By Chris Taylor
Many men enjoy adventure. They want to do new things and challenge themselves. They enjoy the confidence and the feeling of achievement.
This is true not just with life in general, but also when it comes to sex with their wives.
Sharing new sexual activities can be very good for couples. It introduces us to new pleasurable sensations and helps us enjoy the fullness of sexual freedom that God has given us in our marriages. Shared experiences build intimacy. The ability to grow sexually makes it easier to adapt as our bodies and our lives change over time.
Sexual adventure and spice can benefit us—but not everyone is a fan.
While sometimes it is the wife who desires more variety and spice, both husbands and wives tell me that husbands tend to be the ones who want more sexual adventure: more sexual positions, a larger repertoire of sexual activities, and more spice in general.
Meanwhile, their wives are more interested in vanilla sex than in adding spice.
Why vanilla?
When we talk about vanilla sex, we’re talking about sex that has a small number of positions and locations (such as missionary, woman-on-top, bed, and bedroom floor), includes a limited variety with nothing that is too “out there.” Vanilla sex might mean kissing, touching, oral, and penetration, in mostly the same way every time.
If your wife is a vanilla sex kind of gal, why is that? Why doesn’t she get as excited about new sexual ideas as you do?
- On a very practical level, women’s sexual response can be a bit finicky. If we find something that works for us, it’s a relief. If we try something new and it doesn’t work for us, it can be hard to get back into things.
- Sometimes it’s hard for us to relax during sex and focus on what our bodies are feeling. When we are distracted by the logistics and sensations of something new, it’s even more difficult.
- Sex that is familiar helps us feel comfortable and secure. For women who have experienced sexual pain, discomfort, or trauma, this is vital. We need to feel safe in order to enjoy sex. Familiarity helps us feel safe.
- We wonder where he got the idea. It’s common for a wife to wonder if her husband got the idea for something new by watching porn or if he wants to recreate a sexual encounter he once had with another woman. The suggestion makes her worry that he is thinking about some other woman rather than about her.
- We’re afraid of what will be next. This thing might be okay, but if I do this, then he’ll want to move on to something else, and what if that thing isn’t okay? He always suggests something new, which means he’s never happy with what we do. He’s never going to be happy. I’ll never be enough. Guys, this one’s important. When you suggest a new sexual idea to your wife, she may feel inadequate—and she might think that your desire for something different signals dissatisfaction with the things you already do.
How can you invite her to more?
If you want sexual adventure and your wife wants vanilla, you can do some things to help her feel more comfortable with the idea of trying more.
- Learn to enjoy vanilla sex. I’m not telling you to give up on your desires for stallion style and oral sex—but learn to enjoy what your wife enjoys. Vanilla may not be spicy, but it IS a flavor in its own right. If your wife is able to enjoy vanilla sex, then relish in her enjoyment and rejoice that you can share that experience together.
- Help her become comfortable with changing things up without adding spice. Make very small adjustments from time to time, like putting your heads at the foot of the bed or kissing her body from top to bottom rather than from bottom to top. This can help her become comfortable with doing things differently without the stress of doing something completely different.
- Be considerate of your wife in suggesting new positions and activities. How you bring up new ideas can make it easier or harder for your wife to be comfortable with your suggestions.
- Ask her how and when she would like you to make a suggestion. Would she prefer that you bring it up outside the bedroom, or would she prefer that you mention it during sex after she’s had an orgasm?
- Remember that your wife’s orgasm doesn’t mean she enjoyed the new activity. If she says she didn’t enjoy something, contradicting her and telling her that she did so enjoy it (just because she had an orgasm) is likely to push her away from being willing to try it again.
- When you try something new, give her a chance to become comfortable and confident with it before suggesting something else. This might mean that you wait several months before suggesting the next idea.
- Be sure that most of your sexual encounters are the vanilla that she enjoys. It’s good that she continue to enjoy sex, and being able to trust you to not push helps build her sense of security with you.
- Be loving in how you talk about the new thing you just did. When you talk about your spicy new sexual encounter later, be sure to mention that you feel closer to her by sharing something new with her. If your wife craves emotional connection, help her understand that you love her just as much whether your sex is spicy or vanilla.
Thank you. Very helpful! Now just got to try to implement…that’s harder.
Blessings!
When you wrote “Vanilla sex might mean kissing, touching, oral, and penetration, in mostly the same way every time.” I was thinking “that sounds like what we are doing and it is pretty spicy.”
If there are flavors that we can include that will elevate more excitement, we are always game.
My spouse has really bad knees from a work related injury years ago, falling from a stool working behind a computer, so we don’t experiment with positions that she use to like to do.
I do want to learn more about additional flavors, as long as it stays within the emotional and physical boundaries of her desires.
The heads to the foot of the bed idea sounds fun! We have wondered what it would be like to have a round bed,, haha Our kids would be shocked if one of the bedrooms had a round one.
Spiciness is relative–and even if it’s vanilla, that doesn’t mean it isn’t hot!
We’ve found that as our bodies have aged, there are some positions and activities that simply don’t work well for us anymore. The trick is to use that change as an invitation to creativity. Sounds like that’s what you’re doing if you’re thinking about a round bed.
I married an alien.
Didn’t we all? ~J
Fantastic insight. Thank you for the article. My wife just a few weeks ago said, “I (my wife) like normal sex.” **** You’re right. Just because it is vanilla it doesn’t mean it’s not hot. Still, it did hurt my pride somewhat because I got the message to put the brakes on exploring new things. So I’ll take your suggestion to go slower with any kind of change and really enjoy the hot vanilla.
So husbands need to shut up and be happy with what they get. Got it!
Nope. This post includes the suggestion of learning to fully appreciate vanilla sex—not as a goal in itself, but as a step to help her feel more comfortable with the idea of trying more.
The vanilla sex IS good. No doubt. But > 20 years of nothing but (or 99.999%) missionary, in the bedroom (bed), at relatively the same times is… VERY vanilla. We’ve probably had sex NOT in our bed— I’d say fewer than 30 times in 20 years.
No oral (either way). Manual stimulation (only for her) half the time.
Any suggestion or expressed desire beyond that—regardless of how gently it’s presented— is met with subtle sneers and the notion that I’m never satisfied, and that she will “never be enough for [me].” or “can’t you just be content with what you have?”
I have pondered the difference between contentment and complacency. Wondering if “being content” can be a convenient cover for “not willing to try to grow or change”.
Does my desire for more than the list above seem like discontentment?
What you describe is both disappointing and frustrating. I’m sad that you’ve gone through that. What I often hear husbands (or higher desire wives) conveying when they want to expand their lovemaking repertoire is they want to experience something fresh and fun WITH their beloved spouse. Vanilla can be great most of the time, but a bit of chocolate syrup or a few sprinkles from time to time would be nice. Just wanted to say that I hear you, I get it…at least a little bit. Praying for you! ~ J
This post is really great. Sometimes it is hard for me to understand the vanilla taste, so, thanks for reminding this!
Resentment growing…
I sympathize with your grief. But may I suggest this post? Are You Bitter in Your Marriage? So Was I.
~ J