Yeah, we know, hubbies—you typically want to start intercourse before we do.
He’s Ready, She’s Not
A young to middle-aged man can achieve erection in mere seconds.* It may take a little longer to get the fullness required for intercourse with his wife. However, it’s still not a long process. In most marriages, the husband could engage in penis-in-vagina (PIV) sex within a few minutes of initiation.
*Men who struggle with erectile dysfunction require additional time, stimulation, and/or medication. If that’s an issue in your marriage, check out Chris’s article on erectile problems on her site.
Meanwhile, the average time required for a woman to be ready for penetration? Self-reports say around 10 minutes, but plenty of wives require 20-30 minutes of foreplay before engaging in intercourse.
Are You Frustrated?
Gender differences in sexual intimacy can make us sometimes wonder who came up with those ideas. May I suggest that God has both a sense of humor and a desire for us to learn how to serve one another with joy and patience?
But patience may not be your go-to virtue when you’re raring to go. Your Mini-Me has his own view of the situation, and he’s none too happy having to wait.
Guess what? Your wife may be frustrated too! Plenty of wives have told me they wish they could go from zero to sixty in seconds flat, or at least less time than it takes.
It Takes What It Takes
Many wives experience annoyance or guilt about the length of time it takes for them to be ready for PIV sex. Not only do they need substantial foreplay, they often need time to even entertain the idea of sex, to shut down distractions vying for their attention, and to ready their minds for sexual intimacy.
Even after they’ve said let’s go!, hubby may yet need to woo, kiss, caress, lick, etc. a while before intercourse can happen. And the moves that worked well last night might not work tonight. Because…well, hormones.
Regardless, your wife is simply not ready for intercourse until she’s fully lubricated and her inner vaginal lips are 2-3 times their original size. It takes the time it takes.
And Then There’s Orgasm
One more reason a wife might put her husband off from entry is that PIV sex on its own is unlikely to result in climax for her. Some wives don’t achieve orgasm through intercourse at all, and others have an easier time orgasming during intercourse if they’ve already had an orgasm through foreplay.
If you want her to reach climax—and we hope both she and you both prioritize her having an orgasm most times—then you have to hold off and help her get there. The other option is you helping her orgasm after PIV sex, but oftentimes a husband is a bit worn out by then and doesn’t engage quite as fervently.
How Much Is Enough?
The question remains: How much foreplay does she need? Well, the timing is affected by many contributors.
- Her particular physiology
- That time of the month
- Her busyness, fatigue, body image, etc. (whatever makes it difficult to shift mentally)
- The emotional health of your relationship
- Her ability to express what she wants sexually
- Your willingness to give her what she needs/wants
- Your shared goals for orgasm
- Some other reason here. I don’t know what it is, but a myriad of factors can impact her arousal and readiness.
You may wish it were different, and she may agree, but the upshot is that it’s likely to take her longer than it takes you.
But You Can Enjoy Foreplay
No lecture here about foreplay, but rather a recognition that God made men pretty awesome—in that husbands tend to receive genuine satisfaction from turning their wives on.
Moreover, loving, Christian husbands take this a step further and see it as their God-given duty and privilege to bring their wives to the point of longing for that one-flesh moment of intercourse.
Personally the journey is so much more enjoyable for me than the ending (not that the ending is not amazing!) But getting to spend time with her and her body! Nothing better than long foreplay.
I wish my wife would want more foreplay. She rarely does. I mean sometimes she wants me to kiss her all over and I love that. But it’s rare. Often she just wants me to enter fast. It has even happened that she wants me to go in there while she is dry and then she gets more turned on after awhile. I wouldn’t complain if she wanted more foreplay. I can sometimes also need a little more time so it would feel good. Also I want the sex to last longer. Not just the PIV moment but the whole thing so foreplay is great in that way. A reason I think things are this way is that we rarely have time for more than quickies. With kids it’s difficult to do anything else.
So I don’t know how to solve that. I guess that’s why sex only happens when she really is in the mood because it’s easier for her. I wish I could make her get in the mood with foreplay but as things look now it’s difficult.
