I wouldn’t necessarily advertise to your wife that “sex” is the reason for the couples counseling. This could make her feel threatened and/or even offended, especially if she has unresolved trauma. And, you may both realize that each of you do (or don’t do) certain other things outside the bedroom…and when you both correct those, the sex issue may possibly resolve itself. Or at least improve so you can keep working at increased intimacy, inside and outside the bedroom. Always look inward for ways you can be a better husband as well, especially when that is a challenge. The real work (and progress) happens in those places.
Counseling is not easy but if you both take it to heart, it can lead to huge breakthroughs across every facet of your marriage. At very least, it will make you a better communicator. I’d also recommend getting some books on successful marriage communication. Schnarch and Gottman are good starting points, but find those that speak to you both, no matter the author. Hitting podcasts like KHS and others can also lead to better mutual empathy and understanding. There are lots to choose from out there. Good luck to you and God bless your marriage.
Thank you for taking the time to share your experience and some encouragement.
Sounds like there’s WAY more that turns her off than turns her on. In other words DON’T say or do anything that alludes to the physical act of sex. DON’T touch her in a sexual way. DON’T say you want to have sex. DON’T do anything until the time is right. DON’T be naked in front of her. DO couch your words in nonsexual terms. DO more things that are nonsexual. DO as much as you can to keep the act of sex out of her head. The female mind when it comes to sex is so confusing, but it certainly explains why so many women don’t care for it.
I wouldn’t say that there’s more that is a turn-off than that is a turn-on. It’s more that her sexual interest is influenced by many factors. There’s a lot that has to do with context, too, and we didn’t get into that in our episode. If my husband and I are having sex very frequently, I respond differently to groping and sexual words than I do if it’s been a very long time and I need to feel reconnected to him.
What’s important is this: find out what helps your wife feel connected to you, and do more of that. When she feels connected to you, sexual interest is easier for her.