Also she doesn’t seem to understand how the female body works always. Like why women don’t feel in the mood and so on. I have learned a lot with marriage blogs like yours but I am afraid to kind of “mansplaining” how her body works so I avoid doing that. And she doesn’t really like reading marriage blogs so it’s difficult.
You said: “It has even happened that she wants me to go in there while she is dry and then she gets more turned on after awhile.” First off, I cannot imagine that her being dry is pleasurable for either of you, but I’m also surprised that she gets more turned on after that. I agree that she needs a better understanding of her body. I wonder if she would watch a short video with you. In our wives’ podcast webinar titled Understanding Your Drive, Bonny Burns goes into a lot of detail about female anatomy and sexual response. Another webinar on Foreplay gives a lot of detail on what gets her revved up. Maybe she’d give that a go? They’re each around 35 minutes and only $5.
YEah it doesnt feel very good when we do that. I prefer to take my time but I think that its stress and lack of understanding her body. She grew up in a typical purity culture so everything sex related was very much off. Even the thought about touching herself down there to create pleasure even together is something she cant imagine. So I am not surprised she doesnt know much about how her body works. It would be great if she would take time to invest time in this but she isnt much for reading marriage or sex blogs. She only rolls her eyes when I tell her that I read blogs about these things. And as I said before , sex happens on her terms all the time so for her nothing is really lacking. At least not what she is aware of. And I dont really know how to show that some things arent working for me. I mean we have talked about some things but I dont want to be annoying so its difficult to talk about these things.
Wow, I could have written most of the above.
My wife also wants minimal foreplay, even when we have lots of time. She also does not like variety. She likes sex exactly the same way every time with a short sequence of foreplay before moving to PIV sex. (She orgasms through clitoral attention before or after). She also doesn’t like post-sex cuddling. Our sexual encounters last maybe 15 mins from clothes off to clothes going back on. She says she is very satisfied this way.
In short, she’s the opposite of what 90% of advice about “what women want” says.
She knows I would like more, but she genuinely struggles to try anything off our well-worn script. I also can’t get her to read Christian sexual blogs and advice.
And of course it is indeed because of her upbringing. We grew up in what we thought were similar evangelical churches and family backgrounds, but despite lots of pre-marital counselling and talk, we only discovered slowly throughout our marriage how different they taught sexuality. I was taught a balance of positive and negative things about sexuality; she only heard about the negatives (or often, just nothing at all). So she is never relaxed about sex. Her instinct is always to CONTROL it.
This just kills me, because I feel powerless to change anything here (and as I said, 90% of advice doesn’t apply). Like loveforplay’s wife, it’s all about her and her own self-discovery, and on her schedule. I try hard to suggest and encourage without pushing, but it never seems to make a difference.
It pains me how many wives believe that sex isn’t good or for them, when God fully intended it to be a blessing for both spouses. It sounds like she really scared to even explore pleasure through sex. At some point, it could be helpful to consider counseling, though that may also be a difficult suggestion for her to accept. But clearly, it’s affecting your whole marriage, and surely she at least feels that tension. Praying for you.
Wow! I’m in the same boat! I could have written what you said and what he said.
Unfortunately, I’m not as careful as you guys have been. I have sent her things to read and tried to talk about sex too much and God is now telling me to be patient and serve her unselfishly. It’s hard, but I’m working that direction. I have prayed for you both and would love to receive the same from you.
Blessings!
This sounds so much like my marriage and sex life. There is zero desire on her part. We are intimate for me. And if I bring it up, she acts like I’m attacking her, and she is doing what she can. So I can’t bring up any concerns or wants I may have. She has said she doesn’t think she has ever had an orgasm and doesn’t really want to try. I would love to try to orally pleasure her with no expectation of reciprocation. But she acts like I’m asking too much and she doesn’t like it. I’m reigned to do what she will let me, which isn’t much. I feel like I’m a terrible lover/husband.
It sounds like she has some negative sexual history that is preventing her from even wanting to explore this topic. That could be abuse, harassment, bad teaching, or something else, but have you asked her why she feels this way? Even the simple question of what she thinks the purpose of sex is might help uncover buried issues.
Wow! Such sad commentaries on the sexual component of their marriages. I see a some of each of these blog posts in my own situation. Comments on the balance of their relationships are not discussed but I fear other aspects of marriage are problematic as well. I’m 63 years old and married to the same woman for 40 years with intimacy (and sex) a problem for 30 of those years, with little hope of recovering since my wife has, seemingly, no interest in changing the status quo. Sexual intercourse, (not intimacy) happens randomly 3 – 15 times a year and they are always for “Me”, last 15 minuets, and start with “put him in so we can get this over with,” She is, however, orgasmic most of the time (85%). Why ??? Sex seldom happens on vacations, never on important occasions like our anniversary, birthdays, holidays, or good events. She has even suggested I go find a whore. All occasions are either “mercy sex” or “if i push this any longer he will leave me.” At my age ED has started to show up, my wife’s response was, “good maybe we can move on”. When I mentioned that I was going to talk to my doctor about it she said she would refuse to have sex with me if I needed to take a pill. Well as you can tell the other aspects of our marriage have also deteriorated. In fact the marriage is a victim of the “Four Horseman of the Apocalypse”. I have always been tolerant, willing to forgive and forget, wife…. not so much, who is also OCD on top of all this. I’ve been faithful, a good provider, good dad, a good cook, outdoors man (hunting, skiing…), handy man, and active in church, I don’t criticize, not controlling, and have supported everything she has wanted to do. Sounds like I’m perfect which, of coarse, I’m not. I’m “messy” but we still park 2 SUV in our 2 car garage, and disengaged.
Yet despite endless attempts to “make things better,” here we are nearing the twilight of our years with no intimacy in our lives. My advice for the younger men is pray. Then not to be passive, as I was, about dealing with this issue. It didn’t happen overnight or suddenly, but gradually over time. Meet it head on at first sign of problems. First change any behavior within you that is generally accepted to be offensive, next work on your relationship as a top priority, be direct (lovingly) and do not accept less of your mate. Or you will end up like me, lonely, with little hope of it getting better. This may have been therapeutic for the moment but does nothing to improve my situation with my wife. Good Luck for those who read this.
🙁 We will pray for you and your wife to experience intimacy in your marriage, even thought that may not seem likely.
Steve , I could have written that; I’m 64, same exact situation. I feel for you, hoping we can work on some things through this blog to make some progress. I’m not interested in divorce, but being a ‘roommate” only can be a tough grind. My wife is very wonderful in so many other areas; I’m praying for some breakthroughs in the months ahead. My wife is very much a control freak, which is a major reason for her difficulty in allowing herself to be vulnerable, which I expect she equates with weakness. She is a tough gal, very wise, always giving very good advise to friends. Except regarding sex. She is very giving to our kids, others, her clients(she is in real estate). But I often feel rejected, despite all I do, like you.
Sorry that I am only now following up to my earlier post above.
Yes, my wife’s lack of interest in foreplay is definitely part of a larger issue. She grew up with what we now realize was an emotionally abusive father, and the whole family learned to shut down and avoid difficult subjects. So she has a lot of trouble managing her emotions as an adult, except by tightly controlling them, and that includes her sexual feelings. And while there is no evidence or memory of physical/sexual abuse, she definitely learned to resent and not trust male authority, and that has had a huge effect on us and our marriage, inside and outside the bedroom. I see the same pattern in her siblings. We have indeed gone for counselling, and even there she struggles to open up about sex and other emotions, no matter how it is approached.
In partial defence of my father-in-law, he almost certainly learned this behaviour from his own father, and in old age he recognized what he did and sought forgiveness. But the damage was done.
Steve and Bruce, I am very sorry to hear about your situations. All I can do is agree with Steve to at least try and address issues as early as possible. There’s no guarantee, but do what you can. I feel blessed that I have, on balance, been able to be patient with my wife and work together with her as much as possible on these issues – including a partial healing of her relationship with her father. But it’s certainly not a straightforward path.